Letter to my 8 year old

Oh my darling, sweet sweet love.

You are now eight and I just want to know how that happened. I am so happy that you still have a sweet little voice, an irresistible laugh, a twinkle in your eyes, and an intense desire to cuddle. These things make up your sweet spirit and bring us such joy. As you grow older, we are rewarded with seeing your insatiable thirst for answers, your push for difficult conversations, advice (oh, how you have an opinion about everything!), and a general sense of fun. You are hilarious and love to pull pranks, tell jokes, and make everyone laugh. I love how much positive affect is squirreled away in your still tiny little body.

Over the last year, you have grown so much more independent! At home, you only want to play on your own; you want to cook entire meals by yourself; and you hate when we try to help you.
Unless you don't want to do something. Then, you remain very needy. You hate nothing more than being bored without company.

You love to read and just fly through books faster than we can get them for you. You adore school and think you have the best teacher in the entire world (we don't disagree!). Being forced to stay home broke your heart especially because you said it was unfair you had only half of a year with Mrs. Hladik. You quickly rallied and embraced our cobbled together "distance learning" plans and have mostly settled into a resilient resignation of the current situation. We are fortunate that you can handle being a homebody. You are also loving math and science, which makes my heart so happy. At school, you seem to work hard often, though it seems you like finishing things more than actually learning them. You are quite impatient and are still working on your perseverance as currently, you have a tendency to want to give up easily when something is more challenging. You sometimes lean toward perfectionism and it isn't uncommon to find you crumpling a piece of some artwork that I really liked, throwing a pencil on the floor in frustration, or crying because you can't get things exactly the way you want them. I can tell you are internalizing the messages you hear at school though and are working hard to combat that as I regularly hear you saying "there are no mistakes in art!" and "things don't have to be perfect." --Granted, this is usually in response to something I say or when you're watching an episode of Nailed It or some other creative competition but I hope this will eventually generalize. I love your creativity and how, when you give yourself the opportunity, you really look at things from a new and unique way.

When you were a baby (& before you were even born), my biggest hope for you was that you would be a kind and caring person. I truly believe that this is a strength for you. You truly care about everyone and are full of empathy. Although you also can be pretty judgy, you also are quick to point out situational factors others might be facing and remind others to do the same. We think that perhaps years of people rewarding your sass has created a bit of a monster as you quickly turn your wit on us regularly (poor daddy takes the brunt of this!), though you don't seem to intend to be hurtful. I think you just like practicing sarcasm, eyerolling, and poking fun. It's hard not to laugh.

You continue to have such a sensitive heart, both in terms of content you are willing to handle in books and on movies as well as interpersonally. Regularly, you would complain about feeling left out and often cried about being sad at school. My heart has never been so shattered as the day you told me you think you "might be the loneliest kid at school." It has taken a lot of talking with you, emailing with teachers, and thinking about what is going on here as this is a consistent pattern first noticed in pre-k at age 4. We had been working on learning ways to join friends and learning that sometimes when we want to play with others, we need to compromise on what the activity is. This ability to compromise remains rough for you. But in all our conversation with teachers and staff, it becomes clear that you are loved. Friends want to play with you and seek you out. You encourage others and people like that about you.

Another year has passed and the one thing that has remained constant--You are so very loved.

2015 under review

I have a strange love for annual reports. This surprises no one given my love of data, behavioral tracking, and goal setting. It isn't just the numbers and trajectories but also the way I feel when I see the results (those unscientific feelings; let's quantify them!). I also like patterns and routines so it is only natural that I will repeat my 2013 and 2014 New Years Eve activity of summarizing our last year and weighing in on how we did with our goals. But first--Happy New Year! We were so happy to get to spend it with our new friend, Amanda.

This year brought a lot of joy and also some sadness. I guess that's the way all years will go, of course. We were so sad to lose Jasper and we continue to be sad/angry/confused by the OSU Homecoming parade tragedy and so many heart-breaking events in the world. But we had wonderful visits with family and friends. I got to travel to a number of interesting places and have fantastic food. Good friends welcomed new babies. We made some new friends and I got to see some old friends. These are the moments I hold close to my heart. But there are many other moments that made this year unique.

