Hope & optimism

My dear friend does research on factors that protect people from suicide utilizing positive psychology constructs. Some of her recent work looks at hope and optimism as protective factors. I will admit that I had never really thought about these as two distinct (though related) constructs and I sometimes still struggle to know when to use each one correctly. I know this seems like a bit of a diversion from my typical blog post; I guess I was just thinking about my thoughts (metacognition is my favorite) on A's health today. We've had a lot of time to consider it over the past few weeks (/months/year). I should note, of course, that while what we've been experiencing has been stressful (especially in combination with the last few months of both of our lives professionally), we know how fortunate we are to have a reasonably healthy little girl. Of course we are always so very grateful for that.

So last week A had a fairly short-lived stomach virus. She was fever-free by Saturday afternoon but on Monday her return to school also included a return of her fever. Throughout the week she maintained about a 100-degree fever. We took her to the doctor (not her regular pediatrician) on Wednesday because her cough had worsened significantly, her congestion and runny nose were terrible, her ear was draining and on and on. Her teacher and a friend in her class had recently been diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection so, even though we had a pediatric pulmonology appointment scheduled for today, we thought it best to take her in. I won't say this was a wasted trip entirely but we certainly didn't get many answers. The physician suggested that her left ear seemed infected and she could not see the tube. Her right ear tube also could not be seen but she noted that there was a white ball that she could not decipher. She suggested it might be an odd ball of wax, a foreign object, or a cholesteatoma. So, we are going to the ENT this upcoming Tuesday morning. How lucky--3 physician visits in 7 days. I will admit that by Wednesday night I was feeling neither hopeful nor optimistic about my life or my career (after rushing to teach directly after the doctor's appointment, I got a call from Chad that I needed to come home because he had come down with the stomach virus! seriously! this is our life right now). The doctor didn't really have an answer for the cough worsening but thought it could be "her usual junk" (that seriously was a quote) or a cold. She also had lost a pound since December. This isn't necessarily cause for concern; it's just worth noting. We were given a 3-day course of antibiotics (mostly for the EI). Unfortunately, nothing has really changed since then in terms of her symptoms.

This morning we had her pulmonology appointment. This trip started (and ended) like most trips to Tulsa--not being able to get off the exit we needed to due to construction and then being completely turned around. Fortunately, the doctor's office was extremely helpful and seemed understanding of our (& our GPS!) apparent incompetence. I have to say--absolutely every person we interacted with at St. Francis/Tulsa Children's Hospital was absolutely amazing. After a pretty extensive clinical interview, Dr. Droemer indicated that he felt like A's case sounded like "classic asthma". Her lungs were fairly clear and her oxygen level was within normal limits but he thought that the continued problems breathing needed to be addressed further. His plan included increasing her daily dose of Zyrtec, replacing Qvar with Flovent, removing the Singulair since it hasn't seemed to help and has caused a lot of sleep disturbance in the last 5 weeks, and continuing the Albuterol as needed. We discussed the use of inhalers vs. nebulizers and he felt very confident that an inhaler (w/spacer) was appropriate for our current use and that we should not switch. He ordered a chest x-ray and also requested we get blood work to test for allergies. We discussed the possibility of false positives (the test might indicate that A could have/has the propensity for an allergy though she isn't actually allergic to it at this time) and I was glad to hear false negatives weren't really a concern. The blood work will test for the 15 most common food allergies and 15 most common environmental allergies. It isn't quite as accurate or extensive as the skin test but we agree that we would prefer to wait until she is significantly older to have that testing completed. I will say it again--he was absolutely fantastic. We are so happy to have interactions with such great medical professionals. We will be going back in 4 weeks (the day after my birthday!) and hopefully things will be going well.

She absolutely hated the chest x-ray last May so I was feeling a bit of trepidation about how she would do today. The radiology department was outstanding, though. They were so gentle and patient and explained what they were doing and validated that it was scary for her. She did cry but she pulled it together pretty quickly once she was finished (it was also so much faster than when we had the x-ray done last year). She wasn't completely won over by the sticker (Tinkerbell) but the bubbles with a princess ballerina on top made her smile once she calmed down.

