FOURTEEN?!?!

I was so unnecessarily concerned about how 13 would go. Thirteen was an amazing year. You are still the sweet and cool person we have been so fortunate to love for over a decade. You are incredibly funny and very thoughtful. I love to watch you think and hear your thoughts on the world (you have so many!). 

While seventh and eighth grade were not your favorite years, you are finishing the middle/junior high years strong. We thought you would have an extra year of junior high but instead you now get to attend the brand new (not yet finished!) high school next year. You were able to balance advanced algebra, ELA, and history while also working really hard in band. You had to compete against ninth graders and were very fortunate to earn a spot in honor band. Band also allowed you to experience your first sleep-away camp in another state. You enjoyed the chance to gain some independence. This summer you will begin marching band and next year you are continuing in advanced classes (adding science to the mix) and are hoping to take art and French. It will be a whole new experience with block scheduled classes. You really missed art this year and it has become very clear that STEM/engineering is not a path you have any interest in pursuing, despite doing well in those classes. 

Your summer included some really cool experiences, such as the Sandra Day O'Connor Civics camp at Arizona State. Traveling to Phoenix in June was not for the faint of heart but it was a great camp and it was fun to see another campus and get to check out ASU's law school. You remain interested in civics and social justice topics but you have not really wanted to pursue any leadership opportunities or community engagement. We also made it to Michigan this summer and enjoyed visiting family, seeing Lake Michigan, and escaping the summer heat. You also made the trek back to Kentucky when Mommy Alene passed away. We booked it there and back, driving 26 hours in four days, in order to return in time for the fall semester to begin. 

You have really nice friends across several different groups and it has been good to see you branch out to new acquaintances while maintaining a core of several lifelong friends. You are learning to be supportive and a "girl's girl." This year provided you some tough learning experiences about how your actions impact others. I think this will help make you a better friend and kinder human, though I know it was a challenge. In general, mistakes and failures are still really hard for you, sometimes saying things like "it has to look perfect or else it's bad". We haven't faced romantic relationships, which is a bit of a relief for your parents. I suspect that's on the horizon for next year and I am hopeful that you know your worth and the worth of others.

In terms of health, your asthma remains well controlled. You are very nearly 5 feet tall, which is a milestone you have gone ahead and claimed as your own. You started taking an afternoon dose of medication to help with your attention and we are glad this hasn't impacted your appetite or mood. Your emotion regulation skills have also continued improving drastically. Although you are still stubborn (you come by this very honestly!), you have grown in patience and handling disappointment.

Despite not having an official art class this year, you took a number of opportunities to be creative. After taking a few crochet classes, you really dove into this hobby for a time, even serving as a vendor in the Oktoberfest youth art festival. More recently your crochet time has been replaced by bedazzling every item in your skincare cabinet. You still love to read and have continued picking up new musical and television interests. You created a lovely space in your room that you are really proud of and now are working on making the loft space something with less playroom vibes so you will spend more time there.

You are simply the best. You like to shop except when you would rather be home. You love a cloudy rainy day and mostly avoid the sun and heat, unless it's an opportunity to swim. You are still a champion cuddler and give the best hugs. I hope that 14 is full of joy, hope, love, and hugs. 

 

Entering the teen years

Oh sweet girl. It seems just impossible that you are now 13. You remain the coolest little human. I truly enjoy hanging out with you and love to hear how you think. Twelve was another really, really good year. You finished sixth grade strong and are wrapping up your last year of middle school. 

Academically, you’ve continued to enjoy your classes. Your teachers report you’re a “joy” to have in class. We are proud that they notice that you’re a strong advocate for yourself and that you’re always willing to ask questions or talk with them about things you need clarified. While you received academic achievement certificates and awards last spring, we are most proud of your strong empathy, your witty sense of humor, and that you are never afraid to ask questions. You have grown tremendously in your ability in your ability to tolerate uncertainty and frustration. 

I worry some about what the transition to junior high will be like as you almost never have homework and still do not study but have somehow managed to keep an average grade above 99%. Next year you’re adding advanced history to your load alongside advanced ELA and algebra. You just weren’t interested in taking advanced science. While I had to bite my tongue at this choice (& your science teacher also expressed displeasure at this!), I realize the history component might be more interesting for you as well as more relevant if you remain interested in law and politics. Along these lines, you’ve been reading a lot on WW2 and have been sharing all your learning with us in the evenings alongside the notebook full of facts and maps. You also applied for a Civics Camp this summer. While we suspect you won’t be selected for the camp, it was good to see you so motivated to achieve something and it has got you thinking about experiences you would like to have that also would strengthen a future application. This year also saw a lot of growth in your interest in and skills as a clarinet player. You were thrilled to have made it into honor band and that experience seemed really transformative. You continued to love art this year and also really enjoyed your video game design class. 

You are continuing to work on your willingness to make mistakes and attempt things you might not get on the first try. However, you decided that you truly were done with softball and volleyball so this has been a much less hectic year in terms of evening schedules. You’ve been taking clarinet lessons and also requested a few crochet classes. Crocheting has been another great opportunity to watch you grow while you also work through perfectionistic tendencies and self efficacy issues. 

Although still an occasional struggle, we are quite happy to have maintained a balance with your attention and appetite. Your asthma has also been well controlled, which we have been very grateful for this year. You’ve grown a couple of inches, finally reaching tall enough to sit in the passenger seat on trips around town, which was a very exciting milestone for you. You’ve grown a lot in your interests this year, discovering a ton of music, new tv shows, and working on a number of creative outlets. You’ve rearranged your bedroom a few times and even change the whole aesthetic this spring, with some serious painting help from a friend. You have a lot of opinions and this is something I (generally) love. 

Social relationships have sometimes been a challenge this year. You have learned a lot about having different levels of friendship as well as navigating close friends who have closer friends than you. This is something you’ll likely continue to grow in over the next few years. You also are working on reaching out to develop acquaintances into friendships. As someone who tends to be pretty sensitive to rejection, you’ve shown a lot of progress in this area. At 13, with a lot of trepidation on my part, we finally decided you were old enough and responsible enough for a cell phone. I haven't seen you this excited about a gift since the Frozen jeep you got for Christmas almost a decade ago. 

