6 weeks post partum

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I've been feeling good physically and that was confirmed by the check up. My incision is still healing nicely, my blood pressure has returned to the normal range, and I'm 7 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. All great things!

We've had family visiting which has been awesome. We definitely needed that first few weeks to get adjusted but things are going much better. I've even been venturing out of the house alone with her and driving. I start back to work part time the week of June 4. I think it will be good to get back but I'll definitely miss my little buddy.

Alaina is doing well. Who can believe she is six weeks old tonight?!? She is so much fun. I met with the lactation consultant again on Friday but it didn't go that well. But we are still trekking forward. I've been (obvious) dairy free for a week and Alaina started soy formula on Saturday. We are still seeing blood at times but dairy allergies can take 2-4 weeks to leave her body. For now I've made the decision to continue on this path for at least another two weeks and then reevaluate. I've had a couple of sad moments but it's still what I want to do. She's so cute it's obviously worth it.

Look at that smile!

Decisions, decisions

So we thought we wouldn't have to go back to the pediatrician until June but Alaina had other plans for us. Last Thursday I started noticing blood when I changed her diaper. Sometimes it was just specks but other times there was a pretty good amount. So of course I called the doctor who wasn't terribly concerned. She guessed it was probably a small fissure and suggested we keep an eye on it and make sure to use ointment with every change. This made sense to us that her little bottom would be irritated given that we were changing 8-12 soiled diapers each day.

Unfortunately though, there continued to be blood throughout the weekend so the doctor wanted to see us on Wednesday. The good news--Alaina continues to grow! She weighed in at a hefty 10 pounds and 4.4 ounces!! Very exciting. The not so good news is that--as I had started to suspect from Dr. Google--Alaina seems to have an allergy or sensitivity, most likely to dairy. So that means that 1. We must change her formula and 2. I must eliminate all dairy from my diet. A double whammy!

The issue with formula isn't an easy one. For starters, other than the blood (which I know is a problem), she tolerates this formula really well. She's a super pleasant baby who sleeps well at night, isn't too gassy or fussy, and doesn't spit up much. I hate to trade that for something unknown. Another big issue is--then what do we switch to? One option (that the dr suggested) is soy; the other option is a hydrolyzed or amino acid based "hypoallergenic" formula. Now for those not in the formula loop, you may not have known that there has recently been a lot of controversy about soy formula. For one, a percentage of babies allergic to dairy are also allergic to soy. In fact, unless certain conditions are met, the American Pediatric Association doesn't recommend the switch. The bigger controversy though is that soy is manufactured and contains isoflavins--or hormones/phytoestrogen. A quick Internet search suggests soy formula can cause issues like goiters, thyroid problems, and early onset puberty (and thank goodness she isn't a boy since that's a whole other list of side effects!). But this research is scant. So the alternative formula is one that the milk proteins are already broken down so they help 90% of babies with allergies. The downside? I've heard it costs about $75/can. Yikes! So we have to decide what we want to do. We are certainly appreciative of any comments/suggestions y'all have. I am pretty sure both Chad and I had soy formula as kids and we turned out okay...right?

Of course the best situation would be one where we are not giving formula at all. But as I've detailed in other posts, that's just not a possibility right now. But I'm going back to meet with the lactation consultant this week to see what we can do. I'm pretty sure things are better on my end and it's not a supply issue so we need to figure out what's going on with Alaina. It seems to me that she thinks I'm her comfort/pacifier and the bottle is her food source. So hopefully we can get that straightened out. But as I mentioned, even then, I'm still going to have to eliminate all dairy from my diet. I'm starting with the obvious ones (milk, cheese, ice cream, yogurt, butter) which is huge in itself given my limited diet. However, if that doesn't work, I'll have to cut "hidden dairy" found in breads, processed foods, etc. Not fun.

If there was a good formula alternative, I'm not fully convinced that I could justify continuing to nurse. Not that she isn't worth diet changes but when you compound those changes with the slew of other feeding issues we've had...I'm sure you understand. Today makes five weeks though! Which doesn't sound like a lot when considering I wanted to exclusively nurse for six months and continue for a year but at this point I consider each day a victory. And as I read someone say online--every ounce counts! And ultimately, no matter what 'mommy guilt' may try to say otherwise, being a good parent isn't about how you feed your kid. It's that you're feeding and caring for her. And a happy mommy is the best mommy (DBT skill: Turning the mind is useful here). No matter how much others may try to make me/you/us feel otherwise (TIME magazine, I'm looking at you).
So that's where things are. We won't even mention the stash of milk in my freezer which took hours to build which may have to be donated if this truly is a dairy issue..

