You're a terrible mother

How angry would you be if someone told you (or someone you loved) that? Pretty mad, I'd bet. I know I'd be livid! Yet I hear myself and my friends saying it to ourselves all the time. "We are terrible parents, Alaina won't eat solid foods...doesn't use a sippy cup...doesn't get a bath every night...hasn't learned her colors yet...had an infection and we didn't know...can't solve a quadratic equation" and on and on. Clearly that's a combination of thoughts I've had, ones I've heard and just plain hyperbole. But it's pretty ridiculous really. I'm not sure why this realization surprised me given I know that self-talk outside of parenting can be downright nasty. My friend's husband told her over the holidays that she wasn't allowed to say it anymore. The funny thing is, she's nowhere near terrible. She's an amazing mom (you know you are)! She has the equivalent of two full-time jobs and yet has time to make it to her oldest's dance classes and home for baths every night. And she even cooks and cleans (at least occasionally). So in general, I think we are all doing pretty well. "Good enough" parenting is a real term with positive outcomes and I probably need to remind myself of that more regularly. Alaina's pretty lucky to have such awesome parents. :) I'm sure she will hear this a lot as a teenager. ;)

Where is this all coming from? A weird, unexpected reaction to Alaina's 9-month check up actually. In general, she's doing really well. First, the fun stuff. She is 18 pounds, 11 ounces (44th percentile), 26.75 inches (21st percentile), and her head is 17.75 (78th percentile). So she really is a little lollipop. Which I have been thinking she kind of looks like these days. :) She did really well with her two shots. Snoopy band-aids, if you were wondering.

So what went wrong? Well, nothing really. But in the waiting room, we always get a "Bright Starts" sheet that talks about milestones and what we 'should' be doing as parents. They tend to be fairly helpful and a confidence boost--"yay, I have friends who are parents that I can talk with about my struggles," "awesome! we always use a car seat, every time Alaina is in a vehicle," "look at us! we only leave her with trusted providers"--but yesterday, I noticed "feed 3 meals of solid foods," "start introducing more table foods," and "use a sippy cup" and got more overwhelmed than usual.

Parenting is a lot of work.

I fret over things that ultimately do.not.matter. Because of all of her sensitivities, Alaina has only had about 14 foods. I have seriously lost sleep at night wondering how she will possibly ever eat normal food because clearly we still have so many to go through, using a '4-days between new introduction' paradigm. Goodness, trying to imagine her eating mashed potatoes at a restaurant is enough to send me in a tizzy--before doing so, she would need to have tried white potatoes, milk/cream, butter, pepper, garlic, other seasonings, potentially other things I'm not even thinking of right now...and I'm terrified of dairy. I need to just give the kid yogurt and see what happens but I feel like before I do that, I need to meet with an allergist and have her tested. Ridiculous. She is not going to go into anaphylactic shock from a cheese cube. I am completely confident in that. So why the hesitation? And so what if at 12 months old, she isn't magically eating chicken nuggets and toddler muffins...? But how will she transition to the 1-year classroom where they feed them meals and snacks? And what about her birthday cake? She can't have frosting if she's never had dairy.

Seriously.

Yes, I hear myself.

So those were the things going through my mind before even being called back for her visit. So on the medical side of things, unfortunately, she still has/or developed a new ear infection. This is concerning because it is possibly the third ear infection since Thanksgiving. So some doctors start thinking about whether tubes are necessary (our doctor is not saying she needs tubes, just to be clear). So the pediatrician referred us to an ENT in town next week. Personally, I do not think tubes are warranted. I really, truly think this is allergies (or whatever the equivalent to allergies is in a 9-month old since allergies don't happen to babies...)/sinus issues. Chad and I both have allergies so she got hosed on the genetic lot for that particular problem. What if her ears are infected solely because she has had chronic sinusitis? Hopefully the ENT isn't 'tube happy' and will consider this as an option. Obviously if he recommends tubes, we would seek a second opinion. For now, we started her back on Suprax again. It seemed to help last time, at least while she was taking it.