Finally, we love how much you enjoy time with your family and with the dogs (including even an unsuccessful dog training class with Mochi last spring). You’re getting easier to get out of the house, with lots of potential motivators (namely makeup, matcha or chai lattes, or yummy snacks), but you also are a girl who loves her downtime at home. We love that you still cuddle and give the best hugs. I hope that continues throughout the teen and adult years because it really is my favorite thing. I have a lot of trepidation as we enter this next stage of development but I also am loving most every day these days.

Nine and a half

Tonight I am filled with tears and bittersweet gratitude as you hit the next half-year milestone. I made the realization that you are now moving closer to double digits and “rounding up” to 10. I don’t like that. Not one bit. 

This last six month period has been a whirlwind. In this time, you reacclimated to school in person; you tried summer school; you went to a few in person summer camps that were enforcing COVID precautions. We also moved to a new house and sold the only home you ever knew. You were so excited to look at new houses but then you cried and raged for days when we actually decided to move. You even asked if you could just stay in the old house. Fortunately, you now love your new room, your awesome loft playroom/library/music/art room, our backyard, and the cool cul de sac (and although you were a little late to it, you finally took off on bike riding because of this great location!). 

You are so happy to be back in school and we once again feel like we won the lottery with your amazing fourth grade teacher. She is exactly what you needed to rebuild your confidence and love of learning after such a rough year. We have received several good reports from her on how incredibly kind you are and that you are an encourager of all students. That just makes me so proud and happy. You also do a good job standing up for yourself and standing up for others, which is also so valuable. She also noted that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and said she was the same way at your age. 

Academically, you seem like you’re doing well in your classes/grades. We still have some concerns related to your math testing but your teacher said you’re understanding all of the concepts that have been introduced. We started with a math tutor just in case, though, given the research on girls and math confidence at your age. Hopefully you’ll be able to work these things out as well. 

Your interests continue to be reading (graphic novels only), playing animal crossing, drawing, and playing. You also have been loving cooking and baking and really want to learn how to decorate cakes. This has been a lot of fun. 

Health wise, your asthma is still pretty well controlled on the higher medication. We are anxiously awaiting approval for children to get the COVID vaccine to breathe another sigh of relief (your dad and I were thrilled to get our boosters alongside our flu shot this year). We are keeping an eye on you now because you’ve been reporting infrequent bouts of dizziness that we haven’t found medical cause for yet. I’m sure I’ll report back here in December following your neuro appointment. Fortunately, they don’t happen often and you’re pretty unimpaired by them but it’s still unnerving. 

This year has been a tough one because you are developing some of that tween attitude and you’re not always the little cheerful helper of years past. It’s a new stage of parenting and we are back to a bit of winging it, hoping that we are supporting your independence while also trying to raise you to be a helpful and kind member of society. It seems like they see that at school, even if it isn’t always visible at home. Although it’s hard to see you getting older, you remain such a cool little person that I don’t think about the sadness on a daily basis. You are so funny and witty and continue to pick up on so much social nuance that even adults miss. You want to fight for the rights of others. You have a million questions (most of which you want to ask at bedtime) and you can’t stand being left out of any conversation or decision. You have funny dreams and you relish telling us about them. You love your dogs like nothing else—sometimes crying that they will one day die. Although Norabelle has always been your favorite, you’ve recently decided that Baxter is your very best friend. You love to cuddle with him and I’m so lucky that you’re still cuddly and affectionate with mom, too. 

Friends are still sometimes an issue as more relational aggression is starting at this age. You were incredibly devastated that your best friend E move to Oregon this summer. However, you were very happy that you were placed in class with another good friend and you seem to like your classmates. You were having a tough time with one child last spring and were happy they weren’t placed in your class. You really do relish watching (but not participating in) what you call “middle school drama”. You also love recounting it on the drive home. I’m trying not to reinforce this funny passion while at the same time I’m holding close to my heart the fact that you enjoy sharing this with me. I know the tween and teen years will be tough but man, I don’t want to lose this.  Although mornings (& some afternoons!) can be stormy lately, you do revert back to the happy ray of sunshine after given a bit of space and a snack. You have a lot of energy but appreciate a lazy day. You can be reserved but you love fiercely. I’m impressed and proud how much you’re willing to put yourself out there and how you stand your ground. All of these things make you an amazing kid and will one day translate into an amazing adult. 

I’m just not ready for it to be happening so fast. 

And then, you were 9

As consistently happens as I sit down to write these letters to you, I am overcome with such overwhelming emotion that time--which otherwise creeps so slowly--is moving too fast as you continue to grow. Nine.

NINE.

We have only one year left in the single digits.

That feels monumental.

It feels impossible. 

How? You truly were just four years old. It feels like literally only moments ago that we were dropping you off at daycare. And now you are this big third grader. You have your first round of state tests next week. It cannot be so. Yet, here it is.

This past year has been full of challenges and, although it has been incredibly tough for you, you are so resilient. Your dad and I are so amazed by and proud of you. We are fortunate that you can be a bit of a homebody and that you can entertain yourself. I cannot imagine spending the last year with anyone else. We are all, also, exhausted.  

Favorite characteristics are that you are funny and clever and so creative. You love to cast plays and write (you sometimes work on your "second novel"). You love comedies and have cultivated a love for cheesy romantic holiday movies, which really made me laugh this past December. You spent the last year watching several 1990s sitcoms like Family Matters, Full House, and Sister Sister, which was a lot of fun for me. You are unbelievably witty and just a touch judgy. We will continue to work on that. 

I absolutely love hearing the way you think about things. You are always pondering and have hundreds of questions. We have always tried to teach you about inclusion but over the last year, you have become extremely passionate about social justice and equity. Recently, you indicated that when you grow up, you wanted to help people so that things will be fair for them (you added you wanted to find a way to do that which wouldn't be dangerous and get you killed, which was a sobering and heartbreaking statement to hear from an 8 year old). Your energy is currently focused on learning American Sign Language and learning about Deaf culture. You now finger spell faster than I can keep up with you and you have far surpassed my very limited knowledge of signs. Throughout the year, you have been very interested in learning about civil rights, Black Lives Matter, Indigenous land, appropriation, and kid activism. You are clearly a sponge and are far more fearless and less self-conscious about your beliefs and actions than I have ever been.    