Unfortunately we had to go from radiology down to the lab for blood work. While she greatly enjoyed the waiting room (complete with a Cozy Coupe, train table, tons of animals and toys), she knew what was up once we got into the lab room. They explained that they would first do a Lidocaine jet injection (J-tip) which "shouldn't hurt" but made a scary noise (it is aptly named!) to numb the area. Poor thing was pretty afraid even before the J-Tip but she really lost it when it made the pop/hiss sound. Unfortunately, once they inserted the needle, they discovered that the J-Tip had blown the vein. This meant re-prep which gave us a chance to pick her back up and try to console her but she really was too far gone. We felt awful laying her back on the table for them to try again on her other arm. They had some trouble getting blood at first (she may have my tiny, deep, rolling veins...) but fortunately it worked the second time. Chad and I both have been surprised at how well we do with vaccines. Neither of us has ever cried when she got a shot. However, it was all I could do to keep it together today. I am not sure I'll ever forget the look on her face. I made myself maintain eye contact with her as I tried to support her and explain what was happening. Sometimes being a parent is just so hard. I know most parents go through this at one time or another but man. It stinks. It also really made us think about those kids with severe illnesses who are having blood drawn frequently. My heart truly goes out to them and their parents.

The good news is that once we got in the car, she immediately fell asleep (even before we left the parking garage). We were able to go pick up aunt Amber (yay!) from the airport and get all turned around and lost on the way to the Irish restaurant where we had lunch (and our driving around allowed her to get a slightly longer nap so that was a perk of Tulsa construction confusion).

So, to follow back to the original thought/title of this blog--I have some hope that this new plan will work and am generally optimistic that things will get better. It definitely is a process though. When we were leaving the office we felt pretty good. Once getting home, though, we realized what we already truly knew--a different inhaler and more allergy medicine may not work. But we will try to remain optimistic. In the meantime, we are also making plans/thinking about what we would need in order to pull up our carpet and put down hardwood floor to decrease environmental allergens. I am guessing that will be awhile from now but fortunately we have a couple of people who have volunteered to help install it once we purchase it. Chad's allergies have been much worse since moving to Oklahoma (mine have stayed comparably yucky across multiple state lines) so he wonders if this is part of her issues (Stillwater is situated between OKC and Tulsa, two of the worst cities for allergies and asthma). Silly Oklahoma.

Oh, the wonder!

The Wondertorium has easily become our favorite place in Stillwater.

A was also quite pleased just to make it out of the house since she's been trapped inside since last Friday. 

The first time we visited, she was a little uncertain about the whole place. But today she walked in like she knew exactly where she was. 

Yes, her shirt says "Chance of Sprinkles." Too cute. 

Taking a tumble with the alligator pull toy. 

Such a silly face. 

Our absolute favorite part of the day was watching A "cook/prepare sushi" in the Kameoka Kids section. I knew that A was developing an imagination and that she liked to mimic our activities but watching her in action completely floored all of us. It was also a nice reminder of the joy in simply observing uninterrupted, independent play. If MasterChef Junior develops a toddler edition, I think we've found our audition tape.

A had such a fun afternoon (oh, and I neglected to mention that she was up for 3.5 hours last night...) that she couldn't even make it to our late lunch. Either that or she knew it was a futile attempt because the first three restaurants we tried to go to we're *closed.* Oh, Stillwater. 

Sleep while the baby is sleeping

I've noted previously that one of the most common pieces of advice new parents are given is to "sleep while the baby is sleeping." It's great advice if you're willing to quit all other aspects of your life (i.e., eating, showering, going to the bathroom, cleaning, laundry). The interesting thing that is left unstated is the part that the adage is not saying is...you won't sleep when the baby is awake. Pretty much ever. And ugly parenting secret #87 is this, babies don't sleep when we most want/need them to. Just plan for that. It's more reliable than Newton's law of gravity.

