FOURTEEN?!?!

I was so unnecessarily concerned about how 13 would go. Thirteen was an amazing year. You are still the sweet and cool person we have been so fortunate to love for over a decade. You are incredibly funny and very thoughtful. I love to watch you think and hear your thoughts on the world (you have so many!). 

While seventh and eighth grade were not your favorite years, you are finishing the middle/junior high years strong. We thought you would have an extra year of junior high but instead you now get to attend the brand new (not yet finished!) high school next year. You were able to balance advanced algebra, ELA, and history while also working really hard in band. You had to compete against ninth graders and were very fortunate to earn a spot in honor band. Band also allowed you to experience your first sleep-away camp in another state. You enjoyed the chance to gain some independence. This summer you will begin marching band and next year you are continuing in advanced classes (adding science to the mix) and are hoping to take art and French. It will be a whole new experience with block scheduled classes. You really missed art this year and it has become very clear that STEM/engineering is not a path you have any interest in pursuing, despite doing well in those classes. 

Your summer included some really cool experiences, such as the Sandra Day O'Connor Civics camp at Arizona State. Traveling to Phoenix in June was not for the faint of heart but it was a great camp and it was fun to see another campus and get to check out ASU's law school. You remain interested in civics and social justice topics but you have not really wanted to pursue any leadership opportunities or community engagement. We also made it to Michigan this summer and enjoyed visiting family, seeing Lake Michigan, and escaping the summer heat. You also made the trek back to Kentucky when Mommy Alene passed away. We booked it there and back, driving 26 hours in four days, in order to return in time for the fall semester to begin. 

You have really nice friends across several different groups and it has been good to see you branch out to new acquaintances while maintaining a core of several lifelong friends. You are learning to be supportive and a "girl's girl." This year provided you some tough learning experiences about how your actions impact others. I think this will help make you a better friend and kinder human, though I know it was a challenge. In general, mistakes and failures are still really hard for you, sometimes saying things like "it has to look perfect or else it's bad". We haven't faced romantic relationships, which is a bit of a relief for your parents. I suspect that's on the horizon for next year and I am hopeful that you know your worth and the worth of others.

In terms of health, your asthma remains well controlled. You are very nearly 5 feet tall, which is a milestone you have gone ahead and claimed as your own. You started taking an afternoon dose of medication to help with your attention and we are glad this hasn't impacted your appetite or mood. Your emotion regulation skills have also continued improving drastically. Although you are still stubborn (you come by this very honestly!), you have grown in patience and handling disappointment.

Despite not having an official art class this year, you took a number of opportunities to be creative. After taking a few crochet classes, you really dove into this hobby for a time, even serving as a vendor in the Oktoberfest youth art festival. More recently your crochet time has been replaced by bedazzling every item in your skincare cabinet. You still love to read and have continued picking up new musical and television interests. You created a lovely space in your room that you are really proud of and now are working on making the loft space something with less playroom vibes so you will spend more time there.

You are simply the best. You like to shop except when you would rather be home. You love a cloudy rainy day and mostly avoid the sun and heat, unless it's an opportunity to swim. You are still a champion cuddler and give the best hugs. I hope that 14 is full of joy, hope, love, and hugs. 

 

Entering the teen years

Oh sweet girl. It seems just impossible that you are now 13. You remain the coolest little human. I truly enjoy hanging out with you and love to hear how you think. Twelve was another really, really good year. You finished sixth grade strong and are wrapping up your last year of middle school. 

Academically, you’ve continued to enjoy your classes. Your teachers report you’re a “joy” to have in class. We are proud that they notice that you’re a strong advocate for yourself and that you’re always willing to ask questions or talk with them about things you need clarified. While you received academic achievement certificates and awards last spring, we are most proud of your strong empathy, your witty sense of humor, and that you are never afraid to ask questions. You have grown tremendously in your ability in your ability to tolerate uncertainty and frustration. 

