Joy in the time of Corona (aka: how to plan a party during a pandemic)

 

If you are reading this particular blog entry, there's a good chance you already know us and our extreme love for planning birthday parties. It's basically my favorite thing. In early March, though, I quickly realized that this year was going to be different. At the time, there was no discussion of physical/social distancing, shelter in place, or quarantine. However, given A's asthma and all of the rumblings I had heard from epidemiologists, I knew that a party likely wasn't in the books for us this year. As A's birthday drew closer, and the virus spread, this reality became certain. By March 18, this was really heavy on my heart and embarrassingly, the first time I cried in recent memory, was thinking about what I could do to make A's day special. To be clear, themed birthday parties are not the pinnacle of parenting. I had no concerns that A would feel neglected and I know plenty of families who don't do big parties. But still I was sad--this was our thing. Since A was 2 years old, she has had a hand in pulling off fun parties--generating ideas, helping with decorations, and planning the food. (Of course emotions are complex so this was also a time filled with guilt that I would cry over such a small, silly thing when people are literally dying from COVID19 but alas, secondary emotions are not particularly useful so I had to let those go).

So, once I had my night to grieve, I turned immediately to what I always do when I start to plan A's party--Pinterest. I have to say--for the very first time since I joined--Pinterest let me down. Hard. At that time, there were zero pins about virtual parties. Nothing on google either. It was shockingly disappointing. Of course now there are news and popular press articles, blog entries, and pins galore as the "need" for virtual parties has exponentially grown in the last month but it was a wasteland back in early March. We considered birthday parades, zoom, Netflix party, and the houseparty app.

The things I knew we wanted were: 

a themed birthday shirt, 

decorations, 

some way of connecting with a few friends (we opted to do Zoom), 

our traditional birthday chalkboard, 

a cake, 

 

and some sort of activity.

The biggest concern that A had going into a virtual party is that she didn't know what they should do or talk about. This fear was unfounded because as soon as folks were logged on, all the kids were talking and laughing, showing off their zoom skills, and saying hi in the chat feature. We opted for Zoom because it was what we've been using most over the last few weeks. In order to protect us from "zoombombing," I made sure to make sure the link was not posted publicly, I had a waiting room, and I locked the room once everyone who could attend was in the room. We enabled chatting which was fine as well as screensharing the whiteboard. Screensharing the whiteboard ended up being a little problematic as kids were arguing for turns writing/drawing on screen (and not everyone got a turn before we ultimately shut it down). After the party A said she felt like that part got a little out of control so we might recommend disabling that feature (we have seen it go very, very wrong in other classes she has taken over the last few weeks!)--however, the rest of the party was fun.

In addition to chatting with friends, we planned one activity. I had been thinking of various ways we could drop off a "favor bag" or sweet to friends' houses before the party when a local bakery posted they were going to be offering "Decorate your own Doughnuts" by the dozen and half-dozen. Each kit came with doughnuts, 1-2 frostings, and 2-4 toppings. I immediately contacted them to see if they could do a smaller version of these for the attendees and they were great working with me! We picked up the doughnut kits Saturday morning through drive thru and later dropped them off at the doorstop of our friends' homes--we were super lucky that most folks live in our neighborhood! Each kid's kit got doughnuts, a frosting (chocolate or vanilla), a small cup of sprinkles, and a small cup of mini m&ms. I asked parents to send me photos of their creations. That was a LOT of fun.

Once that activity winded down, I shared the video of Cheyenne Jackson (who plays Hades in Descendants 3) wishing A a happy birthday. For the kids who had seen the movie, that was a cool thing to do. Now (sadly), we are not actually close personal friends with Mr. Jackson. I utilized the website Cameo to book him for a paid video. I had spent a few weeks trying to get Descendants 3 stars Sofia Carson, China Anne McLain, or Sarah Jeffrey to join Cameo (or even Dove Cameron, despite A really not like Mal...) to no avail. I had started feeling a little desperate when I discovered that other Descendants characters had joined. If your kids are fans of Ben, Celia, Jane, or the Fairy Godmother, you're in luck as they each have accounts! It is noteworthy that this is an expensive little video. I justified it to myself by saying it was less than I typically pay ordering pizza for a birthday party but it was still hard to hit "submit" for that payment! However, A loved it so much!