So yea, Sunday night was about as bad as we could have imagined. I reminded myself frequently "yes, it could be worse. The three of us could have a stomach virus. Someone could drive a car through our front window. A meteor could hit our house. We could be experiencing a quakenado (apparently only a thing in Oklahoma?)" but yea...it was pretty terrible, at least sleep-wise. I put Alaina to sleep around 8 pm and she woke up at 10. Chad went to feed her and she was absolutely shivering from head to toe. Earlier in the day, she had been playing and acting normally, but she felt a little warm and was running a fever of about 100. We chalked it up to teething or ear issues. It may have been a virus though because her fever did shoot up to 102. She wouldn't eat or take Tylenol. She kept falling back asleep while being rocked but couldn't be put in her crib. This dance of rock, walk, lay down, wake up screaming, rock, walk, etc. lasted until 1 am when Chad took her. He let her play for about half an hour and she did fairly well. However, when he tried to put her back to sleep, she got very upset. I was able to get her to sleep off and on but had to be continually walking and rocking her. Of course, she wasn't allowed to have any food or liquid after midnight because of the procedure, which made things considerably more difficult. I stayed up with her until 3:30 but just couldn't do it anymore so Chad took her and of course (!!), she went right back to sleep when he put her in the crib. We were especially ambivalent because we had concerns that they might cancel her surgery since she had a fever (which did go back down, by the way). Just a note in case you were wondering, it's hard to parent on less than 2 hours sleep. But I was glad she slept from 3:45 until we got her up to leave at 5:45.

Now, given our lack of sleep, you may not be surprised to hear that we first drove to the wrong office. Fortunately, Stillwater is a small town and we were able to make it to the right building (which is right in front of our neighborhood...) and were only 8 minutes late for the appointment. I had a lot of concerns that Alaina would be inconsolable given her lack of sleep or food but she was a trooper. She was very calm while they took her vital signs and height/weight. The nurses commented on how good she was being. And she was pretty adorable in her little hospital gown.

 

The surgery itself was very fast. Chad and I barely had time to move our things into the recovery room and prepare a bottle for her before she was out. Seriously, it was 11 minutes from when they took her from us to when they brought her back. Yes, I timed it.  The doctor indicated there was fluid in both ears. In one ear, it was the consistency of engine oil and the other ear was a bit thicker. Neither were horrible (jello is bad apparently) and they were not infected, which of course made Chad and I somewhat question if the surgery was even really needed right now but whatever. Nothing we can do about it now. I was also irritated to learn that we have to use ear plugs every time we bathe her, for as long as she has ear tubes. Annoying.

Alaina was pitiful coming off the anesthesia. She just seemed so confused and mad. Also you could tell she was disoriented and her little head kept flopping forward. Poor little thing. She was angry the entire time we were in the recovery room, especially since they kept coming back to measure her oxygen with a pulse ox on her big toe. They finally let us go after 30 minutes of observation.

Fortunately, Alaina had a few decent naps, so Chad and I did take advantage of sleeping while she napped. Throughout the day though, she had serious mood swings. She was happy some of the time.

But mostly she was mad and grumpy.

Last night her sleep was still pretty dysregulated but we are hoping that's just a product of all that she's been through this week. I guess we will soon see...   

T - 1 day and counting

Alaina gets her ear tubes tomorrow morning. We'd certainly appreciate your thoughts and prayers. We feel good about our decision to get them (& to get them done here, with general anesthesia). Honestly, our biggest concern is the "no eating after midnight" rule. There were a couple of days last week where Alaina slept solid from 7:45pm until around 7am and we started thinking "great timing! This is perfect!" unfortunately, however, the last three nights she's gotten up between 1-2am to eat (i.e., how I'm posting now). I think we will probably wake her for a bottle at 11:30 and just pray that doesn't disrupt her sleep cycle too much and she sleeps until we get her up to leave at 5:45. We are glad we have to be there so early. I know Monday morning may be rough so I'll be practicing my patience and mindfulness. And doing whatever I can to prepare today. We really hope this fixes her ear issues as well as helps her cough & congestion.

We hope everyone had a happy Valentine's day. We got take out and just chilled at home. My birthday was yesterday. It was pretty low key; certainly not the best actual day but I'm so thankful for all the last year has brought me. Thanks for all the calls, texts, cards, FB posts, and flowers. They were the highlight of what was otherwise a somewhat crummy day. More about that in a later post perhaps.

Here are a few more pictures, including a hilarious one of Alaina, mad because Chad wouldn't let her have his cookbook fast enough. Little chef in the making...

Behind the scenes

I keep meaning to update this week but things have been crazy lately. I had a number of emails and messages from concerned friends and family members about ear tubes, developmental milestones, introducing new foods, and just validation. Thanks for that, everyone. I hope that people also know that overall, Chad and I know we're doing a great job and feel very lucky to have such a sweet baby girl.