I worry some about what the transition to junior high will be like as you almost never have homework and still do not study but have somehow managed to keep an average grade above 99%. Next year you’re adding advanced history to your load alongside advanced ELA and algebra. You just weren’t interested in taking advanced science. While I had to bite my tongue at this choice (& your science teacher also expressed displeasure at this!), I realize the history component might be more interesting for you as well as more relevant if you remain interested in law and politics. Along these lines, you’ve been reading a lot on WW2 and have been sharing all your learning with us in the evenings alongside the notebook full of facts and maps. You also applied for a Civics Camp this summer. While we suspect you won’t be selected for the camp, it was good to see you so motivated to achieve something and it has got you thinking about experiences you would like to have that also would strengthen a future application. This year also saw a lot of growth in your interest in and skills as a clarinet player. You were thrilled to have made it into honor band and that experience seemed really transformative. You continued to love art this year and also really enjoyed your video game design class. 

You are continuing to work on your willingness to make mistakes and attempt things you might not get on the first try. However, you decided that you truly were done with softball and volleyball so this has been a much less hectic year in terms of evening schedules. You’ve been taking clarinet lessons and also requested a few crochet classes. Crocheting has been another great opportunity to watch you grow while you also work through perfectionistic tendencies and self efficacy issues. 

Although still an occasional struggle, we are quite happy to have maintained a balance with your attention and appetite. Your asthma has also been well controlled, which we have been very grateful for this year. You’ve grown a couple of inches, finally reaching tall enough to sit in the passenger seat on trips around town, which was a very exciting milestone for you. You’ve grown a lot in your interests this year, discovering a ton of music, new tv shows, and working on a number of creative outlets. You’ve rearranged your bedroom a few times and even change the whole aesthetic this spring, with some serious painting help from a friend. You have a lot of opinions and this is something I (generally) love. 

Social relationships have sometimes been a challenge this year. You have learned a lot about having different levels of friendship as well as navigating close friends who have closer friends than you. This is something you’ll likely continue to grow in over the next few years. You also are working on reaching out to develop acquaintances into friendships. As someone who tends to be pretty sensitive to rejection, you’ve shown a lot of progress in this area. At 13, with a lot of trepidation on my part, we finally decided you were old enough and responsible enough for a cell phone. I haven't seen you this excited about a gift since the Frozen jeep you got for Christmas almost a decade ago. 

Finally, we love how much you enjoy time with your family and with the dogs (including even an unsuccessful dog training class with Mochi last spring). You’re getting easier to get out of the house, with lots of potential motivators (namely makeup, matcha or chai lattes, or yummy snacks), but you also are a girl who loves her downtime at home. We love that you still cuddle and give the best hugs. I hope that continues throughout the teen and adult years because it really is my favorite thing. I have a lot of trepidation as we enter this next stage of development but I also am loving most every day these days.

Double digits

Dear sweet sweet girl,

Will I ever get through a birthday without shedding a tear? It’s seeming unlikely. I have been dreading 10 for so long. The idea of these double digits would  just knock the wind right out of me. However, today was somehow less upsetting than 5 so that’s progress. 

You remain such a cool little person. You have your own sense of style and fashion, your own creative pursuits, and your own way of thinking about things. You also continue to be incredibly kind and thoughtful. You are truly always thinking of ways to make people feel special and loved. From writing encouraging notes to picking up special treats to hand making a different craft to gift to each of your teachers, I’m consistently blown away by you. As you get older and a little more snarkiness (& a whole lot of sass) sneaks in, I keep worrying you’re going to lose this part of you. Fortunately, I have had nothing to worry about yet.

After having to take 2 years off of extracurricular activities because of COVID, you were thrilled to jump back in to these. You joined a school volleyball club and the running club and are playing your first sport in 7 years—softball. Not being great at things has always been a challenge for you and sports are no different—you want to just be good at things naturally so having to work frustrates you. That said, I’ve been really impressed with your tenaciousness. More importantly, you are an amazing cheerleader for your teammates.