• We had our first visit to the Emergency Room. 
• A had her first haircut
• We tried to make each holiday special
• Sweet A turned 3, had a fun paint party and attended LOTS of birthday parties this year
• We transitioned A to a toddler bed and revamped her room and bathroom
• We had fun trips to the zoo, the Science Center, the Wondertorium, and A's first trip to the Aquarium
• A started gymnastics and tried out soccer
• I finally hung pictures on the walls in all of the rooms in our house
• I started stitch fix 
• I took the position as Director of Clinical Training
• I lost 16.5 pounds (we will temporarily disregard the 3 pounds I regained over the holidays)
• I made reading a priority and I killed my book goal

Overall, I think it was a good year. In many ways, this year has been the hardest in awhile on me and Chad. But A is thriving, work is going well, and we truly are incredibly blessed. I am working hard to continue to be grateful and use that gratitude to be kind to others.

In terms of behavioral outcomes, I took a quick look at my goals and have determined that I must pare these down for the upcoming year. And I should revisit them often.

Family, Parenting, & Intimate/Social Relations

• Be more present in relationships. Put down my phone from 6-7 and 8-9pm. 

This continues to be a struggle. Downloading the app Moment was helpful because I set a time limit per day and times that were supposed to be "screen free". However, sometimes I shut down the app or ignore the warnings. :( I don't like this. Not a good start.

• Call a friend at least once per week. 

Yikes. Not this one either.

• Go to dinner or a movie with Chad once per month.

Man, this is tremendously discouraging.

We did better this year. We hired a sitter a few times but haven't hit anywhere near monthly.

• Start getting A ready for bed by 8:45pm.

We are close here. Most nights.

• Do not do any work on Wednesday nights.

I did really, really well with this one for awhile. And then I taught three classes over the summer (mistake) and the end of the fall semester got out of control and I did not adhere to this as closely as I wanted. I should be able to pull this one (and the Fridays or Saturdays I added) back in for the spring.
Work

• Submit 2 grants

Done.

Both were scored but neither were funded. 

• Attend 3-4 national conferences (with submitted oral presentations)

I attended CUDCP in Albuquerque in January, NASSPD in Boston in March, ARP in St. Louis in June, and ABCT in Chicago in November. I gave oral talks at two of those conferences and my students presented posters at three (along with some local conferences). Additionally, I gave one invited talk at a university. 

• Submit 7 manuscripts (as well as revise/resubmit the 4 manuscripts which are currently under review, hopefully with an opportunity to revise where they are now but if not, to new outlets)

I need to be in my office to check on this one but I know we did fairly well with this goal this year with several acceptances, R&R, and new submissions. I made a goal to submit a new or revised manuscript each month and we did achieve that. 

• Catch up on clinical note signing

And now we are back to the discouraging parts.

• Submit journal reviews by the day before they are due 

This is only getting worse.

• Continue with Sunday night meetings, protecting writing time, and using the RescueTime web app

I continued with the Sunday night meetings through November and then I struggled to keep my head above water. My writing time also suffered in the fall semester. The RescueTime app has been helpful but I think I need to be held more accountable to it again, perhaps posting screenshots on occasion.
Personal Growth, Spirituality, Recreation, Physical Well-being

• Stop glorifying busy

I think I hit genuine change on this one. I am still busy and I try not to resent the busyness but I certainly am making good efforts to stay out of the competitive complaining mode. Now I need to work on not judging others who have not made this their goal.

• Find a church (after flu season) 

Not yet.

• Go to bed by midnight at least 3 nights per week

What was I thinking in making this a goal?

• Run on the treadmill or go to the gym 3 days per week

I did this incredibly well August through October. November and December were much spottier.

• Read Savor and begin to eat less mindlessly

I started this book but it came at a terrible time (from the library) so I am back on the waiting list for it.

• Participate in an organizational challenge but also give myself a break about laundry piling up. I don't like it and folding it right away (...or days/weeks later) really doesn't matter

I completed some parts of the organization challenge sponsored by Apartment Therapy. I really enjoyed it and some aspects of the challenge stuck all year.

• Read 15 books

Guys, I crushed this goal. I didn't even recall that I originally set this to 15. I said 30 on goodreads at some point in January. 58 books. I can't even believe it. The only thing that comes close to this is the number of journal articles I review. ;) I started feeling antsy last week when I realized that, with some dedication, I could double that and hit 60. But then the next book that arrived was one that begged to be savored. And journaled. And I realized the antsy pressure I was feeling reminded me of glorifying busy. So. 58 it is. Definitely a win.  

• Write 4 blogs/month

This was widely variable. This will be my 63rd blog entry for the year but that includes series of posts like for Christmas and the organizational challenge. 