The other issue we discussed at length is her lack of mobility. Although her teachers says she will roll at daycare, she almost never rolls at home (and they note that she rolls with less frequency than her peers). She is not crawling and she does not try to pull herself up. I've said before, I'm really not concerned about this. Developmental stages have long ranges of "normal". Her pediatrician also is not worried. However, she did say it might be a good idea to get a developmental evaluation just to make sure she doesn't need physical therapy. That said, while in the office, Alaina was standing with assistance and sitting up, sometimes pulling her knees to her chest. The doctor laughed at this and said this was evidence that her lack of mobility is very likely a motivation issue (or focusing her energy elsewhere, like on social or communication skills) rather than it being a gross motor delay. She noted that she has great posture and flexibility and is very limber. Anyhow, I have a call in to SoonerStart, our early intervention program for an eval. I'm actually a little excited about this because during my residency/internship, I did a number of developmental assessments for kids ages 0-3 and I've always wondered where Alaina falls in the various aspects; obviously I'm not going to test her myself. But I am a huge proponent of early intervention so if she does need therapy, I am glad we are getting assessed. Hopefully we can get some exercises to use with her at home, too.

I am trying to increase her food now, too. She's just been getting 1-2 tablespoons of food each day. So, starting today, I sent food to daycare as well. I had delayed this because I needed to order small glass bowls with lids, which came in yesterday.
And I'm alternating sippy and straw cups at dinner now.

Progress. But ridiculous how one appointment can cause such self-doubt and "mom guilt." And I didn't even get into the long, ugly thought process about nursing and preventing ear & upper respiratory infections...
But back to the topic at hand. Most moms are far more than "good enough". Long discussions with other moms about how "terrible" you are is just co-rumination at its worst and will exacerbate stress. So while it's one thing to feel terrible, I am promising myself (and my friend and her husband) not to engage in this destructive self-talk.

Anyhow, that was a whole lot of random rambling. Clearly baby girl is doing just fine. She's even starting to help around the house... ;)

{Baby} Favorite things part 2: Websites & books!

So I thought of a number of additional things I would recommend and noticed lots were books or websites/blogs. So I figured I could add those here. I should note, google is my go-to website for pretty much everything. However, I noticed that a lot of times I was going back to the same websites and blogs that I really liked. So here they are. Obviously these are just my opinions and I do not have any stake in any of these companies/websites, etc. 

Books

I mentioned this previously but pretty much the best resource I've found related to pregnancy or baby items, is Baby Bargains. Seriously awesome. I made most all of our decisions for the nursery and baby gear based on this book. There is also a website with a forum that is helpful.

In terms of pregnancy books, everyone recommends What to expect when you're expecting. But it's pretty alarmist so I avoided it. I did not need additional anxiety about every aspect of pregnancy. I found the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy to be much more user-friendly. I'll be honest that I was not great about reading it regularly, though. But the information in it was good. 

We have been fortunate that Alaina sleeps really well. For awhile we had some difficulty with naps though so I bought the No cry nap solution on the Kindle. I liked it and think that if we were going to sleep train at night, I would probably use the No cry sleep solution, which has been useful for a number of people that I know. In general, I think a lot of sleep books contain the same information and fall on either end of the no crying or modified cry it out (CIO) spectrum. For now, we prefer to not use CIO but recognize that may change. As with everything, many of these decisions are based on what works best for your baby and your family. I also considered the Happiest Baby on the Block. I don't think I could ever recommend Babywise, based on the little bit that I have read of it, but I do know some people (including parents at our daycare) swear by it. Most of these books also have associated websites so you can take a look on those to get some assistance.

Websites

I have spent a tremendous amount of time looking for information on breastfeeding, proper latch and milk transfer, dairy (and other) allergies, fever, sleep strategies, product recommendations, etc. Fortunately, there are some truly amazing resources available! I also got/still get weekly emails from Baby Center, Pampers, etc.