Being back at school for the last year has been amazing. You have a phenomenal teacher and are doing really well. You continue to struggle with any sort of standardized or computer test while doing all of your work with ease. Because your test scores indicated some difficulties with math last semester, we had you work with a tutor. The tutor was flummoxed because you were able to do all the things testing said you struggled with, often with little to no instruction. However, you loved the fun math games and “getting to help a college student with their project” so you didn’t mind tutoring too much. Your math grades are all strong so we never have figured out this disconnect. You continue to have a strong preference for graphic novels, though you will occasionally read Harry Potter as well. You really loved working on your social studies project over the last few months, learning all about the state of Michigan and your chosen representative, Lizzo.

 

You continue to enjoy art, recently picking up (but just as suddenly dropping)/teaching yourself to crochet. You also love cooking, baking, and cake decorating. You love trying new foods, recently deciding that you love cabbage and like onions. You’re excited about all the things we will be growing in the garden this year and you have a lot of interest in various plants. 

You have had a lot of emotional ups and downs and have grown a lot in your ability to recognize your own anxiety and ability to cope with worry. You do still struggle with bouts of loneliness and sadness but these are often relatively short lived and are impacted more by external cues (you really hate sunny weekend days!) and internal experiences like hunger and fatigue. You complain that boredom is physically painful and often leads to worry thought spirals, which is why you are constantly on the go and never stop doing.  While you are the first to acknowledge your anxiety (your emotional awareness is off the charts!), you also have these streaks of fearlessness that I love seeing. 

You continue to be a funny, witty kid, though some of your retorts have sharpened significantly over the last year. We are still working to rein that in. I feel so lucky that you remain a cuddly, hugging kid. I’m so fearful these days are numbered but for now, I soak in every cuddle, held hand, grabbed arm, and squishy hug you have to offer. We still have lots of time together and though that can get tiring for both of us, it’s also a lot of fun. 

This past 6 months also provided you with an opportunity to get your COVID vaccine, which you handled incredibly well. We feel so fortunate to have remained healthy this past few years. We are glad to be in a new normal that includes more social time and small gatherings. We are hoping to add travel to this soon. Your asthma remains mostly stable though you have had more frequent flare ups in the last month or so. Local brush fires, dust blowing in big wind gusts, and seasonal allergies are likely to blame but we also are carefully monitoring the impact of physical activity on your symptoms as well as you noted one breathing concern during a softball practice and a few during school activities. Overall, though, we are incredibly grateful you’re doing so well. We love you so much. 

I’m trying hard not to look too far ahead for what is to come with year ten and beyond. I’m not ready for things like fifth grade graduation or middle school tours. But when the time arises, I’m confident that you’ll be ready with a big smile, dragging me along into the next phase. Much like you did hitting ten. 

And then, you were 9

As consistently happens as I sit down to write these letters to you, I am overcome with such overwhelming emotion that time--which otherwise creeps so slowly--is moving too fast as you continue to grow. Nine.

NINE.

We have only one year left in the single digits.

That feels monumental.

It feels impossible. 

How? You truly were just four years old. It feels like literally only moments ago that we were dropping you off at daycare. And now you are this big third grader. You have your first round of state tests next week. It cannot be so. Yet, here it is.

This past year has been full of challenges and, although it has been incredibly tough for you, you are so resilient. Your dad and I are so amazed by and proud of you. We are fortunate that you can be a bit of a homebody and that you can entertain yourself. I cannot imagine spending the last year with anyone else. We are all, also, exhausted.  

Favorite characteristics are that you are funny and clever and so creative. You love to cast plays and write (you sometimes work on your "second novel"). You love comedies and have cultivated a love for cheesy romantic holiday movies, which really made me laugh this past December. You spent the last year watching several 1990s sitcoms like Family Matters, Full House, and Sister Sister, which was a lot of fun for me. You are unbelievably witty and just a touch judgy. We will continue to work on that. 