Finally, we lit the candle and had the kids sing Happy Birthday. Some friends dropped off presents on the porch or made posterboard signs to put in our yard, making the day extra special.

Overall, I think the party went about as well as it possibly could have and there isn't really anything I would change about it if we were forced to use this platform again for an event. It definitely was not the same as a "real" party but A was pleased enough. I also shared with her the video I compiled of her friends, school teachers and staff, and family members sending her birthday greetings as our final surprise. 

Letter to my 8 year old

Oh my darling, sweet sweet love.

You are now eight and I just want to know how that happened. I am so happy that you still have a sweet little voice, an irresistible laugh, a twinkle in your eyes, and an intense desire to cuddle. These things make up your sweet spirit and bring us such joy. As you grow older, we are rewarded with seeing your insatiable thirst for answers, your push for difficult conversations, advice (oh, how you have an opinion about everything!), and a general sense of fun. You are hilarious and love to pull pranks, tell jokes, and make everyone laugh. I love how much positive affect is squirreled away in your still tiny little body.

Over the last year, you have grown so much more independent! At home, you only want to play on your own; you want to cook entire meals by yourself; and you hate when we try to help you.
Unless you don't want to do something. Then, you remain very needy. You hate nothing more than being bored without company.

You love to read and just fly through books faster than we can get them for you. You adore school and think you have the best teacher in the entire world (we don't disagree!). Being forced to stay home broke your heart especially because you said it was unfair you had only half of a year with Mrs. Hladik. You quickly rallied and embraced our cobbled together "distance learning" plans and have mostly settled into a resilient resignation of the current situation. We are fortunate that you can handle being a homebody. You are also loving math and science, which makes my heart so happy. At school, you seem to work hard often, though it seems you like finishing things more than actually learning them. You are quite impatient and are still working on your perseverance as currently, you have a tendency to want to give up easily when something is more challenging. You sometimes lean toward perfectionism and it isn't uncommon to find you crumpling a piece of some artwork that I really liked, throwing a pencil on the floor in frustration, or crying because you can't get things exactly the way you want them. I can tell you are internalizing the messages you hear at school though and are working hard to combat that as I regularly hear you saying "there are no mistakes in art!" and "things don't have to be perfect." --Granted, this is usually in response to something I say or when you're watching an episode of Nailed It or some other creative competition but I hope this will eventually generalize. I love your creativity and how, when you give yourself the opportunity, you really look at things from a new and unique way.

When you were a baby (& before you were even born), my biggest hope for you was that you would be a kind and caring person. I truly believe that this is a strength for you. You truly care about everyone and are full of empathy. Although you also can be pretty judgy, you also are quick to point out situational factors others might be facing and remind others to do the same. We think that perhaps years of people rewarding your sass has created a bit of a monster as you quickly turn your wit on us regularly (poor daddy takes the brunt of this!), though you don't seem to intend to be hurtful. I think you just like practicing sarcasm, eyerolling, and poking fun. It's hard not to laugh.

You continue to have such a sensitive heart, both in terms of content you are willing to handle in books and on movies as well as interpersonally. Regularly, you would complain about feeling left out and often cried about being sad at school. My heart has never been so shattered as the day you told me you think you "might be the loneliest kid at school." It has taken a lot of talking with you, emailing with teachers, and thinking about what is going on here as this is a consistent pattern first noticed in pre-k at age 4. We had been working on learning ways to join friends and learning that sometimes when we want to play with others, we need to compromise on what the activity is. This ability to compromise remains rough for you. But in all our conversation with teachers and staff, it becomes clear that you are loved. Friends want to play with you and seek you out. You encourage others and people like that about you.

Another year has passed and the one thing that has remained constant--You are so very loved.