My favorite breastfeeding-related website is Kellymom. They include articles about everything you can think of or worry about. There are also great resources about pumping, how long expressed milk lasts in various methods of storage, concerns about low supply, proper weight gain, etc. The website also doesn't sugar coat or pretend that breastfeeding is without problems. The La Leche League website is also very helpful in this regard and can direct you to local groups and lactation consultants.

Another useful site is run by Jack Newman, a physician in Canada that specializes in breastfeeding. The videos from this clinic are an invaluable resource. There are a lot of sites out there that I wasn't as much a fan of because I felt a bit marginalized because we also supplemented with formula. But there is still great information on the internet.

Due to sometimes feeling marginalized and getting down right depressed at all the difficulties Alaina had with breastfeeding (and associated mommy guilt/feeling privately judged), being told about the website Fearless Formula Feeder really may have saved my sanity. I know I discussed this site before but it really is amazing. So many smart women who provide their stories and support one another's decision to feed their children in whatever way works for them, without judgment. It also gave me fresh perspective and reminded me of the importance of reading original research critically, rather than accepting the media's interpretation of data. I believe even women who breastfeed exclusively could benefit from reading some of the articles and stories presented.

In terms of sleep, I really enjoy the My Baby Sleep Guide blog. This website summarizes the major sleep books, information about "normal" sleep and wake times, etc. Lots of great information about sleep routines, too.

I wish I hadn't needed it but the Go Dairy Free website helped me make it through the dark days without dairy! The lists of hidden dairy, links to restaurant menus, and suggestions for snacks and substitutions were fantastic!

I mentioned previously that I love the Wholesome Baby Food and Baby Led Weaning websites for making food at home.

I have also spent a great deal of time on the Science of Mom, Dr. Sears, and Peaceful Parenting websites. I don't always agree with all of the information (or at least the manner in which it is) presented but overall, I find them very helpful. For example, I always consult the Dr. Sears site about fever and when to medicate/call the pediatrician.

If you need a laugh, Honest Toddler is awesome.

In terms of shopping, I check the following websites daily: Baby Steals (frequent amazing deals on must-have items like Aden and Anais muslin blankets, Halo Sleep Sacks, baby legs, etc.), Baby Half Off, Green Baby Bargains, Kids Woot, Mama Bargains, Zulily, and Totsy. I also have an unhealthy addiction to Etsy.

Apps

Toward the end of the second trimester, doctors want you to track how often the baby is kicking. I downloaded the free version of Baby Kicks and really liked it.

Blogger also has an app which is great for being able to post blogs in the early months when I wasn't able to log onto a computer. You can upload pictures from your phone onto the blog very easily. I haven't figured out how to upload videos, however.

I mentioned the Baby Connect app before. Seriously amazing if you're a tracker. However, it is very possible to raise a happy, well-adjusted baby without tracking every minute of sleep, every ounce of milk, and every dirty diaper. I just wouldn't know how to function that way! It has especially come in handy with the dairy sensitivity and potential food allergies.

Most people already have Pandora on their phone or iPod. However, did you know there is a Lullabies station? Seriously amazing. And doesn't make you want to poke your eyes out. Usually. Chad and I both love the many versions of the Rainbow Connection. I think the Dixie Chicks version is our favorite. :)

The Sporcle (free) app got me through many nights of extended nursing and pumping sessions. Loved it! Just lots of random, timed trivia.

Hope you found some of these helpful. I may think of more in the future and update.

The baby is well! And then she's not..

So there isn't a whole lot new this week. We were starting to notice, toward the end of the antibiotic, that Alaina had been doing much better. She had no cough whatsoever and her congestion had cleared up. Within three days of being off the medicine, all of that came back. On Tuesday she was very congested and Wednesday morning she woke up coughing. One of my colleagues said that her daughter's allergist told them that if babies and small children have sinus infections, 10- or 14-day courses of antibiotics tend to be fairly ineffective, that you really need a 21-day course. This was interesting to me so I plan to research that a bit. The fact that everything was clear until she stopped the medicine makes me wonder, for sure. Unfortunately, I also get the feeling that her ear infection never actually went away. On Tuesday, the owner of the daycare called because Alaina was very difficult to soothe and her teacher said she seemed in pain. They gave her some Tylenol which helped a lot. Repeated on Wednesday. Today she has been (and has made us...) miserable. Her congestion and cough were awful and absolutely nothing was making her happy. I ended up giving her Zyrtec this morning which helped a little with the congestion and just had to give Tylenol when I saw her pulling her ear. Thank goodness we have an appointment on Monday.