I absolutely love hearing the way you think about things. You are always pondering and have hundreds of questions. We have always tried to teach you about inclusion but over the last year, you have become extremely passionate about social justice and equity. Recently, you indicated that when you grow up, you wanted to help people so that things will be fair for them (you added you wanted to find a way to do that which wouldn't be dangerous and get you killed, which was a sobering and heartbreaking statement to hear from an 8 year old). Your energy is currently focused on learning American Sign Language and learning about Deaf culture. You now finger spell faster than I can keep up with you and you have far surpassed my very limited knowledge of signs. Throughout the year, you have been very interested in learning about civil rights, Black Lives Matter, Indigenous land, appropriation, and kid activism. You are clearly a sponge and are far more fearless and less self-conscious about your beliefs and actions than I have ever been.    

School was super tough for this house over the past year. In order to keep all three of us safe, reduce the census for teachers and kids who needed to be in school, and to maintain some sense of consistency in our schedule, we made the difficult choice to enroll you in virtual school through our district. As incredible as the teachers were, this was just not the same. While there was a lot of good in our time spent together, as a year of school, it was pretty terrible. Your love of learning took a massive hit. We try not to put much stock in testing but we saw most of your scores stagnate or plummet over the last year. Your self-confidence in math plummeted and your attention span drastically decreased. While you continued to love to read and do science experiments, school through the Edgenuity platform was a fight at least two or three times per week, often resulting in slammed doors and heated arguments. You regularly said that you were learning nothing. I think you might have been right about that. As a parent, this was so heartbreaking to watch and experience, especially for a such a bright sunshine kid who loved nothing more than school and her teachers. It was pretty shattering. After your dad and I (alongside many of your teachers and school staff) were vaccinated, we fortunately were able to enroll you back in person for the remaining 7 weeks of the semester. This has brought new challenges through readjusting to a schedule, acclimating to the stimulation of school, and you feeling anxiously behind in learning. Your old complaints about not having friends and not understanding how to join groups at recess have also resurfaced. However, we are hopeful that you are happier. We are thrilled with your new teacher and how much she seeks to connect with her students. We hope that this 7 weeks can reignite your passion for learning.

Spending the last year with you was really something. When you look back on this year of your life, I am really curious what you will remember. This year was certainly full of lost patience, tears, interruptions, and loneliness. I would love to say that I spent the last year savoring every moment of your life but there was just too much stress and work for that to be the case. But the last year was absolutely also full of thousands of hugs, fun projects, silly jokes, cuddles on the couch, and meaningful conversations. Being mindful of these moments is tough. I wish I could report that I have gotten better at this but it remains a work in progress. 

The best part of 8, without a doubt, is all of the many, many hugs you gave throughout the day, everyday. You still give the best hugs. You love nestling up together to read a book or watch a movie. I have felt like I grew an appendage because you were so often attached to me on the daily. That was pretty great. I am so grateful you are still cuddly and affectionate.

We are so thankful for you and the sparkle you bring to our lives and the lives around you. Your eyes truly sparkle with wonder. I hope you never lose that. We love you so much. Happy 9th birthday, my love, no matter how impossible it might seem.

Second pandemic party (happy 9th birthday, observed)

A year ago, I did not expect to host a second virtual birthday party for A. But here we are--making the best of it!

Over the past year, A has spent a lot of time playing Animal Crossing, which was a fabulous theme for a birthday. 

We made Animal Crossing "presents" to deliver these adorable cupcakes to a few local friends.

We wrapped up an Animal Crossing themed Bingo card with leaf confetti for a cute activity.

 

We also hosted a scavenger hunt and the kids worked together on an adorable, online jigsaw puzzle.

And of course, it wouldn't be her birthday without a fun themed chalkboard and t-shirt!

Once again, this wasn't the kind of celebration we would have chosen, but we are grateful to have celebrated another year of this amazing and resilient sweet girl.

