How did we get here? Twelve

Our sweet baby girl,

Eleven was a year packed full of growth and change! During the past year, we took a few trips, you got braces, and you started middle school. You continue to be at the lower tail of the height distribution but you did grow almost two inches this year and went up a couple of sizes in shoes (you’re now in a size 3 or 4!). I don’t mind one bit that you lean toward the younger end of development.

Over the summer, I had some trepidation about you entering middle school but you have absolutely thrived in this new environment. Frequently changing classrooms, teachers, and classmates helps keep your attention and reduces boredom. Most of your teachers seem to really “get” you and understand your needs and it has made such a difference in your attitude toward school. While you’re still not jumping out of bed with a spring in your step in the mornings, you are eager to go to school everyday and are sad when you’re out for various breaks and professional days. Your favorite classes have been art, creative writing, and math but you’ve done incredibly well across all subjects. My heart is so happy that your love of learning has returned. The first few months of school we meticulously checked your Google classroom and backpack for homework or studying but you never brought anything home. Whenever I ask “don’t you have science homework” you let me know “no, I did that in math class” or “I finished my math in world studies”. It drove me crazy at first but you’ve been doing fine so I am just going with it this year. Next year you’ll have more advanced classes in ELA and pre-algebra so we likely will need to set shift again. Band has been the biggest roller coaster this year, making me actually try to talk you out of staying past the first semester. I was impressed with how quickly you picked up the clarinet but it also has caused so much stress due to continued struggles with perfectionism and unhelpful thoughts. You’ve opted to continue into next year so we will just see how it goes. 

Those perfectionistic black and white thoughts continued in softball this year too, to the point I actually didn’t expect you to play again this spring but you were enthusiastic about one of your favorite people coaching a 12U team. You continue to love practicing but spiral at errors. I want you to continue playing for as long as you like it and we’ve been working hard to watch others’ mistakes to show it’s impossible not to mess up sometimes. You also are very sensitive to conversations about middle schoolers. You’ve had some unfortunate experiences where substitute teachers have noted that “this is the worst generation of sixth graders” they’ve seen and you really carried that with you for weeks, fretting that yours is the generation that ruins the world. We had many long talks about middle school always being a tough transition and the ways that this age is also amazing and awesome. 

You have a very tight knit group of a few friends and you seem friendly with several classmates, which helps with the “everyone is awful and we are going to ruin the world” fears. We recently let you add texting a few friends and your softball teammates (from your watch). Our house is not ready for the added stress of a phone, which is something you ask for regularly. We still struggle at home some with boredom and big emotions but even this has been getting better over the last couple of months. You’re also learning about living according to your values and making good choices. And I’m learning how to parent through this.

Overall, eleven was a great year. We had a lot to figure out with anxiety, attention, appetite, and asthma but I feel like you are in a pretty healthy place across the board now. I am incredibly thankful that we get to spend a lot of afternoons, evenings, and weekends hanging out. Although you do need your social/friend time, I am so happy you also still want a lot of family time. You still hug and cuddle and want bedtime snuggles. I will take this as long as you will allow it. You are witty and define yourself as funny, introverted, and kind and a diagnosis of ADHD really helped you understand how your brain works. You have become a good advocate for yourself and aren’t afraid to stand up for others. This makes us so proud. You have strong opinions and march to your own drum, despite what might be popular (ahem, you think Olivia Rodrigo is overrated; you’re tired of Taylor Swift being everywhere you look; you avoid wearing clothes with specific brands lest someone think you’re trying). You’ve been working hard on compromise and still have a ways to go.

You are incredible and I try to remind you daily of your value and worth as a human. We love you so very much. I hope twelve is just as amazing and that we can set you up for success as you teeter so close to the teen years.

Eleven: observed

 

After several years with virtual parties or no party, A decided she was ready to have a bigger celebration. It was a fun one to plan!

This party had face painting, making 3 types of slime, and henna tattoos. She had so much fun!

This year, instead of presents, A suggested people could bring donations for the local food bank. She is so so excited to have so much amazing stuff to drop off this week! She has such generous and sweet friends!

Eleven

Dearest sweet girl,

Wow, ten flew by so fast. Somehow, we have made it to the end of your elementary school years. While this year has had a lot of ups and downs, I am so thankful that you remain the same wonderful human we have loved for over a decade. You are kind and thoughtful, still can be silly, and are always looking for ways to make people laugh. Your hugs and cuddles are my favorite thing and I know how lucky I am that you still give both so freely.

It has not all been easy, of course. You can be grumbly, especially in the mornings. You also lose interest in things, can be quick to anger, and are sometimes difficult to drag out of the house.

This year, we decided to get an assessment to try to better understand some attention and concentration difficulties, big emotions, anxiety, and low boredom tolerance. While you’ve continued to do really well academically, it was incredibly helpful as we try to find ways to best support you as you transition to middle school.