With all this going on I know I've slacked on updates. The most fun news is that Alaina has started social smiles!! It's so fun to get her to smile. Chad has a great picture I need to get from him to post. But I've put a couple in at the end for you. I also am posting one of her checking out her little activity mat. She's really going to love that soon! Sorry they're out of order. Again all my updates are one handed phone updates when I'm feeding her so I do what I can...

Yay!!!

Alaina has finally surpassed her birth weight. Today we had our pediatrician's appointment and met with Healthy Steps, a program through the Warren Clinic that checks in on development and other nonmedical issues. Alaina seems on track developmentally. At this point they just want to see eye contact and equilateral gross motor movement.

We continue to love our pediatrician. Everything looks great for Alaina's one month check up. She weighed 9 pounds and 10 ounces--a gain of approximately 11 ounces in 9 days. That's what I'm talking about!! We are very pleased. I've been considering tapering off the formula and we talked to the pediatrician about this. She completely agreed that something has to give. I'm still a little ambivalent about just what we will/should do. I really appreciate the friends and family members who have reached out to me regarding their own experiences. It's been more helpful than you know!!

So I'm optimistic. Things really do get easier daily. And I am just so thankful that she is healthy. Trust me, Chad and I truly know how fortunate we are.

On a funny note, I was feeling so pleased with myself today--Chad came home for lunch right after I fed Alaina so I was able to take a little time to flat iron my hair and put on makeup and real clothes. I even told him I felt like a real person. Then, on the ride over to the appointment I realized...I still had on my hot pink house shoes. Oops. I tried to not pay attention to if I got any funny looks. I'm sure they've seen worse! And Alaina is so cute they probably weren't looking at me anyway. :-)

She's definitely ours!

This blog has been a little depressing lately so I thought I needed to add something fun. On a daily basis I don't think Alaina looks much like me or Chad. But then I see our baby pictures! What do you think?? Totally our baby.

Terrible blogger

Man, I just can't keep up! I can't imagine why...probably something to do with the fact that I can only answer emails and texts on my phone with one hand and I've not been on my computer almost at all since April!

Just to update from last week--we had Alaina's latest pediatrician appointment on Monday for her weigh in. She had been really fussy and wasn't acting the same the last few days so Chad and I had lots of questions. We are fortunate to have an amazing and patient pediatrician who answered all our questions and reassured us that everything was normal. Alaina was up six ounces to 8 lbs 14 oz. That's a normal gain but it was still disheartening to me. It's just so hard literally spending every waking (...as most are) minute doing feeding related activities and so I was hopeful for more. We go back on Wednesday. I would love for her to be back up to her birth weight (a gain of 7 ounces in 9 days) but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.

Otherwise we are doing okay. It's hard for me to do things like remember to eat (or find time to eat when I do remember) with Chad at work. My days are still in blocks of 3 hours where I nurse and then give her a bottle and then pump and then the cycle starts again. I'm still having a hard time leaving the house or having visitors because of the scheduling and the anxiety I feel when I have to miss one of the above. I know it will get better though. I've stopped pumping at night so that means I now get 2-2.5 hours of sleep at a time which does make me happier. Thursday will make four weeks that I've kept this up. I get upset about it but realize I could have easily given up already. But it is terribly disheartening that I have been pumping so much and only have 40 oz frozen (she eats 18 oz formula/day). I calculated that it is taking about 5 days for me to pump 1 day of what we are supplementing. But I keep hearing it gets better so that's what I'm holding on to. I find I live too much in an alternate reality of "what if they had caught the feeding problem before she lost all the weight? What if she had already gained back to her birth weight? How would our lives be different?" But alas, that is not terribly helpful so I try to let it go.

Occasionally people want to hear how I am doing as well. :) I've already noted the emotional and exhausting stuff. Physically, I am still recovering. My incision still quite painful sometimes and I experience a lot of cramping and pinching sensations. My back also hurts a tremendous amount. Initially I blamed that on the feeding and trying to carry an 8-9 pound infant around all day but my sister, Kris indicated it also might be a residual side effect of the epidural. I am hoping that will get better as time goes on. The other things are supposed to be getting better by six weeks.

Well, it seems I've started to ramble now and it's almost time to feed again so I'll just leave you with a picture. Thank goodness she's adorable, right? Look at those rolls...surely she is gaining! And since people liked seeing how ridiculous our day looks on the last blog, I included an updated picture of that too along with one that just shows the feeding activities.