School was super tough for this house over the past year. In order to keep all three of us safe, reduce the census for teachers and kids who needed to be in school, and to maintain some sense of consistency in our schedule, we made the difficult choice to enroll you in virtual school through our district. As incredible as the teachers were, this was just not the same. While there was a lot of good in our time spent together, as a year of school, it was pretty terrible. Your love of learning took a massive hit. We try not to put much stock in testing but we saw most of your scores stagnate or plummet over the last year. Your self-confidence in math plummeted and your attention span drastically decreased. While you continued to love to read and do science experiments, school through the Edgenuity platform was a fight at least two or three times per week, often resulting in slammed doors and heated arguments. You regularly said that you were learning nothing. I think you might have been right about that. As a parent, this was so heartbreaking to watch and experience, especially for a such a bright sunshine kid who loved nothing more than school and her teachers. It was pretty shattering. After your dad and I (alongside many of your teachers and school staff) were vaccinated, we fortunately were able to enroll you back in person for the remaining 7 weeks of the semester. This has brought new challenges through readjusting to a schedule, acclimating to the stimulation of school, and you feeling anxiously behind in learning. Your old complaints about not having friends and not understanding how to join groups at recess have also resurfaced. However, we are hopeful that you are happier. We are thrilled with your new teacher and how much she seeks to connect with her students. We hope that this 7 weeks can reignite your passion for learning.

Spending the last year with you was really something. When you look back on this year of your life, I am really curious what you will remember. This year was certainly full of lost patience, tears, interruptions, and loneliness. I would love to say that I spent the last year savoring every moment of your life but there was just too much stress and work for that to be the case. But the last year was absolutely also full of thousands of hugs, fun projects, silly jokes, cuddles on the couch, and meaningful conversations. Being mindful of these moments is tough. I wish I could report that I have gotten better at this but it remains a work in progress. 

The best part of 8, without a doubt, is all of the many, many hugs you gave throughout the day, everyday. You still give the best hugs. You love nestling up together to read a book or watch a movie. I have felt like I grew an appendage because you were so often attached to me on the daily. That was pretty great. I am so grateful you are still cuddly and affectionate.

We are so thankful for you and the sparkle you bring to our lives and the lives around you. Your eyes truly sparkle with wonder. I hope you never lose that. We love you so much. Happy 9th birthday, my love, no matter how impossible it might seem.

Letter to Smudge: Seven

My sweet girl. Today is your birthday and as always, I stroll down memory lane to remember this night seven years ago; the night when you made me a mom. You have grown and changed so much since that time but there are parts of you that have remained stable since you were an infant (it's almost like personality is a thing).

You are incredibly special and are absolutely my favorite person to hang out with each day. Your hugs are the best. I am fortunate that you are so generous with this special ability. The teachers and staff at your school also say you give the best hugs. We are so happy to see you do so well in school. Your teacher has said that you are the sweetest and most helpful child she has taught. She said you are a friend to everyone and are loved by the majority of the students. While I sometimes worry about you doing well enough or becoming appropriately assertive, ultimately, I truly do want you to be kind and helpful. I am so glad that is who you are.

You also are doing great in school. You are reading and doing math above your grade level. I say this primarily as a reminder to me that staying calm is always better. When you were in kindergarten and there was talk of being "behind" in reading, I questioned myself constantly, wondering if our more hands off approach and focus on play instead of academics was going to be wrong for you. I am thrilled that you're doing so well now, with no real changes to what we do (reading at night, primarily).

Ultimately, I just think you are a super cool person. Your excitement and enthusiasm for life is absolutely contagious and is one of your best qualities. You are also so thoughtful and you notice absolutely everything--nothing gets by you.

You really are growing into your own identity. Now you say that sometimes you like being small (though you do not like being in a 5-point harness car seat and you're ready for a booster seat like months ago; mama has not been ready). You are getting very good at expressing what you want but also taking perspective from others' views.

Much of your time is spent drawing on paper. You absolutely love to draw--anything and everything. You've also become quite interested in fabric crafts--fabric markers on t-shirts, distressing your own jeans, etc. Of course, you also would basically always choose a screen over any other activity, if given the chance. You have almost finished your year of tap and dance and we have temporarily decided that this will be your last for awhile. You just do not like it. However, you also don't like gymnastics so I'm trying to find other activities you could enjoy. We will start running club in the fall. And maybe piano lessons.

We will see. I am so interested to see what seven brings us.
I know it will bring us love.

Smudgalina is 6.5

My sweet girl,

How is it possible that you are 6 and a half? Your vivacious love for birthdays (and half birthdays) knows no bounds. You make us celebrate. You remind us of the small things and the places to find joy. You are just so excited about everything. And we love you for it. You are sunshine and light and you are sparkles and rainbows.

You are also sass and temperament and I worry almost every day how we will survive the tween years.

Oh, how you make us laugh. Absolutely nothing gets by you and you make connections and find themes like a tiny little private investigator. It blows us away. You don't always try your best; you take the easy way out sometimes (ahem); and you can be so infuriatingly perfectionistic that it's like holding a mirror to my brain. It makes me wonder if others can see what we see. Sometimes you just act like a wild child and other times you are so quiet; both of these seem like covers for the real you. Our first parent-teacher conference will be this week and I'm curious to hear if your new first grade (!!) teacher can see you. The things I imagine we will hear are that you love to read and you are full of life. I hope that she will also say that you are kind. She likely will say some of the things that I just mentioned, especially that you like to gloss over things you don't know and that you sometimes avoid a challenge. 

School remains tough for me but seems fine for you. You like your teacher and love to learn. I continue to "turn the mind" that social skills are more important than academics at this age and that I should not focus on test scores and reading levels (which are fine and not even worrisome). You are doing a great job reading and your inventive spelling sure is inventive. Rather than really learning phonics, it seems like you instead just memorize words and make guesses on things that look like those words. This means you have a good vocabulary of words that should be challenging but it also doesn't follow the pattern I was expecting. But again, I am trying not to let academic achievement striving get in my way of your way. You were thrilled to be placed in the same class as a favorite friend, E. Your teacher was smart to keep the two of you separated during class time. I like to think that you are nice to as many kids as possible. I sure hope that is true. You have started coming home  somewhat hyper focused on stories about one little girl in your class who you mention as not being very nice to you or to others. Handling that in the "right" (ha, I know...) way has been a challenge. We read a lot of books that focus on kindness and I hope you will always stand up for others and for what is right and just.  

