FOURTEEN?!?!

I was so unnecessarily concerned about how 13 would go. Thirteen was an amazing year. You are still the sweet and cool person we have been so fortunate to love for over a decade. You are incredibly funny and very thoughtful. I love to watch you think and hear your thoughts on the world (you have so many!). 

While seventh and eighth grade were not your favorite years, you are finishing the middle/junior high years strong. We thought you would have an extra year of junior high but instead you now get to attend the brand new (not yet finished!) high school next year. You were able to balance advanced algebra, ELA, and history while also working really hard in band. You had to compete against ninth graders and were very fortunate to earn a spot in honor band. Band also allowed you to experience your first sleep-away camp in another state. You enjoyed the chance to gain some independence. This summer you will begin marching band and next year you are continuing in advanced classes (adding science to the mix) and are hoping to take art and French. It will be a whole new experience with block scheduled classes. You really missed art this year and it has become very clear that STEM/engineering is not a path you have any interest in pursuing, despite doing well in those classes. 

Your summer included some really cool experiences, such as the Sandra Day O'Connor Civics camp at Arizona State. Traveling to Phoenix in June was not for the faint of heart but it was a great camp and it was fun to see another campus and get to check out ASU's law school. You remain interested in civics and social justice topics but you have not really wanted to pursue any leadership opportunities or community engagement. We also made it to Michigan this summer and enjoyed visiting family, seeing Lake Michigan, and escaping the summer heat. You also made the trek back to Kentucky when Mommy Alene passed away. We booked it there and back, driving 26 hours in four days, in order to return in time for the fall semester to begin. 

You have really nice friends across several different groups and it has been good to see you branch out to new acquaintances while maintaining a core of several lifelong friends. You are learning to be supportive and a "girl's girl." This year provided you some tough learning experiences about how your actions impact others. I think this will help make you a better friend and kinder human, though I know it was a challenge. In general, mistakes and failures are still really hard for you, sometimes saying things like "it has to look perfect or else it's bad". We haven't faced romantic relationships, which is a bit of a relief for your parents. I suspect that's on the horizon for next year and I am hopeful that you know your worth and the worth of others.

In terms of health, your asthma remains well controlled. You are very nearly 5 feet tall, which is a milestone you have gone ahead and claimed as your own. You started taking an afternoon dose of medication to help with your attention and we are glad this hasn't impacted your appetite or mood. Your emotion regulation skills have also continued improving drastically. Although you are still stubborn (you come by this very honestly!), you have grown in patience and handling disappointment.

Despite not having an official art class this year, you took a number of opportunities to be creative. After taking a few crochet classes, you really dove into this hobby for a time, even serving as a vendor in the Oktoberfest youth art festival. More recently your crochet time has been replaced by bedazzling every item in your skincare cabinet. You still love to read and have continued picking up new musical and television interests. You created a lovely space in your room that you are really proud of and now are working on making the loft space something with less playroom vibes so you will spend more time there.

You are simply the best. You like to shop except when you would rather be home. You love a cloudy rainy day and mostly avoid the sun and heat, unless it's an opportunity to swim. You are still a champion cuddler and give the best hugs. I hope that 14 is full of joy, hope, love, and hugs. 

 

Entering the teen years

Oh sweet girl. It seems just impossible that you are now 13. You remain the coolest little human. I truly enjoy hanging out with you and love to hear how you think. Twelve was another really, really good year. You finished sixth grade strong and are wrapping up your last year of middle school. 

Academically, you’ve continued to enjoy your classes. Your teachers report you’re a “joy” to have in class. We are proud that they notice that you’re a strong advocate for yourself and that you’re always willing to ask questions or talk with them about things you need clarified. While you received academic achievement certificates and awards last spring, we are most proud of your strong empathy, your witty sense of humor, and that you are never afraid to ask questions. You have grown tremendously in your ability in your ability to tolerate uncertainty and frustration. 

