I've been thinking about it a lot but it became particularly clear last week as I was gearing up for my trip to Michigan. On Wednesday, I developed extreme anxiety. In general, I am not a terribly anxious person. I jokingly say I'm neurotic but it's mostly high self-consciousness (a separate facet from traits like anxiety or depressiveness--my personality background is showing). But Wednesday I became almost paralyzed with anxiety. Since having Alaina, I have noticed some obsessive compulsive type symptoms--when I put her to sleep for a nap or a night, if I say "I'm putting the baby to sleep" or "I'm putting the baby down," I feel like I must clarify "for a nap" or "for the night" because otherwise, it sounds too much like putting an animal to sleep. It's a weird compulsive thinking process. But it turns out, those symptoms can be pretty common. Even post-partum OCD is not completely uncommon (I do not think I have OCD or even post-partum OCD, but this is definitely not typical behavior for me). However, last week, it was taken to a new extreme. I became completely convinced that I was going to die. This lasted for about a day and it was an obsessive thought that would not leave. I even had 'flashes' of Chad having to care for Alaina alone, Chad finding some piece of clothing or hair barrette of mine and getting upset, Alaina being raised without a mom, her getting married and wishing that her mom could be there, etc. It was extremely intense. And I couldn't tell anyone. I felt like telling someone would make it more real and therefore, make it happen. It was to the point that I questioned whether I could even go on this trip. As a psychologist, I know more than any one person should about deep breathing, relaxation training, cognitive restructuring, and mindfulness. None of it was useful. Not one bit. What did help was two things--1) hearing from friends and family that they would be thinking of us while I was gone and praying for me and for Chad and Alaina, and 2) trying to hold on to some piece of the future. A symptom of a panic attack is this thought of death or a shortened future. Because I kept thinking all these awful thoughts, I was really struggling to imagine the future. I was finally able to grasp on to two images, on the way to Michigan, I could imagine certain parts of the conference--specifically a dinner that I was going to on Saturday night. I couldn't imagine past Saturday until I actually got to Michigan. Then I was able to imagine coming home on Sunday. I imagined coming in the door and Chad holding Alaina (she was wearing her cupcake sleeper) and kicking her legs in excitement to see me. Now clearly that is not what happened (I never would have imagined Chad would be vomiting shortly after I arrived home!), but it got me through. I was also able to imagine telling my friends on Monday how silly (but completely compelling!) these thoughts were.
So imagine my surprise to find out that many of my colleagues who are parents have had these same experiences! Mine was more extreme than most but it was slightly less unheard of than I expected. No one tells you this. It wasn't in a single book I read and I've never seen it on TV. So there is secret #1. You will become a basketcase. You may already be a basketcase, in which case, I imagine it just gets worse.
But this led me to think about lots of other secrets that I've uncovered along the way (sort of like discovering "impostor syndrome" in graduate school!!). Here are a few of them, in less detail. Of course these are all just based on my experience but they are experiences that I've found on blogs and websites/Facebook posts that suggest they are not unique to me.
- If you experience the loss(es) of a pregnancy or a baby (October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss day so this seems especially poignant), you will never get back the naive excitement of having a child. Things becomes bittersweet. "Relaxing" doesn't really happen until the baby begins to move and even then, it can be hard to feel connected.
- The first few weeks of having a newborn are insane. I didn't even feel like a human being again until Alaina was six weeks old and I still don't feel normal. There are definite moments of "what have we done" which are followed by extreme guilt. It's all normal. I still haven't figured out how to take a shower if Chad is at work and the baby is at home. I either wait until he comes home or wait until the baby is at daycare. Those moms that have clean houses, are put together, and take their kid out when they're under a year old? Yea, I totally don't get it.
- Those first few weeks are also (at least for me) filled with fears that you never imagined. Fears like accidentally bashing your child's head into a door frame, tripping and falling and crushing your baby, etc. You also may hear your child crying when they are completely asleep in another room.
- Nursing is hard. It's really important to know this. It's interesting because some breastfeeding classes refuse to say this--they don't want to talk about things like blocked ducts, mastitis, D-MER, thrush, hormonal changes, supply problems, etc. because they are afraid it will turn people off breastfeeding. Instead what it does is alienate people into thinking that it's going to be easy and natural and they have failed if that is not their experience. And if you aren't able to exclusively breastfeed, there is often a lot of judgment or perceived judgment about your decision about what is best for your baby and family [Many of those judgmental people have not read the independent studies themselves and just tout a "breast is best...at all costs" mantra and that is not helpful for anyone--it's detrimental for true breastfeeding advocates and it's completely awful for moms who wanted to breastfeed and couldn't. Don't be that person.] I add in perceived judgment because you may also experience feeling judged for bottle feeding in public when in fact, no one is even paying attention [The same is true for nursing in public.]
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