The last six months have continued to be somewhat emotional but you do seem to have a stronger sense of self. You no longer seem concerned that you are among the smallest in your cohort. You like what you like without too much worry about what others will think. You are funny and you laugh at your own jokes. You're still sensitive and egocentric but that seems developmentally normal. You love to draw and color, to build legos, and to create stories both on paper and with little figurines and dolls. 

You completed ninja classes again this summer and now are back in tumbling, tap, and ballet. None of these are things that you love but you're happy to be involved in activities. Again, you would love running club but I cannot make the day work in our schedule. This summer we also went to Utah and we are leaving for fall break in Michigan later this week. Your asthma has been fairly well controlled and we continue to love your doctors. 

The biggest excitement, of course, has been that you lost TWO teeth since your last letter. 

Evenings with you remain the most wonderful part of the day, as you unload stories, dreams, fears, and favorites.

Thinking about you turning 7 is another stab to my heart. I am so glad that at 6.5 you are still small enough to carry and that you remain so full of love, cuddles, and kisses. I continue to hold on to that as long as I can.

Letter to Smudge: Sweet Six

Oh sweet girl. You are SIX. How did that happen? I think in my head you will always be three.

Five was full of wonder. You love telling (or attempting to tell) jokes, storytelling, doing science experiments, creating all types of art, and laughing. You are always laughing and love to make us laugh. You recently discovered podcasts and are obsessed with "Circle Round". You have an opinion about absolutely everything (sometimes your opinion is biting and judgmental!). You continue to be somewhat perfectionistic when it comes to drawing, spelling, and coloring. This leads to meltdowns colossal in scope. I asked you your favorite things about being five and you said "being cute" and "Disney".

You currently are enrolled in tap. Your outfit is so stinking cute that I can barely stand it. We are looking forward to your recital next month. You decided to stop gymnastics last semester after a few bad experiences that led you to refuse to even get dressed to go to class. Like so many things,  I truly questioned the 'right' parenting decision (when will I learn that this 'right' is as elusive and mythical as the unicorns you currently love so much?). I do not want to reinforcing quitting things but you were also so little and not on a team. Ultimately, I think it was the right call. You are considering a different class this summer (though you have explicitly demanded that we do not do swim again; you say ever). You would have loved to do running club but it was at a day/time I could not make work. Maybe next year.

School has been an interesting experience. You are in such a warm and loving environment and you seem really happy with both the school and the after school program. We have been genuinely impressed with the staff and many teachers. Your experience is a bit unique as you had substitute teachers from December through mid-March while your teacher was on maternity leave with her sweet new baby boy. Additionally, you missed 3.5 days in February for ice and weather followed directly by our Disney trip. You went back for a week before spring break and then were back for a week prior to the teacher walk out (currently ending Week 2 of no school). You seem to be learning things, though. You went from knowing only a handful of sight words to knowing scads of them. You are still working on reading books and sounding out unfamiliar words but I know you'll get there. You also love to do math, always asking us to "do pluses" or "do minuses" with you. We walk a fine line as you often get frustrated when the equations are too easy and upset if we ask something you feel is too difficult.

You've done so much over the last year. In addition to starting kindergarten and all that entails, you went on trips to Disney and back to Kentucky. Disney was one of those trips that you remember more fondly than might be a reality because I think both of us are ready to go back soon.

This year you have struggled a bit with your size, given that a number of the pre-k students and most of your kindergarten class are taller than you (fortunately you have only asked about switching out of your car seat once; I'm still not ready to move you). However, everyone thinks that you have shot up and had a growth spurt. It's true. You grew about 2.5 inches over the last year. Wow! You also gained about 6 pounds. This is squarely in line with averages listed on medical sites for annual growth. Yay for staying within statistical averages! You also frequently ask why you "haven't lost a tooth" given that many of your friends are losing teeth left and right. I'm totally fine with the tooth fairy avoiding our house for a little longer.

I am so thankful that you still love to give hugs and kisses. Your cuddles are the best. I am happy that you are still small enough that I can cart you around because your hugs are my favorite. This year, you have also discovered the joy of back scratches. You look up with total wonder and, without fail, say "how do you always know where it itches?" It's adorable.

You continue to grow in independence, especially in terms of playing alone. You still have a lot of things that you want someone to be with you--though that sees to mostly be because you get bored when you're alone. As you get older, I am hopeful that you will continue to grow in generosity, altruism, and empathy. Like many five/six year olds, you are pretty self-centered.

My absolute favorite time with you these days is in the evening at bedtime. I have been laying with you on your big girl bed for 5-10 minutes before you sleep. During this time, you like to relay your dreams, the best part of your day, your fears, and your favorites. I also get extra cuddles during this time and that is truly the best.

Finally, I am just absolutely thankful for you. Although the days are long and hard, and often no fun, you truly are a joy. I am hopeful that six is full of amazing.

Smudge turns 5.5

Wow, sweet girl! Another 6 months have gone by in the blink of an eye. You started school and are absolutely loving it. Mommy and Daddy have had a rough time adjusting to the frequent (though recently diminishing) after school meltdowns, the massively different academic expectations, the constant struggle of earlier bedtimes, and meals, early morning school bells, and keeping up with all the things. You struggled with not knowing the kids in your class, at first but you seem to be doing great now and are making lots of friends at school. Your favorite friend, E, is in a different class but you are so happy to be at the same school. The other struggle you face on a daily basis is being asked by numerous parents, teachers, and administrators if you are 4 or if you are in pre-k. This is a very, very sensitive topic for you.

Even with the added emotional lability, you remain the sunniest part of our day. You give out smiles generously and continue to hug fiercely. Your teachers have noticed what we have long said--you are always excited about everything. The positive emotions you feel just radiate from your soul. You love to laugh, to sing, to dance, and to tell stories. At night, I lay in your (new, big girl!) bed for 10 minutes and you highlight your favorite parts of the day, tell silly jokes, and give a thousand hugs. It is hands down, the best aspect of each day for me. My second favorite part is often when, right before I go to bed, I go tuck you in and kiss you again. You are so peaceful and sleepy and completely wonderfully still.

