Update

I went in for my 2 week check up on Wednesday. The doctor said my incision is healing really well. I had lost 34.4 pounds since my last appointment. My blood pressure was still a little on the high side which surprised me. However the doctor was not concerned. I am still on restriction from picking up anything heavier than the baby and I'm still not able to drive.

Chad goes back to work next week. I'm definitely wishing he had taken the stay at home dad route. He has been awesome at helping care for Alaina as well as keeping up on the housework and laundry. We have had lots of amazing friends stop by with dinner and desserts or drive me around when needed. Thanks, friends!

Alaina seems to be doing well. We think maybe her face is filling back out. The feeding is still laborious and after talking with the lactation consultant again today, we learned things are actually taking longer than they should. That is encouraging in the sense that maybe it won't be like this forever...if you've wondered why I am slow to respond to emails, texts, and phone calls I have a visual of our day below. I clearly need to use the time between 4 and 8 am more effectively. ;)

Little one's umbilical cord fell off sometime on Wednesday night. However we aren't sure where it went...probably in a diaper that got thrown out. And that is fine with me because that thing freaked me out worse than the nastiest of diapers (and we've had some doozies) so we would not have saved it anyway! Yuck. However, the cord coming off did mean we were able to give Miss Pigpen a bath. She did better than we expected!

Good news

Today we went back to the pediatrician and Alaina is back up to 8 pounds and 8 ounces. They want babies this age to gain an ounce a day and she gained 7 ounces in 7 days...so right on track. I obviously was hoping for a little more after all the efforts we've put in but it's still progress. Still a ways to go to make it up to her birth weight. We have since given up (with the pediatrician's understanding) on the SNS. It was no longer working properly and all three of us were frustrated by it. So I am still trying to nurse, supplementing with formula, and pumping. It's literally an all day job. But we are happier to not have to deal with the SNS. To those who asked, here is what we were using:

Medela SNS

In opposite but exciting news for me...I've lost 27 pounds. :-)

Here is a more recent picture of Alaina. I wonder what she's thinking...probably something about how her mom and dad don't have a clue...

A week already...???

I can't believe it's already been 8 days since Alaina was born! As with most things in life, in some ways it feels like it has flown by but in others, it feels like it's been forever. I know I have been dreading this update post because things have been pretty tough around here. Don't get me wrong, Alaina is amazing and she's actually a really great baby, it has just been harder than I was expecting (and trust me, I was expecting it to be difficult!). Here are some of the details of our first days home. My hope is that future blog posts will be less emotionally distressing for me!

For those who are interested, Alaina has her own guestbook page at the hospital. She is such a doll! The hospital photographer was totally enamored with her. Of course. :-) I know Chad and I are pretty biased but we've gotten lots of validation from perfect strangers that she really is a beautiful baby.

Alaina's Guestbook Page

The rest of our hospital stay actually was pretty eventful. On Friday night, there was a tornado in Stillwater! We actually had to be evacuated down to the basement of the hospital to wait it out. Fortunately, no one was hurt and our house was fine but seriously....!! Saturday was more bad weather around Oklahoma but we were safe. Here is a picture of the little sweet pea waiting out the storm.

We got to come home from the hospital on Sunday. I will admit, I was pretty terrified to come home and with good reason! Between the painful recovery from the c-section, the fatigue and slight trauma from all the blood loss, and taking care of a brand new person, I wasn't sure I was ready to leave the comfort of the hospital! Alaina hadn't been eating very well at the hospital, despite consulting with every nurse and doctor who would listen. They really felt like because we were still under the 48 hour mark from her birth and because she had swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid, that she would be eating by the time we got home. But getting to come home would mean getting to sleep in our own bed (haha!!!) and getting to dress Alaina in all the cute clothes she had waiting for her.

Once we got home, all my fears were realized at once! Of course, the puppies were so curious about Ms. Alaina. Interestingly, Jasper was obsessed with her whereas Madeline was only mildly curious. But both had missed me and were jumping all over me. Unfortunately, I had missed my last dose of pain medication at the hospital and things were all starting to get very real very fast. Chad had to leave to go to the pharmacy and I completely lost it. I locked myself in the nursery and just held Alaina. She was crying, the dogs were in the hallway crying, and I just sat in the glider, also crying, not sure what I was supposed to do! Once Chad came back, things got better. But wow, that was a scary moment. The whole night was kind of a mess. Alaina would not sleep and I was afraid to go to sleep while she was awake (and it was kind of impossible with her screaming!). So Chad and I were both up most of the night. Unfortunately, she also continued to have difficulty feeding so that was really frustrating.