Our developmental evaluation is scheduled next Tuesday. We are really excited to see how she behaves in the office. She is appropriately guarded in new situations so hopefully she warms up quickly. It is funny, she has gotten a bit more mobile since the last blog post. She scoots a little on her bottom from a seated position (mostly just in a circle), she stretches with her go-go gadget arms/limber body, and she scoots backward a tiny bit (though this seems accidental). Although we never see it, clearly she is capable of rolling. She really seems to like sleeping on her side. So glad we moved her to her crib. She is doing a great job. We still have one or two more difficult nights every week or so, though some of that may be related to teething. Her bottom gum looks swollen so her first tooth may appear sometime soon.

She is so silly. Lately she really likes biting my nose. She thinks this is hilarious.

Also hilarious--playing peek-a-boo. In this video she is a little more focused on the phone than playing but it's still cute.

Her new foods this week were pumpkin and chicken. Pumpkin was a hit. Chicken was not. We will keep introducing it, though. I did not want to puree the chicken (that just grosses me out) so I cut up boiled chicken into small pieces. She is not a fan.

We did meet with the ENT this week. Alaina was fantastic at the office. She continues to amaze me, particularly at how well she does in public! Basically, Dr. Crawley indicated that Alaina's ears are no longer infected but she does still have fluid behind the ear drums of both. He indicated that the fluid could range from watery to honey to jello. He said that currently hers is just fluid but that he doesn't think it will go away on its own. He recommended tubes but said that this wasn't a decision that had to be made immediately. He said that while her congestion and cough were not stemming from the ear infections, getting the ears cleared up might allow her body to focus on clearing up the congestion (and perhaps allow medicine like Zyrtec) to work better. I'm not entirely sure I follow that logic. Chad is pretty convinced/ready but I want to wait just a little bit before deciding. Especially since it would require us to not feed her after midnight and baby girl is a gruuuuuump when she is hungry. So we will see. I think we will get tubes but I'm not in a rush to get them this week. And we may see about a second opinion.

Each week I take a photo to mark how big she is getting. It is surprising how some weeks she makes such huge differences. Anyhow, the photos are so static and don't show that sometimes I have to take so many pictures to get one. So I thought I'd take a "behind the scenes" look. It's so crazy how quickly she is approaching that 52 week mark...things are definitely speeding up now. :(

9 month old baby girl

So I started this post last weekend when Alaina turned 9 months old (01/12/13). But never got around to finishing it. Happy 9 months, baby girl! Her 9 month appointment is on Monday and I'm curious to see her stats! Her eating/drinking varies so much from week-to-week. I feel like she is getting longer.

Probably the most exciting news is that Alaina has fully transitioned to her crib! Overall, I would say she is doing pretty well with this. She has slept in it for all naps and all night for two weeks now. She has had a few nights where she sleeps from 9/10 pm until 7 am, which is amazing. But there have also been a few nights where she woke up every 2 hours and was very difficult to put back down. So a little hit or miss. But I call it a success. I am adjusting to sleeping with the sounds of the monitor and waking up to check out the screen, instead of rolling over to check on her. But it's going well. Most importantly, she typically wakes up very happy in the morning (she wakes up on her back, don't let the pictures below fool you. She does not sit up or stand up in her crib).

She still isn't very mobile. She can scoot around in a circle on her bottom, if she is holding onto something. She also can go from a sitting position onto her tummy, but she gets mad when she does this. She gets plenty of time in the "crawling position" which she tolerates, but still no desire to move. She is getting much better about playing independently. Her favorite thing in the world is to dump baskets and boxes of toys. This will keep her entertained for awhile!

Alaina loves to talk. At school they say she is very talkative and we totally see that at home! She's funny; she also loves to imitate laughs and sounds. The most fun is her clapping. One of her teachers said that when they start cleaning (mopping, spraying toys, etc.) Alaina will clap and say "yay!!" Hilarious. She also now says "Ah duh" at the end of meals when I say "All done." 

In terms of meals, she has tried pasta, cheerios, puffs, and pita bread. She loves them all and is getting pretty good at feeding herself these dry foods. 

The most hilarious thing from the previous week is that I showed her the "hot dog" video from Mickey Mouse club house. She thinks this is funny and likes to bounce to the music and yell at Mickey.

New Years Eve...fun

Unfortunately, Alaina got really cranky this past Sunday evening and she has had a fever. It's ranged from 100-103. I ended up being awake with her most of the night from midnight to 4:30 am. Poor thing was so unhappy. She just wanted to sit in my lap. All.the.time.

