And then, you were 9

As consistently happens as I sit down to write these letters to you, I am overcome with such overwhelming emotion that time--which otherwise creeps so slowly--is moving too fast as you continue to grow. Nine.

NINE.

We have only one year left in the single digits.

That feels monumental.

It feels impossible. 

How? You truly were just four years old. It feels like literally only moments ago that we were dropping you off at daycare. And now you are this big third grader. You have your first round of state tests next week. It cannot be so. Yet, here it is.

This past year has been full of challenges and, although it has been incredibly tough for you, you are so resilient. Your dad and I are so amazed by and proud of you. We are fortunate that you can be a bit of a homebody and that you can entertain yourself. I cannot imagine spending the last year with anyone else. We are all, also, exhausted.  

Favorite characteristics are that you are funny and clever and so creative. You love to cast plays and write (you sometimes work on your "second novel"). You love comedies and have cultivated a love for cheesy romantic holiday movies, which really made me laugh this past December. You spent the last year watching several 1990s sitcoms like Family Matters, Full House, and Sister Sister, which was a lot of fun for me. You are unbelievably witty and just a touch judgy. We will continue to work on that. 

I absolutely love hearing the way you think about things. You are always pondering and have hundreds of questions. We have always tried to teach you about inclusion but over the last year, you have become extremely passionate about social justice and equity. Recently, you indicated that when you grow up, you wanted to help people so that things will be fair for them (you added you wanted to find a way to do that which wouldn't be dangerous and get you killed, which was a sobering and heartbreaking statement to hear from an 8 year old). Your energy is currently focused on learning American Sign Language and learning about Deaf culture. You now finger spell faster than I can keep up with you and you have far surpassed my very limited knowledge of signs. Throughout the year, you have been very interested in learning about civil rights, Black Lives Matter, Indigenous land, appropriation, and kid activism. You are clearly a sponge and are far more fearless and less self-conscious about your beliefs and actions than I have ever been.    

School was super tough for this house over the past year. In order to keep all three of us safe, reduce the census for teachers and kids who needed to be in school, and to maintain some sense of consistency in our schedule, we made the difficult choice to enroll you in virtual school through our district. As incredible as the teachers were, this was just not the same. While there was a lot of good in our time spent together, as a year of school, it was pretty terrible. Your love of learning took a massive hit. We try not to put much stock in testing but we saw most of your scores stagnate or plummet over the last year. Your self-confidence in math plummeted and your attention span drastically decreased. While you continued to love to read and do science experiments, school through the Edgenuity platform was a fight at least two or three times per week, often resulting in slammed doors and heated arguments. You regularly said that you were learning nothing. I think you might have been right about that. As a parent, this was so heartbreaking to watch and experience, especially for a such a bright sunshine kid who loved nothing more than school and her teachers. It was pretty shattering. After your dad and I (alongside many of your teachers and school staff) were vaccinated, we fortunately were able to enroll you back in person for the remaining 7 weeks of the semester. This has brought new challenges through readjusting to a schedule, acclimating to the stimulation of school, and you feeling anxiously behind in learning. Your old complaints about not having friends and not understanding how to join groups at recess have also resurfaced. However, we are hopeful that you are happier. We are thrilled with your new teacher and how much she seeks to connect with her students. We hope that this 7 weeks can reignite your passion for learning.

Spending the last year with you was really something. When you look back on this year of your life, I am really curious what you will remember. This year was certainly full of lost patience, tears, interruptions, and loneliness. I would love to say that I spent the last year savoring every moment of your life but there was just too much stress and work for that to be the case. But the last year was absolutely also full of thousands of hugs, fun projects, silly jokes, cuddles on the couch, and meaningful conversations. Being mindful of these moments is tough. I wish I could report that I have gotten better at this but it remains a work in progress. 

The best part of 8, without a doubt, is all of the many, many hugs you gave throughout the day, everyday. You still give the best hugs. You love nestling up together to read a book or watch a movie. I have felt like I grew an appendage because you were so often attached to me on the daily. That was pretty great. I am so grateful you are still cuddly and affectionate.