I worry some about what the transition to junior high will be like as you almost never have homework and still do not study but have somehow managed to keep an average grade above 99%. Next year you’re adding advanced history to your load alongside advanced ELA and algebra. You just weren’t interested in taking advanced science. While I had to bite my tongue at this choice (& your science teacher also expressed displeasure at this!), I realize the history component might be more interesting for you as well as more relevant if you remain interested in law and politics. Along these lines, you’ve been reading a lot on WW2 and have been sharing all your learning with us in the evenings alongside the notebook full of facts and maps. You also applied for a Civics Camp this summer. While we suspect you won’t be selected for the camp, it was good to see you so motivated to achieve something and it has got you thinking about experiences you would like to have that also would strengthen a future application. This year also saw a lot of growth in your interest in and skills as a clarinet player. You were thrilled to have made it into honor band and that experience seemed really transformative. You continued to love art this year and also really enjoyed your video game design class. 

You are continuing to work on your willingness to make mistakes and attempt things you might not get on the first try. However, you decided that you truly were done with softball and volleyball so this has been a much less hectic year in terms of evening schedules. You’ve been taking clarinet lessons and also requested a few crochet classes. Crocheting has been another great opportunity to watch you grow while you also work through perfectionistic tendencies and self efficacy issues. 

Although still an occasional struggle, we are quite happy to have maintained a balance with your attention and appetite. Your asthma has also been well controlled, which we have been very grateful for this year. You’ve grown a couple of inches, finally reaching tall enough to sit in the passenger seat on trips around town, which was a very exciting milestone for you. You’ve grown a lot in your interests this year, discovering a ton of music, new tv shows, and working on a number of creative outlets. You’ve rearranged your bedroom a few times and even change the whole aesthetic this spring, with some serious painting help from a friend. You have a lot of opinions and this is something I (generally) love. 

Social relationships have sometimes been a challenge this year. You have learned a lot about having different levels of friendship as well as navigating close friends who have closer friends than you. This is something you’ll likely continue to grow in over the next few years. You also are working on reaching out to develop acquaintances into friendships. As someone who tends to be pretty sensitive to rejection, you’ve shown a lot of progress in this area. At 13, with a lot of trepidation on my part, we finally decided you were old enough and responsible enough for a cell phone. I haven't seen you this excited about a gift since the Frozen jeep you got for Christmas almost a decade ago. 

Finally, we love how much you enjoy time with your family and with the dogs (including even an unsuccessful dog training class with Mochi last spring). You’re getting easier to get out of the house, with lots of potential motivators (namely makeup, matcha or chai lattes, or yummy snacks), but you also are a girl who loves her downtime at home. We love that you still cuddle and give the best hugs. I hope that continues throughout the teen and adult years because it really is my favorite thing. I have a lot of trepidation as we enter this next stage of development but I also am loving most every day these days.

How did we get here? Twelve

Our sweet baby girl,

Eleven was a year packed full of growth and change! During the past year, we took a few trips, you got braces, and you started middle school. You continue to be at the lower tail of the height distribution but you did grow almost two inches this year and went up a couple of sizes in shoes (you’re now in a size 3 or 4!). I don’t mind one bit that you lean toward the younger end of development.

Over the summer, I had some trepidation about you entering middle school but you have absolutely thrived in this new environment. Frequently changing classrooms, teachers, and classmates helps keep your attention and reduces boredom. Most of your teachers seem to really “get” you and understand your needs and it has made such a difference in your attitude toward school. While you’re still not jumping out of bed with a spring in your step in the mornings, you are eager to go to school everyday and are sad when you’re out for various breaks and professional days. Your favorite classes have been art, creative writing, and math but you’ve done incredibly well across all subjects. My heart is so happy that your love of learning has returned. The first few months of school we meticulously checked your Google classroom and backpack for homework or studying but you never brought anything home. Whenever I ask “don’t you have science homework” you let me know “no, I did that in math class” or “I finished my math in world studies”. It drove me crazy at first but you’ve been doing fine so I am just going with it this year. Next year you’ll have more advanced classes in ELA and pre-algebra so we likely will need to set shift again. Band has been the biggest roller coaster this year, making me actually try to talk you out of staying past the first semester. I was impressed with how quickly you picked up the clarinet but it also has caused so much stress due to continued struggles with perfectionism and unhelpful thoughts. You’ve opted to continue into next year so we will just see how it goes. 