You are starting to recognize and sound out a few words but you aren't really reading yet. This seems to be concerning to the school. I appreciate the work and the importance of testing but the high stakes standards are so difficult for me to swallow. You love to write and are able to spell words from memory--I feel like if you can spell words and names from memory, you must be learning something worthwhile. But it's hard for me. The part of me that learned that Bs are unacceptable and that there is a right or perfect way of doing things is at constant war with the part of me that reads the research on early literacy and not pressuring children into reading before they are ready. I imagine this will only continue to get more fun as you progress through school.

Currently you are in tap and gymnastics. You are desperate to learn to do flips and cartwheels and are excited to now be able to flip over the vertical bar. You absolutely love to draw and to write. That is what you spend so much of your time doing. You started watching a show on Amazon that highlights creativity (Creative Galaxy) so our house has become a museum of various projects--absolutely everywhere. But we love it. You are incredibly funny and always keep us on our toes. Watching you develop insight, test predictions, and make logical connections. You are just so fun.

These days you are looking forward to our upcoming Disney trip, Halloween, Christmas, the first grade, and turning six. You complained last week that you wanted to wear a Halloween shirt but you were were worried because you said none of the other children were wearing halloween yet. I can't believe these social comparisons begin so young.

I  also can't believe this next birthday letter we will write to you will be when you are 6. It feels like a lifetime from now but I am well familiar with how quickly time moves by as you get older.  :) Somehow, I imagine I will remain surprised, however. Right now you are the perfect size and age for everything so I can't imagine how you will be when you are too big to carry. I hope I still have awhile for that.

5 year letter

My sweet, sweet girl,

You are now five. You have talked about this age for so long and it's finally here. "When I am five, I will listen," "when I am five, I can ride a scooter," "we can go to Disney World when I am five," "I'll go to big school when I am five." You have a list of things you say you won't ask to do once you're five (ask for help after going potty or washing your hands, drinking milk out of a silicone cup in the morning) that I anticipate aren't actually stopping anytime soon.

Five is hard.

Every parent I have talked to has agreed that the transition from four to five is a tough one for parents. You still seem so little but now there are so many more expectations that other people have. Previously if you were at the store doing something childlike, such as running or whining, when people ask how old you are, they seemed sympathetic "ah, four. she's still little." Five just seems like a significant jump. Now you are school aged. Man. That feels like a punch in the gut, sweet pea.

You are growing and your personality is so apparent every day. You can still be slow to warm up to people and new situations but once you are comfortable, you just love to entertain. You tell stories and update us on all the things you are learning or experiencing. You love the theatrical build up of telling us something new. "Hey mom, you know what happened today? [dramatic pause] Someone pooped on the porch at school!! [peals of laughter]" Oh yes, potty humor is particularly hysterical. "Mommy, [friend] stopped the toilet today and Ms. A had to put gloves on and stick her hand in there!!"

You love fiercely. We love that you continue to give giant hugs with tight squeezes. You love to be picked up. You love to be held. You love to cuddle. Please don't change that. You love your friends and you seem to really be internalizing all of the messages you hear at home and at school about being kind and being a good friend. I am so thankful for this. That said, you do occasionally get in tuffles with your friends, surprising me when you tell me that a friend pushed you into the picnic table and when I ask why, you sheepishly admit that you pushed her because she was in your space and wouldn't stop playing with you, despite your request to play with someone else.

Some days, you enjoy playing by yourself for hours. Even at school or at birthday parties, I will catch you off to yourself playing. However, sometimes you don't want to be left alone even long enough for me to let the dog out or wash my hands. You love reading and you are pretty obsessed with writing letters. We certainly don't push writing at all and we know that all kids have their strengths. Writing is yours--we think your handwriting might have already surpassed your daddy's. It's been awhile since you mastered writing the alphabet (though, of course, you still write a fair number of your letters backward) and you quickly moved into writing "bubble" letters and then trying your hand at writing "fancy". This year, you insisted on addressing almost all of your birthday invitations. You even got up early on Saturday, took your class list into the living room, and got to work. I was blown away.

You continue to love asking questions and doing experiments. Sometimes you ask unsurprising questions we know the answer to (why is it raining?), questions about movies that are hard to describe (why does Gaston stab the beast? why is the beast mean?), and sometimes you ask things completely out of the blue (where does the Grinch live? why do astronauts keep their helmets on in space). Your memory is also so very fun to watch and experience. It is surprising and wonderful! We use it as a helpful tool sometimes but also suspect that it will sometimes lead to our frustration.

You're currently doing ballet and gymnastics (dance/tumbling combo). You seem a bit tired of ballet but are very excited for your recital next month.

Last but not least, by the time I write your next letter, you will have started kindergarten. I just don't even understand how this is happening. The days are long and the years are short. So so short. Slow down, baby. Help us to remember. We know we will never enjoy every moment but I sure hope we have lots of happy moments and recognize when they are happening.

Letter to smudge 4.5

Dear sweet girl,

You are so exuberantly full of life. In the last 6 months, I've had at least a thousand instances where I thought my heart might burst with love and pride for you. This would be a good time to remind myself that life with you has gotten easier and more fun. You are such a good helper and you try really hard to listen and follow rules. Most days. I worry sometimes that I reinforce that a little too much. Lately you have become obsessed with mistakes and being wrong (crying "I was not right, mommy!"). These things make you cry and make you apologize more than is needed.

You are incredibly intuitive and emotionally sensitive to others. However, you really like to use this to your advantage sometimes. Sometimes you still say things like "mommy, do you miss when I was 3? Do you want me to be your baby forever? Will you love 5?" with a sly smile on your face. You get the same look on your face when Daddy calls you a Daddy's girl and you assert you are Momma's girl. You don't miss a thing and your memory is a steel trap. 

One of my favorite things is that you sing or hum all the time. In addition to songs you're learning at school (ear worms!) and Disney songs, you love the Beatles. Your favorites are Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, All you Need is Love, and Yellow Submarine. We think this is fun and we thank Netflix and Pandora for giving you such great taste. You love routines and to ask the same questions over and over, mostly these are things to repeat some sort of pattern like "what day is it? What comes after Wednesday? What comes after Thursday?..." and on. You love to count and write letters and draw pictures. Our house is full of papers that have long strings of words that don't make sense to us but are sentences to you.

