Big emotions

Since beginning this whole parenting gig, I've had a number of instances where my personal experience interestingly coincides with my professional knowledge (e.g., parental flexibility and shifts in the Wisconsin card sort task, spotting behavioral activation in Doc McStuffins and experiential avoidance in Frozen, attempts at exposure for A's fears, discussions of the research showing no relationship between vaccines and autism). The ones most salient these days are emotion dysregulation and invalidation. This blog post isn't meant to be disrespectful or invalidating of emotions experienced by toddlers or individuals with mental health issues. It's just connecting thoughts that I have had recently.

One of my clinical and research interests is borderline personality disorder. The core of BPD (some argue) is emotion dysregulation. Difficulties regulating emotions can impact our thoughts, interpersonal relationships, work, etc. So teaching emotion regulation skills (& supporting and validating those difficult emotions) early is important. 

Toddlers have adult-sized emotions but haven't yet gained the skills or understanding we have of experiencing and regulating them (and I'll be honest, sometimes it's hard for me to regulate my own adult-sized emotions!). So when something upsets them (even things that don't make sense or are unknown to us), it is so important to remember that those feelings are valid and need to be expressed. 

This has hit me particularly hard the last few days. After we get home from school, A has been melting down almost immediately. Things that seem tiny or unreasonable to me and Chad (like needing to wash her hands before she eats her snack) sets off a flood of tears. Last night we were in the backyard with her car and she wanted to come inside to eat. Only, once she realized we were inside, she wanted to be back outside. This led to a very long "tantrum" where she was holding onto the doorknob and was screaming enough that I was only slightly worried that CPS might be called. Clearly, she wanted to get her way (which frankly I'm not even sure she knew what that was), but also she was dealing with emotions much bigger than her disappointment that we were inside for the evening. She is still struggling to adjust to Chad's new schedule (which is also impacting her bedtime, leaving her open to more intense emotional reactions) and, as much as I love her school and her teachers, that is also stressful. Having to play (or work) with other people in your space all day, having no choice in lunch or snack, etc. would wear on anyone. So once she is home, the guard is down and the flood gates open. Having this realization (thank you psychology background + being told about great RIE blogs), helps a lot when I find myself getting frustrated. It helps me remember her behavior in context and not jump to "she is crying for no reason", "she is trying to manipulate," etc. Of course, I may have to remind myself of these statements 45 times in one hour. If I have been eating, sleeping, and taking care of myself, that helps me to be more understanding, too. Otherwise, thoughts of wanting to bang my head up against a wall or desk creep in (now who's the one with difficulty regulating emotions??)!