We are so thankful for you and the sparkle you bring to our lives and the lives around you. Your eyes truly sparkle with wonder. I hope you never lose that. We love you so much. Happy 9th birthday, my love, no matter how impossible it might seem.

Joy in the time of Corona (aka: how to plan a party during a pandemic)

 

If you are reading this particular blog entry, there's a good chance you already know us and our extreme love for planning birthday parties. It's basically my favorite thing. In early March, though, I quickly realized that this year was going to be different. At the time, there was no discussion of physical/social distancing, shelter in place, or quarantine. However, given A's asthma and all of the rumblings I had heard from epidemiologists, I knew that a party likely wasn't in the books for us this year. As A's birthday drew closer, and the virus spread, this reality became certain. By March 18, this was really heavy on my heart and embarrassingly, the first time I cried in recent memory, was thinking about what I could do to make A's day special. To be clear, themed birthday parties are not the pinnacle of parenting. I had no concerns that A would feel neglected and I know plenty of families who don't do big parties. But still I was sad--this was our thing. Since A was 2 years old, she has had a hand in pulling off fun parties--generating ideas, helping with decorations, and planning the food. (Of course emotions are complex so this was also a time filled with guilt that I would cry over such a small, silly thing when people are literally dying from COVID19 but alas, secondary emotions are not particularly useful so I had to let those go).

So, once I had my night to grieve, I turned immediately to what I always do when I start to plan A's party--Pinterest. I have to say--for the very first time since I joined--Pinterest let me down. Hard. At that time, there were zero pins about virtual parties. Nothing on google either. It was shockingly disappointing. Of course now there are news and popular press articles, blog entries, and pins galore as the "need" for virtual parties has exponentially grown in the last month but it was a wasteland back in early March. We considered birthday parades, zoom, Netflix party, and the houseparty app.

The things I knew we wanted were: 

a themed birthday shirt, 

decorations, 

some way of connecting with a few friends (we opted to do Zoom), 

our traditional birthday chalkboard, 

a cake, 

 

and some sort of activity.

The biggest concern that A had going into a virtual party is that she didn't know what they should do or talk about. This fear was unfounded because as soon as folks were logged on, all the kids were talking and laughing, showing off their zoom skills, and saying hi in the chat feature. We opted for Zoom because it was what we've been using most over the last few weeks. In order to protect us from "zoombombing," I made sure to make sure the link was not posted publicly, I had a waiting room, and I locked the room once everyone who could attend was in the room. We enabled chatting which was fine as well as screensharing the whiteboard. Screensharing the whiteboard ended up being a little problematic as kids were arguing for turns writing/drawing on screen (and not everyone got a turn before we ultimately shut it down). After the party A said she felt like that part got a little out of control so we might recommend disabling that feature (we have seen it go very, very wrong in other classes she has taken over the last few weeks!)--however, the rest of the party was fun.

In addition to chatting with friends, we planned one activity. I had been thinking of various ways we could drop off a "favor bag" or sweet to friends' houses before the party when a local bakery posted they were going to be offering "Decorate your own Doughnuts" by the dozen and half-dozen. Each kit came with doughnuts, 1-2 frostings, and 2-4 toppings. I immediately contacted them to see if they could do a smaller version of these for the attendees and they were great working with me! We picked up the doughnut kits Saturday morning through drive thru and later dropped them off at the doorstop of our friends' homes--we were super lucky that most folks live in our neighborhood! Each kid's kit got doughnuts, a frosting (chocolate or vanilla), a small cup of sprinkles, and a small cup of mini m&ms. I asked parents to send me photos of their creations. That was a LOT of fun.

Once that activity winded down, I shared the video of Cheyenne Jackson (who plays Hades in Descendants 3) wishing A a happy birthday. For the kids who had seen the movie, that was a cool thing to do. Now (sadly), we are not actually close personal friends with Mr. Jackson. I utilized the website Cameo to book him for a paid video. I had spent a few weeks trying to get Descendants 3 stars Sofia Carson, China Anne McLain, or Sarah Jeffrey to join Cameo (or even Dove Cameron, despite A really not like Mal...) to no avail. I had started feeling a little desperate when I discovered that other Descendants characters had joined. If your kids are fans of Ben, Celia, Jane, or the Fairy Godmother, you're in luck as they each have accounts! It is noteworthy that this is an expensive little video. I justified it to myself by saying it was less than I typically pay ordering pizza for a birthday party but it was still hard to hit "submit" for that payment! However, A loved it so much!