You can sort of even tell in this picture that she is having to breathe through her mouth more. Poor little thing.

So I noted in the last blog post that she isn't standing on her own, etc. However, she LOVES to stand up. You just have to help her. She really likes standing on the couch and going for the kleenex box. Whatever makes you happy, silly girl.

This is just an old picture from early December when Alaina went to work with me following her shots. She loves Ricki and even reaches for her to be held.

We got to celebrate Christmas again this week. Alaina got some more fun presents. She loves them...and the wrapping paper! (you can also see the little rash she developed on her chin that we are hoping is from drool and not from a wheat allergy...)

As I said, there isn't much excitement this week. On Thursday I got my very first flu shot. I am allergic to eggs so I've always been hesitant to get it but based on the new recommendations and also having an itty bitty that I do not want to get sick (and also carries germs back from the germ factory!!), I thought it was best. It ended up being a big ordeal. It took about 20 minutes and talking to six different people before they would finally give me the shot. Then, they made me wait a half an hour while under 1:1 observation in a patient room before I could leave. But whatever. My throat was a little itchy for a few hours after the shot and I've had a headache on and off since Thursday but no real reaction. Now we better not get the flu--I've only had it twice in my life! The other excitement is that Chad is building a computer this weekend. This is the fourth computer he has built. It's always a long process from its inception to completion and of course now he is being stopped every few minutes/hours to help with the baby. But it's pretty much done. He is obviously very excited about it.

In terms of my goals for the new year, I would give myself a C. 

• I've cooked a meal two out of the three weeks (second recipe I made). Though to be fair, I cook on Thursdays and this week I had a work event until 10 pm so clearly I couldn't cook then. I was going to make something yesterday in the crock pot but Chad forgot to pick up a necessary ingredient at the grocery store. So we had pizza instead...

• I am 3/3 on taking lunches at least twice per week. 

• Alaina is moved to her crib! Hooray!

• I was doing awesome staying off Facebook at work but I slipped on this a little bit in the last week. Must do better!

• I have not yet opened the 30-day Shred DVD. Oops.

• We have not found a church.

• Chad chose Baked's peanut butter milk chocolate chip cookies for this month. I made them last Sunday and they were fabulous. We both took them to work with us the next day so they wouldn't all be consumed in one sitting. Which was a possibility. I haven't heard from Kris if she has made them yet. Unless you hate peanut butter (sacrilege!), I highly encourage you make them! They are a little more work than traditional peanut butter or peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (Southern Living also has a good recipe) but very worth it. Note that you must chill the dough for at least 3 hours prior to making them. Also, you should refrigerate the dough and stir it between batches or the last batch gets pretty funky. I am very excited to see what the Lawsons pick for February!

9 month old baby girl

So I started this post last weekend when Alaina turned 9 months old (01/12/13). But never got around to finishing it. Happy 9 months, baby girl! Her 9 month appointment is on Monday and I'm curious to see her stats! Her eating/drinking varies so much from week-to-week. I feel like she is getting longer.

Probably the most exciting news is that Alaina has fully transitioned to her crib! Overall, I would say she is doing pretty well with this. She has slept in it for all naps and all night for two weeks now. She has had a few nights where she sleeps from 9/10 pm until 7 am, which is amazing. But there have also been a few nights where she woke up every 2 hours and was very difficult to put back down. So a little hit or miss. But I call it a success. I am adjusting to sleeping with the sounds of the monitor and waking up to check out the screen, instead of rolling over to check on her. But it's going well. Most importantly, she typically wakes up very happy in the morning (she wakes up on her back, don't let the pictures below fool you. She does not sit up or stand up in her crib).