This was a busy year with you playing softball for the last few seasons. You complain about games and competition and get so nervous but you absolutely love practice and have improved a lot in the last year. You even tried pitching in a game for the first time last week—which was so brave! We are still working on the negative things you tell yourself when you make mistakes or don’t do things perfectly. You also had a lot of fun with volleyball club, theater & drama club, running club, and gardening club. However, decompression time is also super important to you. You love to read and finally have gotten into the Wings of Fire series. You also really love writing and have several stories you regularly work on. My favorite is Shadow. You write faster than the graduate students in my lab, which is one reason we both love it when you can attend our writing meetings.

Many of your friends are sprouting up and hitting growth spurts but you’re in no rush to join them. You’re  still in size 1 shoes and are the smallest girl on your softball team, despite being the oldest. You have really come to terms with your height, though, and no longer get upset when people guess you are 2-3 years younger than your age. In fact, you rather seem to like it when people underestimate you and you prove them wrong. 

Although I don’t feel ready, you will be starting middle school this fall. You had so much fun on the tour and mostly seem to be excited to put fifth grade behind you. You are hoping to join band and get put in the electives of creative living, creative writing, art, and Spanish.

More and more, I’m just trying to stop and soak in these moments. I love who you are and who you are becoming. I know the next steps may be rocky but I’m doing what I can so we are prepared. We just want you to continue having what you need and feeling like you matter. You’re the best. 

Double digits

Dear sweet sweet girl,

Will I ever get through a birthday without shedding a tear? It’s seeming unlikely. I have been dreading 10 for so long. The idea of these double digits would  just knock the wind right out of me. However, today was somehow less upsetting than 5 so that’s progress. 

You remain such a cool little person. You have your own sense of style and fashion, your own creative pursuits, and your own way of thinking about things. You also continue to be incredibly kind and thoughtful. You are truly always thinking of ways to make people feel special and loved. From writing encouraging notes to picking up special treats to hand making a different craft to gift to each of your teachers, I’m consistently blown away by you. As you get older and a little more snarkiness (& a whole lot of sass) sneaks in, I keep worrying you’re going to lose this part of you. Fortunately, I have had nothing to worry about yet.

After having to take 2 years off of extracurricular activities because of COVID, you were thrilled to jump back in to these. You joined a school volleyball club and the running club and are playing your first sport in 7 years—softball. Not being great at things has always been a challenge for you and sports are no different—you want to just be good at things naturally so having to work frustrates you. That said, I’ve been really impressed with your tenaciousness. More importantly, you are an amazing cheerleader for your teammates.

Being back at school for the last year has been amazing. You have a phenomenal teacher and are doing really well. You continue to struggle with any sort of standardized or computer test while doing all of your work with ease. Because your test scores indicated some difficulties with math last semester, we had you work with a tutor. The tutor was flummoxed because you were able to do all the things testing said you struggled with, often with little to no instruction. However, you loved the fun math games and “getting to help a college student with their project” so you didn’t mind tutoring too much. Your math grades are all strong so we never have figured out this disconnect. You continue to have a strong preference for graphic novels, though you will occasionally read Harry Potter as well. You really loved working on your social studies project over the last few months, learning all about the state of Michigan and your chosen representative, Lizzo.

 

You continue to enjoy art, recently picking up (but just as suddenly dropping)/teaching yourself to crochet. You also love cooking, baking, and cake decorating. You love trying new foods, recently deciding that you love cabbage and like onions. You’re excited about all the things we will be growing in the garden this year and you have a lot of interest in various plants. 

You have had a lot of emotional ups and downs and have grown a lot in your ability to recognize your own anxiety and ability to cope with worry. You do still struggle with bouts of loneliness and sadness but these are often relatively short lived and are impacted more by external cues (you really hate sunny weekend days!) and internal experiences like hunger and fatigue. You complain that boredom is physically painful and often leads to worry thought spirals, which is why you are constantly on the go and never stop doing.  While you are the first to acknowledge your anxiety (your emotional awareness is off the charts!), you also have these streaks of fearlessness that I love seeing. 

You continue to be a funny, witty kid, though some of your retorts have sharpened significantly over the last year. We are still working to rein that in. I feel so lucky that you remain a cuddly, hugging kid. I’m so fearful these days are numbered but for now, I soak in every cuddle, held hand, grabbed arm, and squishy hug you have to offer. We still have lots of time together and though that can get tiring for both of us, it’s also a lot of fun. 