Those perfectionistic black and white thoughts continued in softball this year too, to the point I actually didn’t expect you to play again this spring but you were enthusiastic about one of your favorite people coaching a 12U team. You continue to love practicing but spiral at errors. I want you to continue playing for as long as you like it and we’ve been working hard to watch others’ mistakes to show it’s impossible not to mess up sometimes. You also are very sensitive to conversations about middle schoolers. You’ve had some unfortunate experiences where substitute teachers have noted that “this is the worst generation of sixth graders” they’ve seen and you really carried that with you for weeks, fretting that yours is the generation that ruins the world. We had many long talks about middle school always being a tough transition and the ways that this age is also amazing and awesome. 

You have a very tight knit group of a few friends and you seem friendly with several classmates, which helps with the “everyone is awful and we are going to ruin the world” fears. We recently let you add texting a few friends and your softball teammates (from your watch). Our house is not ready for the added stress of a phone, which is something you ask for regularly. We still struggle at home some with boredom and big emotions but even this has been getting better over the last couple of months. You’re also learning about living according to your values and making good choices. And I’m learning how to parent through this.

Overall, eleven was a great year. We had a lot to figure out with anxiety, attention, appetite, and asthma but I feel like you are in a pretty healthy place across the board now. I am incredibly thankful that we get to spend a lot of afternoons, evenings, and weekends hanging out. Although you do need your social/friend time, I am so happy you also still want a lot of family time. You still hug and cuddle and want bedtime snuggles. I will take this as long as you will allow it. You are witty and define yourself as funny, introverted, and kind and a diagnosis of ADHD really helped you understand how your brain works. You have become a good advocate for yourself and aren’t afraid to stand up for others. This makes us so proud. You have strong opinions and march to your own drum, despite what might be popular (ahem, you think Olivia Rodrigo is overrated; you’re tired of Taylor Swift being everywhere you look; you avoid wearing clothes with specific brands lest someone think you’re trying). You’ve been working hard on compromise and still have a ways to go.

You are incredible and I try to remind you daily of your value and worth as a human. We love you so very much. I hope twelve is just as amazing and that we can set you up for success as you teeter so close to the teen years.

Eleven: observed

 

After several years with virtual parties or no party, A decided she was ready to have a bigger celebration. It was a fun one to plan!

This party had face painting, making 3 types of slime, and henna tattoos. She had so much fun!

This year, instead of presents, A suggested people could bring donations for the local food bank. She is so so excited to have so much amazing stuff to drop off this week! She has such generous and sweet friends!

Eleven

Dearest sweet girl,

Wow, ten flew by so fast. Somehow, we have made it to the end of your elementary school years. While this year has had a lot of ups and downs, I am so thankful that you remain the same wonderful human we have loved for over a decade. You are kind and thoughtful, still can be silly, and are always looking for ways to make people laugh. Your hugs and cuddles are my favorite thing and I know how lucky I am that you still give both so freely.

It has not all been easy, of course. You can be grumbly, especially in the mornings. You also lose interest in things, can be quick to anger, and are sometimes difficult to drag out of the house.

This year, we decided to get an assessment to try to better understand some attention and concentration difficulties, big emotions, anxiety, and low boredom tolerance. While you’ve continued to do really well academically, it was incredibly helpful as we try to find ways to best support you as you transition to middle school.