You recently went through a phase at school where you would tell us that no one would play with you or that you didn't have any friends. We tried not to give this too much attention and talked about finding people to play with. As it turned out, your teachers assured us that you had many friends and briefly tracked who you played with during the day. Now you regularly come home telling us all of the things you played and who all played with you. This whole experience causes me dread that you will soon begin kindergarten ("big school"). I want to remain in denial.

We recently started you in ballet which you seem to like. This is a far cry from last September when you refused to do dance because you "don't like buns!" It seems like you are enjoying it, though we haven't been able to watch any of the classes. You are still in gymnastics and seem to be enjoying that. We did swimming over summer and you frequently still talk about how much you loved that.

You are not a home body. Your most frequent refrain on the weekend and in the evenings is that you "want to go somewhere." You aren't very particular about where we are going. You love going to the library and even have your own library card. Occasionally, we have spent all of Saturday morning out and about and, as we go home, you begin complaining you want to go someplace else. If I list all of the places we went, you will respond "that is not a lot. I want to go to one hundred thirty five places!"

You are still tiny and love to be carried. I'm glad because I'm not ready to give that up yet.

When told today that you were 4.5 you very sweetly replied "I am? Yay!" and then proceeded to talk all day about all the things you can do now that you are 4.5. I asked you what your favorite part of being 4 and a half and you said "going to school and telling my friends I'm 4.5!" Apparently that is exactly what you did all day today! Tonight, in celebration and as requested, we made brownie cupcakes with fluffy peanut butter frosting.

I love you so much, little one. We feel so fortunate that you are such a wonderful girl. 

Letter to Smudge: Four

Dear sweet girl, somehow I think these letters are getting harder. On a daily basis, I try to think about what you will want to know about who you were at this age and what I will remember (or be sad that I forgot). However, when it's time to write the letter, I am just distracted by the crushing and desperate sensation of trying to slow time. You are enthralled by the power you wield over everyone's emotions as you get bigger. You've picked up on phrases like you'll always be our baby along with the thought that we will love four as much as three. Not long ago, you surprised me by asking if I was sad you weren't going to be 3 anymore. It stopped me in my tracks as I wondered what else you're picking up on and how careful we should be wishing away the moments we have.

So far, three really was our favorite age. It hasn't always been easy but it is so rewarding. Your personality is just lovely. You have all of our best traits alongside ones we don't know where they came from. In general, you are filled with positive affect and your laugh lights up the room. You spend a lot of time singing and humming; you talk to your toys so sweetly; and you can be so gentle with Madeline (usually).

You remain quite sensitive, though I'm sure some of the sensitivity just comes with the developmental territory. You cry inconsolably when you miss people. Sometimes when I pick you up from school, you will be so happy and full of joy and as you're bounding along to the car, you will say "I cried about you at school today. I missed you." On an almost weekly basis, you bring up Jasper as well. This has gotten a little better in that they are no longer meltdowns that last 30 minutes but we've definitely had our moments. The roughest was one evening when you said you missed Jasper and then started crying saying "who made him dead? I don't want him to be dead. I just want to pet him." Me too, sweetie. We sit with you and try to support you through the big emotions. Those emotions and that passion are also responsible for how fiercely you love and how tightly you hug.

Those emotions, and some normal self-centeredness are also responsible for the frustration you feel you don't get your way and lead to you saying things like "you're not my very best friend right now!" 

Developmentally, you continue to do well. You're doing great learning to listen in gymnastics and I daresay it has even helped with your clumsiness. Your legs are slightly less bruised because you seem to be tripping over air with reduced frequency! You love your teachers there as well--likely because you are carried almost the entire time you aren't performing. At school, you are obsessed with writing and knowing letters. You want to know what all words start with and you love writing your name. It sounds like sometimes you get frustrated that you don't yet know how to read. I think that's less because you really want to read and more because if you see someone doing something, you think you should be able to do it, too. You have great pattern recognition, though, in that you can write many of your classmates' names and you tend to be able to guess who a name is by the first or second letter.

You've also become quite a little gossip. You love to come home and tell us about your day and all of the drama that ensued. A conversation typically goes something like "you know what?" "H said stupid and that's a bad word, right?"..."you know what?" "J said pee pee and that's a potty word, right?" For a brief while, we were having some issues with her coming home and saying things like "S said girls can't like dinosaurs" so we had to start having those discussions early. It was fun to watch them progress so that it became "S said girls can't be firefighters but girls can do whatever they want, right?" Ms. Brooke also has been running interference with you all by reminding the class that girls and boys can do whatever they want. You also sometimes come home and say that a friend is bad so we have been talking about the difference between bad people and bad behavior.

You're a little person and in that, I can see who you are and who you will be as you get older. Sometimes I flash forward to the dream that we are still (very) best friends as you go off to college. I hope you are still a momma's girl. And I want your hugs to always be so tight. And I always want to remember the way it felt to have you in my arms. Happy birthday, love.

Today you are you. 

That is truer than true.

There is no one alive

Who is more youer than YOU.

~Dr. Seuss

Letter to smudge: 3.5

Wow, sweetheart. This one really snuck up on me. How are you already 3.5? For some reason this is hitting me hard tonight as I know that tomorrow you will be closer to 4 than you are to 3. This makes me incredibly sad. I really am not sad on a day to day basis as I consider you getting older. It's just too much fun and so much reward (or so much of the monotony, routine, and stress) to get caught up in how sad it all is. But when I stop, when I have these moments...it overwhelms me. It's the same story every letter, right?

It's getting harder and harder to identify just a few favorite things. You have the fiercest, most powerful love and that translates into the absolute best hugs in the world. You have picked up on this fact and use it to your advantage on a regular basis. No one can turn down your hugs, no matter how they are feeling. For awhile you wouldn't let us kiss you before bed because you would cackle and say "kisses make me sweaty." I think this stemmed from me saying I shouldn't kiss you one day after I had exercised and then you were reinforced with lots of laughter when you repeated it. Daddy and I think you are so funny. You make us laugh every day.

Your attention to detail, while sometimes exasperating, is really interesting to watch. Your socks have to be put on at just the right angle; your clothes have to match in a particular way that only you understand; and you have very specific ways that you want to color and play games. I hope that points to adaptively high conscientiousness in adulthood but your current organization system for your belongings leads me to question this sometimes.