Finally, we lit the candle and had the kids sing Happy Birthday. Some friends dropped off presents on the porch or made posterboard signs to put in our yard, making the day extra special.

Overall, I think the party went about as well as it possibly could have and there isn't really anything I would change about it if we were forced to use this platform again for an event. It definitely was not the same as a "real" party but A was pleased enough. I also shared with her the video I compiled of her friends, school teachers and staff, and family members sending her birthday greetings as our final surprise. 

The Monster Within

*It is important to start with the information that A is doing perfectly awesome and I am physically fine.

I've thought for days about whether or not I can share the events of this week. I started an entry yesterday and it got deleted so I wondered if that was a sign. But it has stayed heavy in my heart so I am trying again. I may decide to delete it. Maybe it just needs to be written. Maybe it needs to be shared. We will see.

On Monday, I was carrying A and I fell in our entryway. It was the most terrifying moment of my life as there was blood on the tile, on her clothing, and on my hand. An immediate and enormous bump formed. Sweet A was able to walk and talk immediately after and she was fairly calm. I, however, was panicked, shaking and pacing and praying and trying to decide if I should call an ambulance. I ended up calling Ricki, who dropped everything and came over to ride with me to the emergency room, keep me calm, and keep ice on A's head (Chad was driving home from work). The wait was excruciating and my guilt was immeasurable. The doctors and nurses were glad we brought her in but ultimately said she would be fine, just to keep our eye on her. Same story at the follow up visit the next day. They looked in her ears and nose, her eyes, and fully examined her motor coordination. She was a little ham and passed with flying colors, saying she could resume normal activities the next day. I kept her home from school to hang out with me on Tuesday and we had a fun day. Basically I said yes to her every whim.

But the point of this post was to be honest about my internal struggle.

This has been, without question, the hardest week of my life.

This wasn't just that our daughter was injured, which is always scary for parents.
For a split second, I thought I killed her. For the moments and hours and days after, I worried that she might not truly be okay or that I might have caused permanent damage. The reason for this post is that I was starting to feel guilt and anxiety take over. I started having irrational thoughts and images and the paralyzing fear that if I said them out loud, it would come true. The last time I wrote about anxiety on this blog, one of my main take aways was that not talking about it made it worse. I totally understand this from a psychological perspective; it didn't help last time. I need to say these things out loud to stay in front of the anxiety and not let superstitious thinking and fear take over.

Over the last week, I was so afraid for A to get hurt, jostled, fall asleep, appear tired (because I wasn't making her go to sleep...), get wet, get angry, run, etc. because I was just absolutely terrified that something, anything could set off an undiscovered blood clot and she would die and it would have been all my fault.
It hurts to see that written. But it would fester if I continue to leave it inside.

So I said it. I told my mom. I told my sister and I told some friends. I told Chad. And I sobbed each time. I knew that I did not intentionally hurt her. I knew that she was okay now. But I was just so afraid. I still see the image of her head hitting the floor throughout my day. I still feel the panic in that moment and the moments that followed. I can feel the irritation I had in the moment before because she didn't want to go potty alone. The guilt that something so small made me impatient. And I don't understand how it happened. I don't know why I tripped or my legs buckled or I slipped. I don't understand how I could have let her go. Or why I couldn't catch her or my hands didn't protect her head. Or why she is okay. Or why she isn't afraid of me. And I can't imagine our life without her. And I couldn't stop imagining my life without her. And that was terrifying.

And I felt myself going down this road and it was all consuming. It was distracting and debilitating. It forced me to read about pediatric aneurysms and head injuries in children and times parents have accidentally harmed their children and revisit the diagnostic criteria for acute and post traumatic stress disorder and think about exposure versus thought logs versus mindfulness. I was fortunate to have people checking in on me, family praying, and Ricki pushing me to sit down and challenge these distortions through my tears. Talking about it forces me to remember that goose eggs on the back of the skull aren't uncommon in childhood. That there are more blood vessels on the face and scalp than other places on the body and things can look much worse than they are. And that bumps going out are generally better than bumps going in. And that the same thing could have happened if I had been patient and not rushing (still working on this one). And that, in general, I am patient and slow and peaceful with A. And that if I had held on tighter, I might have squished her under me. And that I would never hurt my baby. And that A is okay. And that in her life, she will have more bumps. These are things I know. These are things that anxiety tries to steal. But this time, I'm not letting it.