Monday morning we went to the pediatrician. When Alaina was discharged from the hospital, she had lost weight, as most newborns do, down to 8 pounds and 12 ounces. Unfortunately on Monday, she weighed 8 pounds and 1 ounce. Chad and I were shocked! Our pediatrician was very concerned and indicated that "rather than readmit" us, she would prefer to try some strategies at home. The idea of having to be put back in the hospital was a scary one! She wondered if Alaina continued to be disinterested in food so she brought in a syringe and had Chad feed her. Instantly she guzzled two syringes full! I almost lost it once again. As a clinical psychologist, I am well aware of cognitive distortions and the havoc they cause us--however, I just couldn't shake the thought that I had been starving my baby! In my heart, I knew I had been doing everything I could and did everything advised by the doctors and nurses, but seeing her down that formula just poured on the guilt! Chad was so excited though--he didn't realize how upset I was and made comments like "things are going to be so much better now that she's not starving all the time!" I was so sad. Once I told him how bad I felt, he realized that probably wasn't the best thing to say.
The pediatrician explained that the blood loss and stress of my delivery had delayed my body's response to Alaina and that was one part of why she wasn't feeding well. The pediatrician must have known what I was thinking because she was extremely supportive and tried to offer as much reframing and positivity as possible. But seeing Alaina in a milk coma following receiving the formula definitely made me cry.

We then went back to the hospital to pick up a supplemental nursing system to use in order to help Alaina's weight to get back on track. I'll tell you, this system is great in the sense of it helps moms to be able to continue feedings without having to immediately try bottles...but all three of us hate it. Despise it. Curse it when we see it. But we're doing it anyhow. She gets fed every 2-3 hours and each feeding takes around 45 minutes so there isn't a lot of time for sleep. But Alaina seems to be sleeping better between feedings so that has been good. We went back to the hospital on Tuesday and she had gained 3 ounces. Our next appointment is Monday. We are hoping she has packed on the weight. :-)

Emotionally, it has been tough. I think the feeding issues and the "mommy guilt" have definitely made it hard but we know it's just going to get better from here. We are still having to use the supplemental system and it still royally sucks but we are doing what we have to do to keep our little girl healthy. So that makes us feel like good parents already. :-) And Alaina is just wonderful. She makes all kinds of funny faces and funny squawks and noises. We just love her.

A Baby Story: Baby Alaina

This entry is coming later than I expected but life with a newborn is, not surprisingly, even harder than it looks on TV. :-) I apologize for all the unreturned text messages, emails, phone calls, and Facebook messages. Chad and I have been overwhelmed by all the support we have received. It's difficult being so far away from our family and so many life-long friends but being able to stay in touch across the miles has allowed us to feel like you guys have been a part of everything. Because of that, I wanted to provide as much detail about my experience. So yea, this is long. And it made me emotional to retell it (perhaps a few days post-partum really wasn't the best time to do this...!).

Date of Birth: Thursday, April 12, 2012, 8:55 pm
Original Due Date: April 8, 2012
Weeks Pregnant: 40 weeks, 4 days
Weight: 9 lbs, 5.7 oz
Height: 20 inches
Head circumference: 14.6 inches

As I mentioned in the previous entry, the doctor really felt that, even though my body was not indicating it was time for Alaina to come, an induction would be the best plan because of Alaina's size and the potential for complications if we continued to wait. So, Chad and I went back to the hospital at 6 pm on Wednesday evening to be admitted. The induction process typically begins with the nurses placing two monitors on you--one to monitor the baby's heart rate and the other to monitor your contractions. Interestingly, I had few contractions but once I was admitted, I started having them pretty inconsistently. I guess Alaina just knew we had arrived and it was time to kick things into high gear. That said, she did not make things easy on the nurses. In order to begin the induction (placing cervidil), the nurses needed to see Alaina's heart rate and Alaina wanted no part of that. She began squirming around and, what typically takes 5 minutes, took over 30 minutes as they kept having to come in and move the monitors around so they could get the data they needed. During this time, I also received my first ever IV--I have terrible veins so I was nervous about it but it wasn't so bad. Once the cervidil was placed, I continued having contractions every 1 to 7 minutes, and they would last 40 to 100 seconds. The doctor came in and checked and I still was only 1 centimeter dilated. The night was pretty uneventful. Not surprisingly, I got very little sleep as they were coming in to check on us at least every hour.