Joy in the time of Corona (aka: how to plan a party during a pandemic)

 

If you are reading this particular blog entry, there's a good chance you already know us and our extreme love for planning birthday parties. It's basically my favorite thing. In early March, though, I quickly realized that this year was going to be different. At the time, there was no discussion of physical/social distancing, shelter in place, or quarantine. However, given A's asthma and all of the rumblings I had heard from epidemiologists, I knew that a party likely wasn't in the books for us this year. As A's birthday drew closer, and the virus spread, this reality became certain. By March 18, this was really heavy on my heart and embarrassingly, the first time I cried in recent memory, was thinking about what I could do to make A's day special. To be clear, themed birthday parties are not the pinnacle of parenting. I had no concerns that A would feel neglected and I know plenty of families who don't do big parties. But still I was sad--this was our thing. Since A was 2 years old, she has had a hand in pulling off fun parties--generating ideas, helping with decorations, and planning the food. (Of course emotions are complex so this was also a time filled with guilt that I would cry over such a small, silly thing when people are literally dying from COVID19 but alas, secondary emotions are not particularly useful so I had to let those go).

So, once I had my night to grieve, I turned immediately to what I always do when I start to plan A's party--Pinterest. I have to say--for the very first time since I joined--Pinterest let me down. Hard. At that time, there were zero pins about virtual parties. Nothing on google either. It was shockingly disappointing. Of course now there are news and popular press articles, blog entries, and pins galore as the "need" for virtual parties has exponentially grown in the last month but it was a wasteland back in early March. We considered birthday parades, zoom, Netflix party, and the houseparty app.

The things I knew we wanted were: 

a themed birthday shirt, 

decorations, 

some way of connecting with a few friends (we opted to do Zoom), 

our traditional birthday chalkboard, 

a cake, 

 

and some sort of activity.

The biggest concern that A had going into a virtual party is that she didn't know what they should do or talk about. This fear was unfounded because as soon as folks were logged on, all the kids were talking and laughing, showing off their zoom skills, and saying hi in the chat feature. We opted for Zoom because it was what we've been using most over the last few weeks. In order to protect us from "zoombombing," I made sure to make sure the link was not posted publicly, I had a waiting room, and I locked the room once everyone who could attend was in the room. We enabled chatting which was fine as well as screensharing the whiteboard. Screensharing the whiteboard ended up being a little problematic as kids were arguing for turns writing/drawing on screen (and not everyone got a turn before we ultimately shut it down). After the party A said she felt like that part got a little out of control so we might recommend disabling that feature (we have seen it go very, very wrong in other classes she has taken over the last few weeks!)--however, the rest of the party was fun.

In addition to chatting with friends, we planned one activity. I had been thinking of various ways we could drop off a "favor bag" or sweet to friends' houses before the party when a local bakery posted they were going to be offering "Decorate your own Doughnuts" by the dozen and half-dozen. Each kit came with doughnuts, 1-2 frostings, and 2-4 toppings. I immediately contacted them to see if they could do a smaller version of these for the attendees and they were great working with me! We picked up the doughnut kits Saturday morning through drive thru and later dropped them off at the doorstop of our friends' homes--we were super lucky that most folks live in our neighborhood! Each kid's kit got doughnuts, a frosting (chocolate or vanilla), a small cup of sprinkles, and a small cup of mini m&ms. I asked parents to send me photos of their creations. That was a LOT of fun.

Once that activity winded down, I shared the video of Cheyenne Jackson (who plays Hades in Descendants 3) wishing A a happy birthday. For the kids who had seen the movie, that was a cool thing to do. Now (sadly), we are not actually close personal friends with Mr. Jackson. I utilized the website Cameo to book him for a paid video. I had spent a few weeks trying to get Descendants 3 stars Sofia Carson, China Anne McLain, or Sarah Jeffrey to join Cameo (or even Dove Cameron, despite A really not like Mal...) to no avail. I had started feeling a little desperate when I discovered that other Descendants characters had joined. If your kids are fans of Ben, Celia, Jane, or the Fairy Godmother, you're in luck as they each have accounts! It is noteworthy that this is an expensive little video. I justified it to myself by saying it was less than I typically pay ordering pizza for a birthday party but it was still hard to hit "submit" for that payment! However, A loved it so much!