As I started off with, A is doing great. She might be enjoying using her bump as an excuse to get out of things she doesn't want to do and to get extra sympathy...I went in multiple stores on Tuesday and Wednesday to hunt for the perfect pink sucker for her. For a kid who perhaps already received a few too many hugs and kisses every day, those have only multiplied by a few thousand. Physically, I am fine. I have a deep bruise on my knee and that's all. Emotionally, I am getting there. This is helping.

2016 Performance Review

Last year I followed Laura Vanderkam's suggestion to write your year's performance review before the year began. That really resonated me so I thought I would follow it again. How do I want to spend my 8700+ hours this year? What do I want to show for my time? It really is a lot of time. Despite some disappointment reviewing last year's success, it was helpful for me to see it and plan how I want things to be different. In returning to my core values, I was aiming to pick a few goals and see where I would like to be at the end of the year.

But I've been working on this for a few days and just felt like I was writing the same goal driven resolutions I've been trying to avoid (make a new recipe each month, read 4 books a month, treadmill more, eat more veggies). All of those things are good but all of those are things that feel more like my usual checklist rather than things that make me do better. Be better. Amidst all of that, like so often happens, I see a post over on Momastery that stops me in my tracks. She commented

Man. Now I have two respected bloggers in my head, telling me how to plan my year.  And so it goes; we are back to the moments I've talked about so often on here (e.g., stereotype threat, yicky blobs). I keep trying to use the same system on my family life and my work life when the systems don't have to be the same. The work goals are easier to quantify. But when I write a blog that's work focused, somehow I feel judged that I didn't start with family relationships first or that I'm too focused on work to be a good mom. I know that I am a good mom. It's possible that I would even venture to say that I am a great mom--at least in this stage of life (except on the weekends between 2-6pm, then I just aim for "good enough" and "keep everyone safe"). I know that A is happy. It's okay that I also am doing well at my job. I have good manuscripts getting accepted (first one of the year hit 1/1/16), interesting ideas for grants to write, my mentored graduate students are doing well (my first got a tenure track JOB; this is crazy to me!), supervision continues to be fun, and I'm getting the hang of aspects of the DCT position. The idea that I can't talk about goals for my job without sacrificing my standing as a parent (or the flip side, that if I talk about parenting, I need to balance that so people view me as a serious academic), is primarily a war going on only in my own head. This is a ridiculous dichotomy and I know it and yet I keep falling for it over and over again. So this is my mishmoshed list of unquantifiable values for myself and my family along with my overly specified work aspirations.

Family 
I want us to be happy in our space, physically and emotionally. My perspective needs to be modified with a lot more gratitude and less willfulness. I'm excited to make a good faith effort at tidying up, Marie Kondo-style (who else has done/is doing KonMari? I love hearing your stories!) and also getting our backyard in order. And I know I'm happier when I'm exercising regularly and making that a priority. This is also the year that we will get a Will, open a 529 account for A, and increase contributions to both of our retirement.


Work
I plan to submit 1 grant and 6 new manuscripts by the end of the year
I plan to stop volunteering for stupid things I don't need to do (I taught four overload courses during 2015, completely all of my own choosing--I make poor decisions)
I will attend 5 national conferences, submitting at least 2 oral talks
I will protect writing time

Here's to 2016, folks. I hope it is happy and healthy and we each have the ability to see that which is already staggeringly beautiful in our lives.

2015 under review

I have a strange love for annual reports. This surprises no one given my love of data, behavioral tracking, and goal setting. It isn't just the numbers and trajectories but also the way I feel when I see the results (those unscientific feelings; let's quantify them!). I also like patterns and routines so it is only natural that I will repeat my 2013 and 2014 New Years Eve activity of summarizing our last year and weighing in on how we did with our goals. But first--Happy New Year! We were so happy to get to spend it with our new friend, Amanda.