Thursday morning my water broke on its own at 7:05 am. Things got very real from there! The contractions were much stronger, though still pretty inconsistent. I ate breakfast and showered. I was hoping to have made progress but unfortunately, I had not. I was started on Pitocin and after several hours, had still not made any progress. I was handling the pain okay but it was worse than I expected so I did opt to get IV pain medication and an hour later, I was 3 cm and 100% effaced so I decided to get an epidural which, by the way, was pretty much the best decision of my life. All along I had said that I would prefer not to get the epidural--not because it was like a badge of honor or anything but mostly because I was really nervous about things being inserted in my spine (and maybe a small part of me wanted to see how much I could tolerate). Choosing to get the epidural after I had received the dose of IV pain meds an hour before really decreased my anxiety about the process. The anesthesiologist was phenomenal, though. He explained everything clearly and was very funny and nice. Right after the epidural (around 3 pm) I made it up to 4 cm and lost a lot more fluid.

However, several hours later, I still had not made progress. My doctor came back to check me again at 8 pm and I was still only about 4-5 cm and Alaina had not dropped. Additionally, whenever I would have a contraction Alaina's heart rate decelerated a bit, indicating that she was not tolerating labor very well anymore. I had known this was a possibility for a number of weeks and even going into the hospital the night before, Chad and I discussed that we ultimately wanted to do what was best for Alaina. My doctor came in and said that while she could support me continuing to labor, she would recommend opting for a c-section because we were getting to a point where Alaina really wasn't making progress and waiting could increase the likelihood of complications. And that just was not a decision we were willing to make. So the doctor "mobilized" the c-section team and indicated that we would be holding our baby within the hour. Remembering that statement still makes me really emotional.

Things started happening so fast after that. The anesthesiologist came back to give me a stronger dose of epidural since I would not be getting a spinal or general anesthesia. They gave Chad his information and the scrubs he would wear in the surgery room. They took me back to the room to get me prepped. I really didn't have time to process or get nervous. Everyone took really good care of me and explained what they were doing in great detail. Interestingly, I was not bothered by the medication, the pressure, the weird pulling sensations, not being able to move my arms, or feeling I couldn't breathe. What truly bothered me was the curtain. I had always seen or imagined curtains that were perpendicular to the floor--however, my experience was that the curtain was at an angle just a few feet from my face. I am not particularly claustrophobic but I actually had to keep my eyes closed throughout as it made me a little panicky. I was very thankful for my mindfulness and deep breathing skills as this (with lots of prayers!) helped keep my breathing under control.

Chad checked in regularly with the doctors on their progress. He was such a great support throughout. The anesthesiologist then excitedly told him that if he wanted to see her, that she was being pulled out. I could hear his excitement and I immediately started crying (which I was not expecting). Then I heard her crying and it was beautiful. I heard people talking about how big and gorgeous she was. The doctor told someone to bring her over so that I could see her. I couldn't believe how huge she was with rolls all over! They asked me if I wanted to touch her and I just couldn't--I knew I might lose it and I was already barely hanging onto control of the anxiety and emotions. Chad went and spent time while they cleaned her off and began taking her vital signs. He was great about coming back over and checking on me and letting me know how Alaina was doing. I kept asking for her measurements and laughed when I heard she was almost 9 and a half pounds. They brought her over and she was so gorgeous.