This past 6 months also provided you with an opportunity to get your COVID vaccine, which you handled incredibly well. We feel so fortunate to have remained healthy this past few years. We are glad to be in a new normal that includes more social time and small gatherings. We are hoping to add travel to this soon. Your asthma remains mostly stable though you have had more frequent flare ups in the last month or so. Local brush fires, dust blowing in big wind gusts, and seasonal allergies are likely to blame but we also are carefully monitoring the impact of physical activity on your symptoms as well as you noted one breathing concern during a softball practice and a few during school activities. Overall, though, we are incredibly grateful you’re doing so well. We love you so much. 

I’m trying hard not to look too far ahead for what is to come with year ten and beyond. I’m not ready for things like fifth grade graduation or middle school tours. But when the time arises, I’m confident that you’ll be ready with a big smile, dragging me along into the next phase. Much like you did hitting ten. 

Nine and a half

Tonight I am filled with tears and bittersweet gratitude as you hit the next half-year milestone. I made the realization that you are now moving closer to double digits and “rounding up” to 10. I don’t like that. Not one bit. 

This last six month period has been a whirlwind. In this time, you reacclimated to school in person; you tried summer school; you went to a few in person summer camps that were enforcing COVID precautions. We also moved to a new house and sold the only home you ever knew. You were so excited to look at new houses but then you cried and raged for days when we actually decided to move. You even asked if you could just stay in the old house. Fortunately, you now love your new room, your awesome loft playroom/library/music/art room, our backyard, and the cool cul de sac (and although you were a little late to it, you finally took off on bike riding because of this great location!). 

You are so happy to be back in school and we once again feel like we won the lottery with your amazing fourth grade teacher. She is exactly what you needed to rebuild your confidence and love of learning after such a rough year. We have received several good reports from her on how incredibly kind you are and that you are an encourager of all students. That just makes me so proud and happy. You also do a good job standing up for yourself and standing up for others, which is also so valuable. She also noted that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and said she was the same way at your age. 

Academically, you seem like you’re doing well in your classes/grades. We still have some concerns related to your math testing but your teacher said you’re understanding all of the concepts that have been introduced. We started with a math tutor just in case, though, given the research on girls and math confidence at your age. Hopefully you’ll be able to work these things out as well. 

Your interests continue to be reading (graphic novels only), playing animal crossing, drawing, and playing. You also have been loving cooking and baking and really want to learn how to decorate cakes. This has been a lot of fun. 

Health wise, your asthma is still pretty well controlled on the higher medication. We are anxiously awaiting approval for children to get the COVID vaccine to breathe another sigh of relief (your dad and I were thrilled to get our boosters alongside our flu shot this year). We are keeping an eye on you now because you’ve been reporting infrequent bouts of dizziness that we haven’t found medical cause for yet. I’m sure I’ll report back here in December following your neuro appointment. Fortunately, they don’t happen often and you’re pretty unimpaired by them but it’s still unnerving. 

This year has been a tough one because you are developing some of that tween attitude and you’re not always the little cheerful helper of years past. It’s a new stage of parenting and we are back to a bit of winging it, hoping that we are supporting your independence while also trying to raise you to be a helpful and kind member of society. It seems like they see that at school, even if it isn’t always visible at home. Although it’s hard to see you getting older, you remain such a cool little person that I don’t think about the sadness on a daily basis. You are so funny and witty and continue to pick up on so much social nuance that even adults miss. You want to fight for the rights of others. You have a million questions (most of which you want to ask at bedtime) and you can’t stand being left out of any conversation or decision. You have funny dreams and you relish telling us about them. You love your dogs like nothing else—sometimes crying that they will one day die. Although Norabelle has always been your favorite, you’ve recently decided that Baxter is your very best friend. You love to cuddle with him and I’m so lucky that you’re still cuddly and affectionate with mom, too. 

Friends are still sometimes an issue as more relational aggression is starting at this age. You were incredibly devastated that your best friend E move to Oregon this summer. However, you were very happy that you were placed in class with another good friend and you seem to like your classmates. You were having a tough time with one child last spring and were happy they weren’t placed in your class. You really do relish watching (but not participating in) what you call “middle school drama”. You also love recounting it on the drive home. I’m trying not to reinforce this funny passion while at the same time I’m holding close to my heart the fact that you enjoy sharing this with me. I know the tween and teen years will be tough but man, I don’t want to lose this.  Although mornings (& some afternoons!) can be stormy lately, you do revert back to the happy ray of sunshine after given a bit of space and a snack. You have a lot of energy but appreciate a lazy day. You can be reserved but you love fiercely. I’m impressed and proud how much you’re willing to put yourself out there and how you stand your ground. All of these things make you an amazing kid and will one day translate into an amazing adult. 

I’m just not ready for it to be happening so fast. 

And then, you were 9

As consistently happens as I sit down to write these letters to you, I am overcome with such overwhelming emotion that time--which otherwise creeps so slowly--is moving too fast as you continue to grow. Nine.

NINE.

We have only one year left in the single digits.

