Wheelhouses

I talked to Chad and Alaina earlier tonight. She was so cute when she figured out I was on the other end of the phone. She blew me kisses and kept saying "mama" over and over again. 

My wheelhouse has definitely changed. I'm at a conference in Oakland right now and it just makes me realize that this is not what I'm very good at currently. I am not saying that I was ever the stellar superstar researcher/networker (I wasn't) but at one point I could at least form coherent sentences. It's weird that I feel like I'm more knowledgeable on things like car seat safety, breastfeeding, and RIE parenting than my own research area (I do know a lot about baby stuff...seriously). I keep thinking it's going to get better but it hasn't so far. I make a lot of excuses for myself (I'm tired/sleep deprived/it's hard being a woman in academia) but I'm also fully aware that I have a number of amazing colleagues who are working moms who do great and bounce back a lot faster than I have. They give talks and network and it seems effortless. Somehow I became even more socially awkward and unsure of myself in the last few years. It's silly. But yet, there it is. I went back and forth about posting this tonight but I truly like for this blog to be snapshots of real life, be that good or bad. I may eventually take it down. But for now, I thought it was important to say. I think some of it is just the conference itself. On a day to day basis, I feel pretty good. My lab is really productive, my classes go well, and I enjoy my friends and colleagues. And Alaina is doing great and I know I'm a good mom. But when I come to these events and am surrounded by folks who have so much knowledge and insight (and have found the time to read and write!), they remind me of all the things I feel like I *should* be able to do, I easily forget the things that are going okay. There is definitely competing thoughts about needing to be kinder to myself and also really needing to push myself to do better. Both are true. 

Anyhow. Here's a photo the night before I left. I think Alaina was trying to convince me I could fit her in my carryon luggage. 

And a picture from the bay. The weather has been really amazing.