There's a funny thing about you that we haven't been able to figure out. One of the most common things we hear (from doctors, nurses, strangers, family of friends) is that people can tell that you are "just so smart". This is often hard for me to swallow because I know that intelligence isn't assessed in this manner and that toddler skills don't really translate incredibly well into academic success. Maybe it is just something that people say to parents to make them feel good but it happens at an alarming rate. To be clear, though, your dad and I think you are brilliant and adorable.

Your transition to the 3 year old class was rough. Your emotions got stronger. You got louder and yelled more. You got put in time out a lot at school. We were starting to get nervous when things just leveled out and seem more settled now. You mostly love going to school. You know your ABC song, can identify most letters, shapes, and colors. You are learning about various occupations and I love hearing your stories about your friends and teachers at the end of the day. I'm already thinking about you going to pre-k and how that seems so impossibly big and far from now.

Within the last week, your dad and I have looked at each other with knowing glances more than once as we begin to understand all of the grumblings about threenagers. For awhile we were thinking we might have actually missed this phase. While you have become more emotionally stable and rarely throw tantrums, you've definitely gotten more headstrong and curious about boundaries. You are persistent and demanding. Limits have become more difficult to enforce (but we know that's the time they're most important!). You also ask "why" about evvvvvvvverything. I love answering your genuine questions ("why does it get dark? why does the moon come out?") but I get frustrated when you ask why just to ask why ("I want a tomato." [hand you a tomato] "why did you give me a tomato?') all.day.long. But you know what? These are also qualities that I am so proud that you have. I want you to be intellectually curious. And headstrong. And persistent. You're going to be a force to reckon with one day. But man. It can be exhausting to parent.

I am so lucky that I get to spend lots of time with you. Sometimes this is rough on all of us and I certainly don't pretend to enjoy every moment. But I sure do enjoy a lot of them. I've recently started telling you at the end of the day how much fun I had and we each try to name our favorite part of the day or evening. I should probably start writing those down somewhere.

Some of your favorite things are sliding, coloring, being outside, and candy. You currently don't have a favorite show because you want to find every possible show on Netflix with each one more annoying than the last until we completely lose our minds. Your favorite books are Where's my mom? and Fancy Nancy. I love watching you 'read' them. You love to make up games for us to play and then instructing us on the rules as we go. The most recent games you made up were "Shimmer and Shine Play-Doh" which inexplicably involved pouring water out of a pink cup onto your leg in the bathtub and a game with dolls where we laid them all on the table and each took turns picking our 'team' of babies, putting them back and doing that over and over again. I love listening to your running commentary of what you're drawing, coloring, or playing. Your voice is the sweetest. Lately you also have been singing a lot. Your songs are right on trend as you perfect the art of the mash-up. A recent was "one little two little three little monkeys jumping on the bed. one fell off and jump up and down sit right back down little monkey." You like going to gymnastics and that we "get a special drink" (sonic slush) on the way home on some weeks.  You love Jasper and Madeline and have become so incredibly helpful and gentle with them. They both even seem to be starting to really love you.

Tonight we made half-birthday Halloween cookies. You thought this was the best idea ever and all of your play tonight centered on half birthdays and parties. You also kept saying "we don't make cake because we are out of eggs" and you were right. :)

Letter to Smudge: Three Years

Sweet girl, tonight I felt so sad starting to write your letter. It's bittersweet to watch as you grow into this amazing and funny little girl and leave behind more of your baby qualities. We hear that age three can be tough but I am hopeful that, as in all stages before, the good far outweighs the bad. I can see why it would be a struggle. Already, I can tell that you sometimes grapple with if you want to be big or little ("Mommy, I so big. I not big. I little." is a regular phrase uttered at home these days). I am there with you, babe. I love the strides that you've made now that you're fully potty trained, are communicating more, and are gaining independence. I catch myself occasionally thinking "man, it will be so nice when she can get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom on her own" or "I can't wait until she can buckle her own safety belt and wash her own hair". But those things are so small and make up such a teeny part of our day. With those gains will come inevitable losses, too--like words you no longer cutely mispronounce, adorable toddler grammar, and kisses that are just a smidge too sloppy.

I am pretty sure I am going to cry every year on your birthday. You may figure this out one day. Don't judge me for it if you catch it happening.

So, favorite things. My favorite thing is sleepy hugs where you rub your hand on my shoulder. Daddy's favorite thing is listening to you become more verbal. We both think you are so funny. Your latest phrases that make us smile are "I no know" complete with hand gestures, "Where's that coming from?" about anything you see that you haven't seen before (you favor this phrase over 'what's that, mommy?'), and "I got lots of stuff" (you often say this when looking at a pile of things you have pushed into a tower or when you are carrying too many things at once). Your favorite things are search and find books, puzzles, running, slides, being outside, and octonauts. You remain inquisitive and genuinely curious. You are incredibly kind and gentle (at least from what we see at home) and truly love to help. You're smart though you tend to give up a tad too quickly when things get difficult. We are working on not jumping in to rescue you and solve things for you. I know you come by this trait honestly. You're still 100% a momma's girl and I am 100% okay with that. I think your daddy feels left out by this sometimes so he is happy that you seem to be enjoying spending time with him more and more each day. You remain completely adorable. I know that we are biased. But, objectively you are really cute, too. You are becoming slightly more graceful though your legs are still beat up from frequent tumbles and rough housing. In addition to having "lots of stuff", you also know lots of stuff. You do a pretty decent job going through/singing the alphabet, counting (to around 15, somewhat inconsistently), and knowing all your basic shapes and colors. You are also becoming much more conversational and are quite the story teller. Your memory continues to amaze me. I am excited that we are at the stage that a few of your memories are more likely to solidify and remain with you as you get older. I hope you always remember how loved you are on this day.

For the last month you have been telling anyone who would listen that you are "3 on my birthday. In April. Coming soon." It definitely came quickly.

Happy half-birthday to A

Dear sweet girl,

You are two and a half years old already. You are right in the middle of toddlerhood; there's no question about that. But you're also just an amazing little person.

I laugh every day at the funny things you say and do. You're also clearly a little ham, often saying "I'm so funny" (I know what you must hear a lot!). You talk all the time, keeping a running commentary on what you're doing or thinking. You are starting to get to an age where I can ask you questions and you can occasionally provide a reasonable answer. Your memory is amazing to me. I just can't believe the things that you remember and talk about.