• Enjoy my puppies

This one crushes my heart. Sadly, I did not spend enough time enjoying Jasper this year. I spent the summer frustrated with him and I will always wonder if/fear that the frustration prevented me from noticing how sick he got so quickly. I still can't think of this without crying. I, along with the help of A, have made a real effort to make sure that Madeline gets extra love each day. It has become some of the most bittersweet time in my day, as I can't help but feel guilty that it took losing Jasper to really appreciate them. 

Deck the Halls and Be Thankful

I am attempting to get this entry in November so that I can still reasonably include these adorable videos of A wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. It was a nice throwback to last year's video, too. :) We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. I am so thankful they are nearby. We all missed Jasper this year, particularly whenever anyone dropped a piece of food and then had to pick it up. Despite the week/month/semester's sadness and busyness, we are very thankful for all of the blessings in our life.

I've also linked last year's Christmas kick off post so you can see how things have/haven't changed. I'm excited about updates to our tree.

Miss A is so excited about the holidays. She was asking to decorate for Christmas before Halloween.

We made fun cinnamon french toast roll ups for breakfast one morning. Those were a big hit.

We have been making sure to give Madeline love lots of extra love every day.

Tomorrow starts our fun 25 days of Christmas. The next three weeks are going to be really busy at work for both me and Chad but I really loved all of the fun activities from last year and that they gave me something to look forward to in the evenings. Thus, I've decided to try again this year mostly with more low-key activities that we did previously and were fun/not a lot of work.

We also got a new advent calendar.

I'm excited also for the reappearance of the kindness elves (and hope I don't regret them this year!). In that spirit, I also came across a "kindness calendar" that will serve as a nice challenge, mainly for me but also to try to work into our daily activities. I definitely need it these days! :) 

Our first baby was a puppy

I started writing this blog post last night as I was waiting for Jasper's chicken and rice meal to cook and I was uploading photos as I fed him bits of chicken, mango, and banana. Sadly, Jasper died in the middle of the night. I thought I would still share this post, more for our own memories than anything. I know he was loved by a lot of people in Kentucky, too.

I mentioned a few days ago on Facebook that I wasn't sure how much longer Jasper would be with us. It might be years or it's possible he won't even be here for Christmas. As frustrated as I have been with him over the past year, this has been really hard for me. Jasper was recently diagnosed with Cushing's disease and he has quickly withered from a spritely 16.5 pound tank of a puppy to a 12 pound geriatric skeleton. The dog who would do absolutely anything for the tiniest morsel of food has been skipping meals with greater frequency for over a week. He was placed on Vetoryl which greatly improved his symptoms but the dosage was too high and his body did not respond well to it. We currently are trying to get him restabilized to begin treatment again at one-sixth of the dose. I feel hopeful that if we can just get him stable, the medication will work and he may live for another five years. But tonight (as I'm boiling chicken and rice and slicing mangoes to try to entice him to eat) seemed like a good time to reflect back on some of my favorite memories. 

My dad got Jasper for us as a Christmas present my first year in grad school at UK. He wanted to get us a chair but we really wanted a puppy. After a lot of research about the best dog for our needs, Chad and I visited a Boston terrier breeder in Danville to make our selection. We thought we wanted a girl, named Emma. While playing with her, the little runt "Jazz" crawled onto my chest and immediately fell asleep. He had my heart from that moment and we knew he was the dog for us. Over the last 12 years, we've struggled with food allergies, surgery for a luxating patella, a round of fleas in Charleston, and the recent bout of whipworm induced pica/tasmanian devilism. But he's also been our little protector, my best cuddle buddy, and the most sensitive soul in our house. He would never, ever leave my side when I was sad--even when there was food involved. He's smart as a tack, learned tricks with no effort, is surprisingly gentle with children, and has been our funny clown-dog, prancing people pleaser. 

My favorite funny memories of Jasper are the time he stole a banana out of my purse and peeled it and pranced around the living room eating it and every instance he would sing to happy birthday. Chad loved how he would suckle his canvas "kitties" and shake them. Knowing what I know now about how hard this feels, I'm sure I would go back and do things differently over the last few years. But I did what I could with how life was and the internal resources I had available. And hopefully we will have more time with him to make up for the last few years. 

We are sad to say, goodbye. Here are some of our favorite photos of Jasper, mostly from his healthy, scrappier days.