On Monday night, we gave her infant ibuprofen at the advice of the after hours nurse line (since her fever was 102+ and ibuprofen is supposed to last longer than tylenol). Well, it brought her fever down quickly but it turned out to be a big mistake. She was wired and restless and refused to sleep for four hours.

Needless to say, she was not enjoying 2013.

Once we finally got her to sleep, she stayed asleep until 10:30 am though! She has never slept so late. She was feeling happier during the day.

I noticed that she was also fiddling with her ear and holding her head so this warranted a doctor's appointment. As we feared, another double ear infection. Poor thing just can't get a break. Her eating has also been really erratic. I know that she's obviously a chunk but it hurts to see that she's gone from the 99th percentile in weight to the 40th. She is obviously healthy, though. I just get too wrapped up in numbers and stats. Here she is pushing up. Still no crawling, pulling up, and very little rolling. She talks a lot, though. And she's off the charts cute.

Countdown to Christmas!

We are gearing up for Alaina's first Christmas. It's an exciting and magical time. Of course we are very disappointed that we are not able to travel to visit family and friends this year. Hopefully next year! However, I'm excited that my dad is coming tomorrow for a few days and then my mom will be visiting soon. I'm really proud of us for not overspending this year, knowing that Alaina will have more fun with wrapping paper and boxes than the actual toys. However, we did get her a few fun things and of course she has gotten presents and money from family as well. We are hoping we can take her to see Santa this weekend. Of course we will take pictures!

This week Alaina's school has also hosted several festivities for the holidays. Every day this week I've dressed her in different Christmas or winter outfits. Yesterday was pajama day so she got to wear the adorable red/white striped reindeer pajamas. Today is red or green day so she is wearing her "first Christmas" outfit.

She is definitely starting to look more like her daddy. It is so funny to me how some people swears she looks just like me, others think she looks just like Chad, and some think she looks like a mix. What do you think?

I am fairly behind in all aspects of life, as usual. We ran into a few delays in getting cards made so we will be sending out New Years cards this year. Once they get here, that is. So yea, late on everything. My favorite purchase this year is Alaina's "baby's first ornament" that I got on Etsy. Seriously, how cute is this? (this reminds me I should post photos from her newborn and 6 month shoots in a later post)

At school, Alaina made her first ornament. I never thought I would like this sort of thing but it is hanging proudly on our tree!

We really love Alaina's teachers at school so we wanted to do a little something for them for Christmas. Given that she has seven teachers in her class, we weren't able to do anything big. Instead I just got them all some fun socks (they mostly don't wear shoes in the class, just fun socks, slippers, etc.), pocket antibacterial gel and tissues, and Lindt truffles. I wrapped them up to make these fun little packages.

In other news, Alaina's "spots" came back last week. They spread up to her face this time. Her school wanted to make sure this was nothing contagious so I did take her in to see a pediatrician at our clinic. He said they weren't contagious but unfortunately, he couldn't specify what it is/what is causing it. We are fairly confident it wasn't a virus. She never had a fever and seemed to be acting fine. He didn't think it was food or medication allergies. He said it was possible it was the start of eczema but thinks it's just sensitive skin. I definitely do not think it is just sensitive skin. I've never seen sensitive skin systemically spread like this. So who knows.

Our sweet little girl has been grumpier at night lately. I think her schedule is just off at day care. She may also be going through some phase--she has been harder to put to sleep (lots of screaming, flailing, arched back) the last few nights. However, she still LOVES bath time! Lately she has been enjoying rocking back and forth getting the water to make little waves she can splash. 

As a disclaimer, I will note that we always begin bath time with just a couple of inches of water. This is at the end of her bath, after she has been rinsed with several cupfuls of water. Chad and I give baths together so she had plenty of adult supervision while taking pictures and videos.

In general, I have just spent a tremendous amount of time this week being thankful. As we all are, I am still trying to process the horrific tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut last week. Whenever I get frustrated that Alaina isn't sleeping, wakes up at 3 am, or is grumpy, I just remember how lucky we are. I know without a doubt that there are parents who would give anything to have their baby back, even if it meant not sleeping at all one night. I do not want to ever take her for granted. We are just so incredibly lucky. I cry every time I think about it. So, whenever I can, I just hold her tight and enjoy her snuggles. I hope she is this cuddly forever.