You are doing really, really well at school. You are such a little helper. Not surprisingly, you love to follow rules and make sure others are doing the same. Your best friend is Hayden but you also love Saum and Luke. One day recently you excitedly burst out that "Josie was a tiger in the tunnel!" I have absolutely no idea what that means but it made you happy and that made me smile. You talk a lot about tigers these days. Sometimes you say that you're a scary tiger and you chase me around the house roaring.

Amidst all of your playing, you seem to be learning a lot, too. You know your basic colors and shapes, parts of the body, and animal sounds. You can count to eleven (though you reliably skip four and six) and like to 'sing along' with the ABCs. You can recognize the letters A, I, and E but think most everything else is a D (though recently you've been saying "tuh" for T so I think you're getting that one down as well). You now can tell people your mommy and daddy's names as well as your first and middle name. In the car, you often tell me to go and when I don't you say "Have to wait for cars, mommy" and more recently "red means stop." I don't think you know what either of those things mean since you're still rear facing but I must have said them enough that you recognize the pattern.

You love to run and will say "I running fast, mommy!" You went through a phase where you loved doing somersaults, too. They made us a little nervous since they sort of looked like you might break your neck at any moment.

Emotionally, things seem to have stabilized a bit. While there are still days that I lose my patience, you're in a good place right now. I hear that three is a tough year (threenagers) so we will just have to navigate that together. You still get upset when you don't get your way. It's hard to watch your face fall and to hear you say "mommy/daddy hurt me".

I don't want to talk about how well you sleep through the night but I will say that you've mostly given up naps on the weekend. We instituted an hour of 'quiet time' where you stay in your crib and look at books or play with your farm animals or cookie/cupcake baking sets. Sometimes you also will do that in the mornings, which is nice. You still love playing with your dolls, your kitchen set, all toy cars, and your "aminals." You really love going down slides. Lately you've enjoyed baking as well, which has helped a bit with your fear of the mixer (though you still note it's too loud, mommy. hurts ears).

You are still a little slow to warm up in new situations and with new people but now you sometimes surprise me by talking to strangers.

The biggest difference these days is that you just don't eat. You would eat junk food all day if we let you. Of course we don't, but sometimes I am tempted. Occasionally you will eat pasta (you would eat mac and cheese most any day, I believe but of course we can't do that either), you'll eat green beans, and sometimes you'll have cheese, cereal, raisins, fruit, or pancakes. We are sort of at a loss. We know that this is developmentally normal but at some point, I feel like you are going to have to start eating something other than fruit snacks. You're still so teeny tiny. I weighed you today and you're still at 24.5 pounds. While you can wear a few things that are 3t, you also can wear some skirts that are 18 months. That makes changing clothes for seasons a little trickier (so does weather that fluctuates from 50 to 90 to 60 in a week, though). You've been wearing the same shoe size for what feels like forever.

Your favorite song is Old MacDonald ("moo song, mommy"). Whenever we do anything you like (your new discovery of piggy back rides, funny sounds, etc.), you say "one more time" over and over again (I don't think you quite know what that means yet!).

Daddy says his favorite things are your sense of humor and that you are so happy. He also loves your long, curly hair and that you're just so pretty.

In looking back at old letters, the most noticeable and consistent qualities are your curiosity/inquisitiveness, your hugs, and that you love to laugh. It seems that these things are your constant. I hope we can rely on that to stay the same as you get older.

Today you were super excited about having a half-birthday cake. I think this means this should be a new tradition.

Letter to Smudge: 2 years

Dear sweet baby A,

How are you already two? As I've said before, time doesn't feel like it's moving that fast but it seems impossible that you are now 2 years old. A friend described it well--It's a lot of "how will I get through this?" And "where did the time go?" And not much in between. 

You are such a fun, inquisitive little girl. People are drawn to your smile and your giggles. And of course everyone thinks you are so adorable. 

Hugs are your favorite--at the grocery store you love to lean over the cart and give me a hug. It's one of the cutest things in the world. You are the cuddliest and sweetest little girl. It's so pure and means so much that you just bubble over with love that you have to give hugs right now. We love it. 

You love school and your teachers, especially Miss Ashley, Miss Amy, Miss Holly, and Miss Heather. You talk about them all the time. It's hard to believe that you're the oldest in your class. I still remember your very first day with the one year olds (you got sick that night and missed the next day). Miss Ashley and Miss Amy comment on how helpful you are with the new little seedlings. You also like to help clean up from lunch and snack. Next month you'll transition to the next age group and be with friends who've already moved up. I'm sure we will love your new teachers but we will miss this group of wonderful girls. And I know they will miss you, too. 

Your inquisitiveness is so fun. You want to know the name of everything and you try to repeat it back. You are talking a bit more each day; still slowly adding words. 

You love going new places and seeing new things. From afar, you love to say hi and bye-bye to new people. However, if they get too close, you are hesitant and a bit shy. You are pretty cautious and are still going through a fearful stage that we are trying to support but not reinforce. 

We still rock you to sleep at night. I'm just having such a hard time giving that up. You seem okay with that. 

Your favorite foods are bananas, avocado, berries, cheese, grapes and apples (you think pears and cherry tomatoes are called apples, too). You will occasionally eat chicken nuggets and fish sticks, too. You also like peanut butter, pizza, macaroni & cheese, and Bernie-os. But you would be happiest if you could just eat fruit snacks and ice cream (though let's be honest, who wouldn't be?). 

Your favorite book is haiku, baby. You love playing with your baby dolls, your kitchen, and play animals. You've gotten more interested in television and more recently we've started letting you watch a bit at night. You want to watch "sno!!" (Frozen) every day. You also like an Olivia the Pig ("peeg") DVD that aunt Kris let us borrow. 

Tomorrow is your birthday party. I chose to do farm animals because you get so excited whenever you see cows, pigs, sheep, roosters, and ducks. I can't wait for you to see what we have planned. I think you will have fun. 

I'm anxious about what the next year will bring as you continue to assert your independence and develop your personality. I hope that we can navigate the next two years gracefully. I hate the idea of "terrible twos" and "threenagers" but we already see the signs. We will just keep doing our best and try to respect your development. And hopefully you stay cuddly so that we have glimpses of love each day.