Before Smudge

I don't often talk about our story. I know that part of it is because it's ours. It's intensely personal and private. But it also doesn't seem like that much of a story.

It's pretty hard for me to remember what life was like before A. But today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day and so I am pushed to stop and really think about things.  I've mentioned briefly on the blog and most of our friends and family know that there were two pregnancies before A. Two previous moments of excitement about pink lines and baby dreams. A whole lot of innocence and naivete lost when we got bad news. Almost ten months of pregnant worries that, at any moment, the bottom might fall out again.

On a day to day basis, I don't think of these things but tonight--as I was rocking A to sleep--I had a rush of memories that had been hidden away in the recesses of my mind. I thought about the time that I just walked into the laundry room and burst into tears. I thought about how my optimistic, sunny personality became a bit jaded and dark. I remember people saying I would look back on that time and feel like it was a lifetime ago. And it does. Mostly I just feel really lucky. We are so blessed to have a healthy little girl. And if either of the previous pregnancies had worked out, we never would have met A. To this day, though, I still do not understand why it happened but I've come to terms with it.

Again, I don't say that "it doesn't seem like that much of a story" to downplay or invalidate our losses. I was devastated and feel like they truly changed me physically and emotionally. But just within my network of friends and family, I have seen so much unimaginable loss that makes this seem so small in comparison. And tonight I'm remembering those babies as well. My friends with early and second trimester losses. My colleague who had her baby too early. The childhood friend whose son died of SIDS. And my friend who lost her sweet daughter at 20 months. And those who still have not brought a baby home. My heart is heavy tonight as I remember.