This year brought a lot of joy and also some sadness. I guess that's the way all years will go, of course. We were so sad to lose Jasper and we continue to be sad/angry/confused by the OSU Homecoming parade tragedy and so many heart-breaking events in the world. But we had wonderful visits with family and friends. I got to travel to a number of interesting places and have fantastic food. Good friends welcomed new babies. We made some new friends and I got to see some old friends. These are the moments I hold close to my heart. But there are many other moments that made this year unique.

• We had our first visit to the Emergency Room. 
• A had her first haircut
• We tried to make each holiday special
• Sweet A turned 3, had a fun paint party and attended LOTS of birthday parties this year
• We transitioned A to a toddler bed and revamped her room and bathroom
• We had fun trips to the zoo, the Science Center, the Wondertorium, and A's first trip to the Aquarium
• A started gymnastics and tried out soccer
• I finally hung pictures on the walls in all of the rooms in our house
• I started stitch fix 
• I took the position as Director of Clinical Training
• I lost 16.5 pounds (we will temporarily disregard the 3 pounds I regained over the holidays)
• I made reading a priority and I killed my book goal

Overall, I think it was a good year. In many ways, this year has been the hardest in awhile on me and Chad. But A is thriving, work is going well, and we truly are incredibly blessed. I am working hard to continue to be grateful and use that gratitude to be kind to others.

In terms of behavioral outcomes, I took a quick look at my goals and have determined that I must pare these down for the upcoming year. And I should revisit them often.

Family, Parenting, & Intimate/Social Relations

• Be more present in relationships. Put down my phone from 6-7 and 8-9pm. 

This continues to be a struggle. Downloading the app Moment was helpful because I set a time limit per day and times that were supposed to be "screen free". However, sometimes I shut down the app or ignore the warnings. :( I don't like this. Not a good start.

• Call a friend at least once per week. 

Yikes. Not this one either.

• Go to dinner or a movie with Chad once per month.

Man, this is tremendously discouraging.

We did better this year. We hired a sitter a few times but haven't hit anywhere near monthly.

• Start getting A ready for bed by 8:45pm.

We are close here. Most nights.

• Do not do any work on Wednesday nights.

I did really, really well with this one for awhile. And then I taught three classes over the summer (mistake) and the end of the fall semester got out of control and I did not adhere to this as closely as I wanted. I should be able to pull this one (and the Fridays or Saturdays I added) back in for the spring.
Work

• Submit 2 grants

Done.

Both were scored but neither were funded. 

• Attend 3-4 national conferences (with submitted oral presentations)

I attended CUDCP in Albuquerque in January, NASSPD in Boston in March, ARP in St. Louis in June, and ABCT in Chicago in November. I gave oral talks at two of those conferences and my students presented posters at three (along with some local conferences). Additionally, I gave one invited talk at a university. 

• Submit 7 manuscripts (as well as revise/resubmit the 4 manuscripts which are currently under review, hopefully with an opportunity to revise where they are now but if not, to new outlets)

I need to be in my office to check on this one but I know we did fairly well with this goal this year with several acceptances, R&R, and new submissions. I made a goal to submit a new or revised manuscript each month and we did achieve that. 

• Catch up on clinical note signing

And now we are back to the discouraging parts.

• Submit journal reviews by the day before they are due 

This is only getting worse.

• Continue with Sunday night meetings, protecting writing time, and using the RescueTime web app

I continued with the Sunday night meetings through November and then I struggled to keep my head above water. My writing time also suffered in the fall semester. The RescueTime app has been helpful but I think I need to be held more accountable to it again, perhaps posting screenshots on occasion.
Personal Growth, Spirituality, Recreation, Physical Well-being

• Stop glorifying busy

I think I hit genuine change on this one. I am still busy and I try not to resent the busyness but I certainly am making good efforts to stay out of the competitive complaining mode. Now I need to work on not judging others who have not made this their goal.

• Find a church (after flu season) 

Not yet.

• Go to bed by midnight at least 3 nights per week

What was I thinking in making this a goal?