Once we got back to the recovery room, things started going downhill pretty fast. My nurse requested someone get the doctor because I was losing a lot of blood and clots. My doctor came in and confirmed this. I was fully awake during this time but, because of the anxiety, my memory of some of what happened is a little fuzzy. I remember asking the doctor to be frank with me and to tell me what she was thinking and asked if she was worried. My heart dropped when she looked me in the eyes and said that yes, she was concerned. They started a second IV and gave me a series of intramuscular injections (3-4?) along with the most painful "fundal massages" to try to stop the bleeding. The doctor said she was hoping to get things under control and that she couldn't predict if it would continue to worsen but they were taking every precaution they could because otherwise, they might have to do an emergency surgery to stop the bleeding and/or I may need a blood transfusion. Unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of early time with Alaina due to this but she was a little trooper. And it was worth it because the doctors were able to get everything under control and I did not need surgery and though my levels dropped quite a bit (and I'm still taking iron supplements), I also did not need a blood transfusion. We got back to our room at around 3 am and I remember little of that night. Alaina had swallowed some amniotic fluid and had been coughing that up quite a bit and that made feeding go a bit slower. But she was so alert and perfect. I was very excited she got to stay in the room with us. I really just wish I remembered a bit more.

My how things have changed...

Just for fun--here is a shot from the first day of my second trimester and then tonight, hopefully the last night of the third trimester!

Eeek!

Tomorrow (Thursday, April 12) is the big day! I went back in for my doctor's appointment and we decided to go through with the induction. I had not made any substantial progress since Monday but in talking about the pros/cons, risks/benefits of inducing or waiting, Chad and I made the informed decision to induce tomorrow. This means I am being admitted tonight for some procedures to help get me ready and it will start in the morning. So hopefully by tomorrow night, Alaina will be here!! To tide you over before then, here are a few pictures of her sweet face (which was all squished in; they are guessing her to be about 9 pounds, 2 ounces!).

40 weeks...

Updated Survey:

How far along: 40weeks, 2days
Total weight gain/loss: +37
Maternity clothes: I've mostly been wearing (nonmaternity) yoga or pajama pants and t-shirts lately. I'm home. What do you expect? 
Stretch marks: Nothing new. Still disliking the edema.
Sleep: My sleep has been pretty good.
Best moment this week: Yesterday I wasn't feeling great after the doctor's appointment and when I got home, I got a package from my former advisor with a bunch of UK clothes in it. It definitely lifted my spirits!
Movement: She is still moving quite a bit. I feel her heel "sweeping" across quite a bit and that feels so funny!
Food cravings: Still no cravings but a snickers bar does sound good (haven't had one). 
Labor Signs: I am still having the non-painful tightenings. They are happening more regularly but still no pain. 
Belly Button in or out: No real changes. 
What I miss: Nothing new here.
What I am looking forward to: Tomorrow's appointment. I am excited to see her again and nervous to see if I've made any progress. I might actually be admitted tomorrow night if we decide to go through with Thursday's induction but my body isn't 'quite' ready yet. I'm ready to have this decision made already.
Milestones: Hitting (and then passing...) the due date on Sunday.

No progress

So I had my 40 week appointment this afternoon. The good news: I had lost 1 pound (okay, that isn't necessarily good news for the pregnancy but it made me happy), my blood pressure was down a smidge, though still on the upper end (132/78), and Alaina's heart rate was in the 140s.

The not great news: I have made absolutely no progress since last Thursday. My doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday to check her size, position (since she couldn't even tell if Alaina was still head down, though she suspects she is), and level of amniotic fluid. I asked the doctor what she thought about inducing on Thursday if I still wasn't making any progress. She really didn't want to commit to anything until after the ultrasound. She said we will be looking to see if Alaina has gotten too big and to see if she has enough amniotic fluid along with making sure that my blood pressure is still in the normal range. If all is well and I haven't made further progress, we may reschedule the induction for some time next week. Again, the reason for this would be because with induction, you have approximately a 50% chance of needing a c-section and much of that risk has to do with the fact that some inductions are completed before the baby or body is ready (i.e., like in my case where I'm not making progress). So I'm not sure if I want to risk that. However, if any of the above isn't fine and I'm still not progressing, I will be admitted Wednesday night to start the induction process.

In a way, I almost wish I hadn't asked her and just went with our plan for Thursday. Now I feel like I have a decision to make that I don't want. I really just want us to do what's best for her. Hopefully on Wednesday I'll have made progress (or I'll go into labor before then) and this will be a moot point because I'm not sure I want to hold off on the induction but I'm also not sure that I want to go through with it. I know that I'm not going to care once she gets here but it's taking a little time for me to adjust. I need to just stop being a brat and trust the doctor will know what's best on Wednesday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Today is the day!!...or not...