She still isn't very mobile. She can scoot around in a circle on her bottom, if she is holding onto something. She also can go from a sitting position onto her tummy, but she gets mad when she does this. She gets plenty of time in the "crawling position" which she tolerates, but still no desire to move. She is getting much better about playing independently. Her favorite thing in the world is to dump baskets and boxes of toys. This will keep her entertained for awhile!

Alaina loves to talk. At school they say she is very talkative and we totally see that at home! She's funny; she also loves to imitate laughs and sounds. The most fun is her clapping. One of her teachers said that when they start cleaning (mopping, spraying toys, etc.) Alaina will clap and say "yay!!" Hilarious. She also now says "Ah duh" at the end of meals when I say "All done." 

In terms of meals, she has tried pasta, cheerios, puffs, and pita bread. She loves them all and is getting pretty good at feeding herself these dry foods. 

The most hilarious thing from the previous week is that I showed her the "hot dog" video from Mickey Mouse club house. She thinks this is funny and likes to bounce to the music and yell at Mickey.

Smudge resolves to...

...stay completely adorable. I feel completely confident that, unlike many Americans, she will be successful with her New Year's Resolution. Note that she did not promise to win a Nobel or Pulitzer prize this year; she's not even promising that she will start rolling consistently, eating solid foods, or stop going to the pediatrician's office every few weeks. :) We are hopeful we can convince her to achieve these last things at least.

In the past, I have tended to shy away from New Year's resolutions. Approximately 45% of Americans make them. The most common resolutions are to lose weight, get organized, spend less/save more, enjoy life to the fullest, and quit smoking. Fortunately I have never smoked but all of the other resolutions are fair game. The data on success in resolutions tend to be fairly bleak (though a fairly recent study suggests that, for women at least, making a goal public and getting support from your friends increases success somewhat). However, I have been thinking for awhile that I need to do a little more "practice what I teach" in terms of therapy techniques and behavioral strategies. This is an issue not uncommon among my friends and colleagues. When stressed, I do a fairly good job with DBT skills like being mindful and reducing vulnerability to negative emotions. But all the other stuff gets a bit forgotten. So, rather than set resolutions per se, I've spent the last week or so thinking about values and goals, ala behavioral activation and acceptance and commitment therapy. Most experts agree that there are approximately ten domains in life that some people "value" (i.e., family, intimate relations, parenting, social relations, employment, personal growth, recreation, spirituality, community, and physical well-being). It is unrealistic to try to tackle all areas at once. In fact, striving for a goal at all tends to use valuable self-control, leaving other areas of your life vulnerable to undesirable influences and outcomes (interested readers should check out my friend and colleague's blog post, The Dark Side of New Year's Resolutions). This helps explain why, in the last year as I have been growing and raising a baby and moving toward reappointment and tenure, my house has become a disaster and I no longer have the energy to bake. Sorry Chad, something had to give.

Anyhow, I have been thinking a lot about these areas and ways that I could improve. Small, concrete, measurable goals with those core values in mind.