Finally, we lit the candle and had the kids sing Happy Birthday. Some friends dropped off presents on the porch or made posterboard signs to put in our yard, making the day extra special.

Overall, I think the party went about as well as it possibly could have and there isn't really anything I would change about it if we were forced to use this platform again for an event. It definitely was not the same as a "real" party but A was pleased enough. I also shared with her the video I compiled of her friends, school teachers and staff, and family members sending her birthday greetings as our final surprise. 

Letter to my 8 year old

Oh my darling, sweet sweet love.

You are now eight and I just want to know how that happened. I am so happy that you still have a sweet little voice, an irresistible laugh, a twinkle in your eyes, and an intense desire to cuddle. These things make up your sweet spirit and bring us such joy. As you grow older, we are rewarded with seeing your insatiable thirst for answers, your push for difficult conversations, advice (oh, how you have an opinion about everything!), and a general sense of fun. You are hilarious and love to pull pranks, tell jokes, and make everyone laugh. I love how much positive affect is squirreled away in your still tiny little body.

Over the last year, you have grown so much more independent! At home, you only want to play on your own; you want to cook entire meals by yourself; and you hate when we try to help you.
Unless you don't want to do something. Then, you remain very needy. You hate nothing more than being bored without company.

You love to read and just fly through books faster than we can get them for you. You adore school and think you have the best teacher in the entire world (we don't disagree!). Being forced to stay home broke your heart especially because you said it was unfair you had only half of a year with Mrs. Hladik. You quickly rallied and embraced our cobbled together "distance learning" plans and have mostly settled into a resilient resignation of the current situation. We are fortunate that you can handle being a homebody. You are also loving math and science, which makes my heart so happy. At school, you seem to work hard often, though it seems you like finishing things more than actually learning them. You are quite impatient and are still working on your perseverance as currently, you have a tendency to want to give up easily when something is more challenging. You sometimes lean toward perfectionism and it isn't uncommon to find you crumpling a piece of some artwork that I really liked, throwing a pencil on the floor in frustration, or crying because you can't get things exactly the way you want them. I can tell you are internalizing the messages you hear at school though and are working hard to combat that as I regularly hear you saying "there are no mistakes in art!" and "things don't have to be perfect." --Granted, this is usually in response to something I say or when you're watching an episode of Nailed It or some other creative competition but I hope this will eventually generalize. I love your creativity and how, when you give yourself the opportunity, you really look at things from a new and unique way.

When you were a baby (& before you were even born), my biggest hope for you was that you would be a kind and caring person. I truly believe that this is a strength for you. You truly care about everyone and are full of empathy. Although you also can be pretty judgy, you also are quick to point out situational factors others might be facing and remind others to do the same. We think that perhaps years of people rewarding your sass has created a bit of a monster as you quickly turn your wit on us regularly (poor daddy takes the brunt of this!), though you don't seem to intend to be hurtful. I think you just like practicing sarcasm, eyerolling, and poking fun. It's hard not to laugh.

You continue to have such a sensitive heart, both in terms of content you are willing to handle in books and on movies as well as interpersonally. Regularly, you would complain about feeling left out and often cried about being sad at school. My heart has never been so shattered as the day you told me you think you "might be the loneliest kid at school." It has taken a lot of talking with you, emailing with teachers, and thinking about what is going on here as this is a consistent pattern first noticed in pre-k at age 4. We had been working on learning ways to join friends and learning that sometimes when we want to play with others, we need to compromise on what the activity is. This ability to compromise remains rough for you. But in all our conversation with teachers and staff, it becomes clear that you are loved. Friends want to play with you and seek you out. You encourage others and people like that about you.

Another year has passed and the one thing that has remained constant--You are so very loved.