That feels monumental.

It feels impossible. 

How? You truly were just four years old. It feels like literally only moments ago that we were dropping you off at daycare. And now you are this big third grader. You have your first round of state tests next week. It cannot be so. Yet, here it is.

This past year has been full of challenges and, although it has been incredibly tough for you, you are so resilient. Your dad and I are so amazed by and proud of you. We are fortunate that you can be a bit of a homebody and that you can entertain yourself. I cannot imagine spending the last year with anyone else. We are all, also, exhausted.  

Favorite characteristics are that you are funny and clever and so creative. You love to cast plays and write (you sometimes work on your "second novel"). You love comedies and have cultivated a love for cheesy romantic holiday movies, which really made me laugh this past December. You spent the last year watching several 1990s sitcoms like Family Matters, Full House, and Sister Sister, which was a lot of fun for me. You are unbelievably witty and just a touch judgy. We will continue to work on that. 

I absolutely love hearing the way you think about things. You are always pondering and have hundreds of questions. We have always tried to teach you about inclusion but over the last year, you have become extremely passionate about social justice and equity. Recently, you indicated that when you grow up, you wanted to help people so that things will be fair for them (you added you wanted to find a way to do that which wouldn't be dangerous and get you killed, which was a sobering and heartbreaking statement to hear from an 8 year old). Your energy is currently focused on learning American Sign Language and learning about Deaf culture. You now finger spell faster than I can keep up with you and you have far surpassed my very limited knowledge of signs. Throughout the year, you have been very interested in learning about civil rights, Black Lives Matter, Indigenous land, appropriation, and kid activism. You are clearly a sponge and are far more fearless and less self-conscious about your beliefs and actions than I have ever been.    

School was super tough for this house over the past year. In order to keep all three of us safe, reduce the census for teachers and kids who needed to be in school, and to maintain some sense of consistency in our schedule, we made the difficult choice to enroll you in virtual school through our district. As incredible as the teachers were, this was just not the same. While there was a lot of good in our time spent together, as a year of school, it was pretty terrible. Your love of learning took a massive hit. We try not to put much stock in testing but we saw most of your scores stagnate or plummet over the last year. Your self-confidence in math plummeted and your attention span drastically decreased. While you continued to love to read and do science experiments, school through the Edgenuity platform was a fight at least two or three times per week, often resulting in slammed doors and heated arguments. You regularly said that you were learning nothing. I think you might have been right about that. As a parent, this was so heartbreaking to watch and experience, especially for a such a bright sunshine kid who loved nothing more than school and her teachers. It was pretty shattering. After your dad and I (alongside many of your teachers and school staff) were vaccinated, we fortunately were able to enroll you back in person for the remaining 7 weeks of the semester. This has brought new challenges through readjusting to a schedule, acclimating to the stimulation of school, and you feeling anxiously behind in learning. Your old complaints about not having friends and not understanding how to join groups at recess have also resurfaced. However, we are hopeful that you are happier. We are thrilled with your new teacher and how much she seeks to connect with her students. We hope that this 7 weeks can reignite your passion for learning.

Spending the last year with you was really something. When you look back on this year of your life, I am really curious what you will remember. This year was certainly full of lost patience, tears, interruptions, and loneliness. I would love to say that I spent the last year savoring every moment of your life but there was just too much stress and work for that to be the case. But the last year was absolutely also full of thousands of hugs, fun projects, silly jokes, cuddles on the couch, and meaningful conversations. Being mindful of these moments is tough. I wish I could report that I have gotten better at this but it remains a work in progress. 

The best part of 8, without a doubt, is all of the many, many hugs you gave throughout the day, everyday. You still give the best hugs. You love nestling up together to read a book or watch a movie. I have felt like I grew an appendage because you were so often attached to me on the daily. That was pretty great. I am so grateful you are still cuddly and affectionate.

We are so thankful for you and the sparkle you bring to our lives and the lives around you. Your eyes truly sparkle with wonder. I hope you never lose that. We love you so much. Happy 9th birthday, my love, no matter how impossible it might seem.

Second pandemic party (happy 9th birthday, observed)

A year ago, I did not expect to host a second virtual birthday party for A. But here we are--making the best of it!

Over the past year, A has spent a lot of time playing Animal Crossing, which was a fabulous theme for a birthday. 

We made Animal Crossing "presents" to deliver these adorable cupcakes to a few local friends.

We wrapped up an Animal Crossing themed Bingo card with leaf confetti for a cute activity.

 

We also hosted a scavenger hunt and the kids worked together on an adorable, online jigsaw puzzle.

And of course, it wouldn't be her birthday without a fun themed chalkboard and t-shirt!

Once again, this wasn't the kind of celebration we would have chosen, but we are grateful to have celebrated another year of this amazing and resilient sweet girl.