• Run on the treadmill or go to the gym 3 days per week

I did this incredibly well August through October. November and December were much spottier.

• Read Savor and begin to eat less mindlessly

I started this book but it came at a terrible time (from the library) so I am back on the waiting list for it.

• Participate in an organizational challenge but also give myself a break about laundry piling up. I don't like it and folding it right away (...or days/weeks later) really doesn't matter

I completed some parts of the organization challenge sponsored by Apartment Therapy. I really enjoyed it and some aspects of the challenge stuck all year.

• Read 15 books

Guys, I crushed this goal. I didn't even recall that I originally set this to 15. I said 30 on goodreads at some point in January. 58 books. I can't even believe it. The only thing that comes close to this is the number of journal articles I review. ;) I started feeling antsy last week when I realized that, with some dedication, I could double that and hit 60. But then the next book that arrived was one that begged to be savored. And journaled. And I realized the antsy pressure I was feeling reminded me of glorifying busy. So. 58 it is. Definitely a win.  

• Write 4 blogs/month

This was widely variable. This will be my 63rd blog entry for the year but that includes series of posts like for Christmas and the organizational challenge. 

• Enjoy my puppies

This one crushes my heart. Sadly, I did not spend enough time enjoying Jasper this year. I spent the summer frustrated with him and I will always wonder if/fear that the frustration prevented me from noticing how sick he got so quickly. I still can't think of this without crying. I, along with the help of A, have made a real effort to make sure that Madeline gets extra love each day. It has become some of the most bittersweet time in my day, as I can't help but feel guilty that it took losing Jasper to really appreciate them. 

Our first baby was a puppy

I started writing this blog post last night as I was waiting for Jasper's chicken and rice meal to cook and I was uploading photos as I fed him bits of chicken, mango, and banana. Sadly, Jasper died in the middle of the night. I thought I would still share this post, more for our own memories than anything. I know he was loved by a lot of people in Kentucky, too.

I mentioned a few days ago on Facebook that I wasn't sure how much longer Jasper would be with us. It might be years or it's possible he won't even be here for Christmas. As frustrated as I have been with him over the past year, this has been really hard for me. Jasper was recently diagnosed with Cushing's disease and he has quickly withered from a spritely 16.5 pound tank of a puppy to a 12 pound geriatric skeleton. The dog who would do absolutely anything for the tiniest morsel of food has been skipping meals with greater frequency for over a week. He was placed on Vetoryl which greatly improved his symptoms but the dosage was too high and his body did not respond well to it. We currently are trying to get him restabilized to begin treatment again at one-sixth of the dose. I feel hopeful that if we can just get him stable, the medication will work and he may live for another five years. But tonight (as I'm boiling chicken and rice and slicing mangoes to try to entice him to eat) seemed like a good time to reflect back on some of my favorite memories. 

My dad got Jasper for us as a Christmas present my first year in grad school at UK. He wanted to get us a chair but we really wanted a puppy. After a lot of research about the best dog for our needs, Chad and I visited a Boston terrier breeder in Danville to make our selection. We thought we wanted a girl, named Emma. While playing with her, the little runt "Jazz" crawled onto my chest and immediately fell asleep. He had my heart from that moment and we knew he was the dog for us. Over the last 12 years, we've struggled with food allergies, surgery for a luxating patella, a round of fleas in Charleston, and the recent bout of whipworm induced pica/tasmanian devilism. But he's also been our little protector, my best cuddle buddy, and the most sensitive soul in our house. He would never, ever leave my side when I was sad--even when there was food involved. He's smart as a tack, learned tricks with no effort, is surprisingly gentle with children, and has been our funny clown-dog, prancing people pleaser. 

My favorite funny memories of Jasper are the time he stole a banana out of my purse and peeled it and pranced around the living room eating it and every instance he would sing to happy birthday. Chad loved how he would suckle his canvas "kitties" and shake them. Knowing what I know now about how hard this feels, I'm sure I would go back and do things differently over the last few years. But I did what I could with how life was and the internal resources I had available. And hopefully we will have more time with him to make up for the last few years. 

We are sad to say, goodbye. Here are some of our favorite photos of Jasper, mostly from his healthy, scrappier days.