So today is/was Alaina's due date. As expected, she was a no-show. Of course now that I'm ready for her arrival, she will probably take her sweet time. Tomorrow I will have a doctor's appointment at 2 pm and we will find out if we are making any progress. Keep your fingers crossed! I am a little bit nervous that Thursday will come and Alaina won't be ready, which will make the induction more difficult, if it comes to that. I haven't had many signs that things are changing, other than a little bit of back pain, some minor cramping, and what may or may not be nonpainful contractions. But surprisingly, I'm still not miserable. Thanks to those who've asked. ;-)

In case you were worried, I finished everything on my work list except for grading the midterms. That does need to get done...In terms of baby stuff, I did finish the thank you cards from the showers. I still have a few more that need to be sent but I actually need to buy more, oops!

And now for the very last weekly picture. I'm combining it with two other pictures from the last five weeks so you can see if you think she has dropped. I promise I have other clothes, I just wanted to show you the comparison. :-)

33 weeks

38 weeks

40 weeks

Home stretch...

Today was my 39 week appointment because she had to reschedule me from Tuesday morning. I had lost 0.2 pounds--I'll take it. :-) However, my blood pressure was up to 138/80, which did not concern the doctor at all. Given the swelling I've had in my feet and now my hands (and also a little edema on my lower abdomen which sucks!!), I was a little nervous about pre-eclampsia (pregnancy-induced hypertension, which is a pretty common but dangerous pregnancy complication). However, my doctor indicated that there has not been protein in my urine (including today) and she really doesn't worry unless the diastolic BP is above 100. I should also note that I was running late for my appointment and had to climb stairs and they took me straight back so that might have inflated it a bit so I had them take it again and it was 125/85. The doctor just said to really take it easy this weekend and to not do too much running around. So, that's the plan. I also continue putting my feet up (which will be easier when I'm not at work) and will not eat as much fast food. I do really well with drinking water already.

Otherwise, things are good. Alaina's heart rate was in the 130s which is normal. I was measuring around 41-42 weeks. I was almost 1 centimeter dilated, still about 50% effaced, and Alaina is not engaged. I haven't been having real contractions or anything. My doctor will not be on call this weekend so I'm hoping she doesn't come before Monday (unless she comes tomorrow afternoon...). There's no reason to think she'll come in the next couple of days. However, I'm much more prepared for her to come now. I was really just hoping to make it through tomorrow and it looks like that is going to happen so I am really happy! No matter what though, by this time next week, you should get to see a picture of Ms. Alaina! I will try to post a picture on Facebook as soon as possible; it's harder to update the blog from my phone, though. But I'll probably update from the hospital if the recovery is going well.

It's been a little stressful to try to get everything done by tomorrow and I'm not sure I'll get everything but I hit a lot of the really important things that others can't take over for me. Nothing new on the baby list because I've been focused on finishing for work--yay, productivity!

• Revise and resubmit NSSI manuscript YES!
• Review manuscript for Psych Assessment
• Finish grading midterms (the students said they don't care if they ever get them back! haha!!)
• Grade reports and feedback sessions for class
• Write 3 lectures
• Create grading rubric for graduate presentations
• Enter grades
• Sign clinic notes twice weekly
• Review assessment report
• Review 3 intake summaries
• Review my graduate student's thesis proposal
• Review undergraduate thesis and poster presentation
• Help undergraduate revise IRB application
• Read graduate student thesis (finishing it tonight)

Updated Survey:

How far along: 39weeks, 4days
Total weight gain/loss: +38
Maternity clothes: I've been wearing stretchy non-maternity dresses and such lately. 
Stretch marks: Nothing new. But the little pocket of edema looks yucky.
Sleep: My sleep has actually been better the last week! I mostly have been trying to convince myself I don't need to get up more than once a night and it's working pretty well.
Best moment this week: So funny! My sweet cousins had sent Chad and me a box of size 3 diapers and I put them in the closet with our other diapers. I got a message from Tori explaining things that were in the box...and we realized they weren't diapers! Instead, it was an entire box of adorable clothes, headbands, hairbows, shoes, etc. So cute! And hilarious. Thank goodness she sent us the message because we totally would have wasted all those cute little baby clothes by the time we opened that box!
Movement: Her movements have slowed down a little bit in the mornings but she still packs a punch in the afternoon/evenings, though!
Food cravings: I've thought about hamburgers a few times (which I almost never eat because I'm allergic to them) but I haven't had a strong need to eat one. Today I wanted a snickers bar but didn't get one. Still not cravings but I'm tired of having nothing to say here. I did have a bit of an aversion earlier this week though when Chad made spaghetti and I really just did not want tomato sauce. Possibly an aversion or possibly just protecting myself from reflux later that night. 
Labor Signs: I still have trouble telling the difference between contractions, braxton hicks, and stretching. But I feel like I would have to know if they were real contractions, right?
Belly Button in or out: It looks really weird; I guess it's starting to pop out a little Just a little. 
What I miss: Other than turning over in bed, I've been thinking about things I haven't eaten due to pregnancy--like pineapples and lunch meat. 
What I am looking forward to: Finally....Meeting Alaina! I am excited to see what/who she looks like, how she smells, and how cute she's going to look in all these clothes we have!
Milestones: Tomorrow is my last day of work and that's a huge milestone!

39 weeks!

Just to start--I know some people thought it would be funny for me to play an April Fool's joke that Alaina had come early but I really just couldn't do that.

So we are one week away from the official due date, or 11 days from the induction date. Either way, whew, that's coming soon! Chad is fully convinced that she'll be here within the next couple of days. I still don't think so. But I guess we'll see whose side Alaina's on from day one, right? ;-) My friend and colleague who was due April 12 had her baby on Saturday (and at 10 pounds and 2 ounces--two weeks early!). So truly, yes, any day now. But not before tomorrow...I need to watch the Cats win their 8th National Championship tomorrow night!! Alaina definitely was enjoying the win against Louisville last night! I had to keep reminding myself to breathe so that she got plenty of oxygen. We were careful to not turn any cars over or burn any couches following the epic win in the "battle for the Bluegrass" "state championship" "basketball armageddon". We do what we can to set a good example for her.

As you can see from my ticker above, Alaina is now "launch ready." The ticker also says that her legs are against her chest and knees against the nose. I just think that can't be true--I'm just starting to get kicks in my ribs and punches in my pelvic bone. So, it seems she's still flailing around in there.

The most exciting thing this week was going to the consignment sale I've talked about on the blog previously. I was so overwhelmed and surprised at how well it was done! I ended up spending only $60 but got so many of the remaining "necessities" that were still on my list. This week I also decided I wasn't happy with what I was planning to bring Alaina home in so I got a great deal online for an adorable dress and cardigan set. I can't wait for you all to see her in it. Hopefully it arrives before she does...and it fits! :-)

Below is my 39 week picture. She is still sitting a little high but I think she may have dropped a smidge. Either that or she was just positioned differently from last week.

Having the list for work is clearly helping me. Tonight I told myself I couldn't update the blog until I had finished more things off this list! :-) 

• Revise and resubmit NSSI manuscript (almost finished...which is good since it's due tomorrow)
• Review manuscript for Psych Assessment (due April 4)
• Finish grading midterms
• Grade reports and feedback sessions for class
• Write 3 lectures Finish1 lecture
• Create grading rubric for graduate presentations
• Enter grades
• Sign clinic notes twice weekly
• Review 2 1 assessment report
• Review 3 intake summaries 1 intake summary
• Review my graduate student's thesis proposal
• Review undergraduate thesis and poster presentation
• Help undergraduate revise IRB application
• Read graduate student thesis 

Most of my focus has been on work stuff but we're continuing to slowly cross things off the list (plus laundry just continues to need to be done, my goodness!):

• Find a pediatrician 
• Finish decorating the nursery
• Launder and organize the baby clothes
• Decide on a bring home outfit
• Make meals to freeze
• Write "birth goals"
• Determine what necessities we still need to buy (like um, diapers...)
• Pack our hospital bags
• Install the car seat
• Find and schedule a photographer for newborn photos
• Finish thank-you cards
• Talk to dog sitter
• Get more house keys made
• Buy curtains for front door
• Find part-time child care for the summer