• Cook one meal per week (Value: marital relationship, physical well-being). I am not even pretending that I will eat healthy every day. I think a by-product of being more involved with my food will be that I make better choices on a regular basis. This will also help take some of the load off of Chad since he has been handling most of the meals. At first, I plan for all of the meals to be made using our slow cooker but hopefully I will be able to add in some additional meals as I get back in the groove.
• Eat at least two lunch meals from home (Value: physical well-being). This is tough for me since I don't like most of the microwaveable dinners and I don't eat salad. Cooking regularly will help, though.
• Move Alaina to her crib (Value: parenting, marital relationship). It's time. While part of me is sad that she will be in her own room, I really believe this is important.
• Stay off Facebook at work (Value: employment). I really want to be more productive this year. I started at OSU in a good place in terms of publications and my first few years have gone pretty well. However, the last year has been tough in terms of productivity. I fully recognize that this is completely normal as I have to shift priorities and balance personal and professional responsibilities. Spending time on Facebook (or Pinterest or other random websites) will not help me get tenure. I am not giving it up; just shifting it off my work computer. If I feel I must check FB during lunch, etc. I am only allowing myself to check it from my phone.
• Complete Jillian Michael's 30-day shred DVD (Value: physical well-being). My sister, Kristin, and several friends have agreed to start this. I am least confident in my ability to achieve this goal. Trying to find a 30 minute period at home when Alaina isn't requiring my attention seems insurmountable! I ordered the DVD, so that's a good first step. I'm just hoping it doesn't meet the same fate as my still-shrink wrapped Prenatal Pilates DVD that I intended to use while pregnant. Getting Alaina in her crib would mean I may be able to get up earlier or shower in the evening without fear of waking her so there are some possibilities here...
• Possibly seeming counter to the above, Kristin and I are going to embark on a mission to create one recipe per month from the Baked books (Value: family relationship, recreation). I'm sure I will blog about each one so you guys can enjoy this with us.
• Find a church (Value: spirituality).

In general, I would also like to keep the house cleaner, be nicer to Chad, take the puppies for more walks, save money for a vacation, etc. but I do not have concrete goals for that at this time. Perhaps as I work the other goals into my daily life I will have room to add in some of these.

I will probably check in on these goals periodically. I have done fairly well this first week of the year (like 75% of people who make resolutions...). I made a meal in the crockpot on Thursday (and had leftovers for lunch on Friday!). I stayed off Facebook on Thursday and Friday (I only went in to work W-F this week). Alaina currently is napping happily in her crib. And my DVD is waiting for me in my mailbox...so, not a bad start.

Christmas videos

I can't believe I forgot the best part!

Christmas eve:

Christmas morning:

New Years Eve...fun

Unfortunately, Alaina got really cranky this past Sunday evening and she has had a fever. It's ranged from 100-103. I ended up being awake with her most of the night from midnight to 4:30 am. Poor thing was so unhappy. She just wanted to sit in my lap. All.the.time.

On Monday night, we gave her infant ibuprofen at the advice of the after hours nurse line (since her fever was 102+ and ibuprofen is supposed to last longer than tylenol). Well, it brought her fever down quickly but it turned out to be a big mistake. She was wired and restless and refused to sleep for four hours.

Needless to say, she was not enjoying 2013.

Once we finally got her to sleep, she stayed asleep until 10:30 am though! She has never slept so late. She was feeling happier during the day.

I noticed that she was also fiddling with her ear and holding her head so this warranted a doctor's appointment. As we feared, another double ear infection. Poor thing just can't get a break. Her eating has also been really erratic. I know that she's obviously a chunk but it hurts to see that she's gone from the 99th percentile in weight to the 40th. She is obviously healthy, though. I just get too wrapped up in numbers and stats. Here she is pushing up. Still no crawling, pulling up, and very little rolling. She talks a lot, though. And she's off the charts cute.

Holiday update

I have been meaning to post Alaina's Christmas photos here. She had a wonderful time! We had her open her stocking and one present on Christmas eve.

From her stocking, which she opened in the afternoon--

This CD has lots of soothing sounds to help her go to sleep...in theory.



She also got a little remote control and a take-along radio. Both are very loud. I find myself humming and singing their silly songs, even when Alaina is sleeping!



She enjoyed singing to the radio. :)



We gave her one gift to open Christmas eve. It's a soothing seahorse. The belly glows and plays soothing music. Right now she just likes to lick the forehead and tail.



She also stole another gift from under the tree! A snowsuit! She had a lot of fun trying to get it out of the bag.




She opened the rest of her presents on Christmas morning.

She was excited, can't you tell?







Alaina got some fun new clothes! She definitely needed them!

She also got a few books.



And her first baby doll:





We always heard that kids love wrapping paper, bows, and boxes. It's totally true.





Overall we think she had a pretty great Christmas.





Opening presents is hard work.

We were supposed to get a big snow on Christmas but we didn't see a single flake! Hopefully we will get some snow this year so she can wear her new snowsuit!