This was a busy year with you playing softball for the last few seasons. You complain about games and competition and get so nervous but you absolutely love practice and have improved a lot in the last year. You even tried pitching in a game for the first time last week—which was so brave! We are still working on the negative things you tell yourself when you make mistakes or don’t do things perfectly. You also had a lot of fun with volleyball club, theater & drama club, running club, and gardening club. However, decompression time is also super important to you. You love to read and finally have gotten into the Wings of Fire series. You also really love writing and have several stories you regularly work on. My favorite is Shadow. You write faster than the graduate students in my lab, which is one reason we both love it when you can attend our writing meetings.

Many of your friends are sprouting up and hitting growth spurts but you’re in no rush to join them. You’re  still in size 1 shoes and are the smallest girl on your softball team, despite being the oldest. You have really come to terms with your height, though, and no longer get upset when people guess you are 2-3 years younger than your age. In fact, you rather seem to like it when people underestimate you and you prove them wrong. 

Although I don’t feel ready, you will be starting middle school this fall. You had so much fun on the tour and mostly seem to be excited to put fifth grade behind you. You are hoping to join band and get put in the electives of creative living, creative writing, art, and Spanish.

More and more, I’m just trying to stop and soak in these moments. I love who you are and who you are becoming. I know the next steps may be rocky but I’m doing what I can so we are prepared. We just want you to continue having what you need and feeling like you matter. You’re the best. 

Double digits

Dear sweet sweet girl,

Will I ever get through a birthday without shedding a tear? It’s seeming unlikely. I have been dreading 10 for so long. The idea of these double digits would  just knock the wind right out of me. However, today was somehow less upsetting than 5 so that’s progress. 

You remain such a cool little person. You have your own sense of style and fashion, your own creative pursuits, and your own way of thinking about things. You also continue to be incredibly kind and thoughtful. You are truly always thinking of ways to make people feel special and loved. From writing encouraging notes to picking up special treats to hand making a different craft to gift to each of your teachers, I’m consistently blown away by you. As you get older and a little more snarkiness (& a whole lot of sass) sneaks in, I keep worrying you’re going to lose this part of you. Fortunately, I have had nothing to worry about yet.

After having to take 2 years off of extracurricular activities because of COVID, you were thrilled to jump back in to these. You joined a school volleyball club and the running club and are playing your first sport in 7 years—softball. Not being great at things has always been a challenge for you and sports are no different—you want to just be good at things naturally so having to work frustrates you. That said, I’ve been really impressed with your tenaciousness. More importantly, you are an amazing cheerleader for your teammates.

Being back at school for the last year has been amazing. You have a phenomenal teacher and are doing really well. You continue to struggle with any sort of standardized or computer test while doing all of your work with ease. Because your test scores indicated some difficulties with math last semester, we had you work with a tutor. The tutor was flummoxed because you were able to do all the things testing said you struggled with, often with little to no instruction. However, you loved the fun math games and “getting to help a college student with their project” so you didn’t mind tutoring too much. Your math grades are all strong so we never have figured out this disconnect. You continue to have a strong preference for graphic novels, though you will occasionally read Harry Potter as well. You really loved working on your social studies project over the last few months, learning all about the state of Michigan and your chosen representative, Lizzo.

 

You continue to enjoy art, recently picking up (but just as suddenly dropping)/teaching yourself to crochet. You also love cooking, baking, and cake decorating. You love trying new foods, recently deciding that you love cabbage and like onions. You’re excited about all the things we will be growing in the garden this year and you have a lot of interest in various plants. 

You have had a lot of emotional ups and downs and have grown a lot in your ability to recognize your own anxiety and ability to cope with worry. You do still struggle with bouts of loneliness and sadness but these are often relatively short lived and are impacted more by external cues (you really hate sunny weekend days!) and internal experiences like hunger and fatigue. You complain that boredom is physically painful and often leads to worry thought spirals, which is why you are constantly on the go and never stop doing.  While you are the first to acknowledge your anxiety (your emotional awareness is off the charts!), you also have these streaks of fearlessness that I love seeing. 

You continue to be a funny, witty kid, though some of your retorts have sharpened significantly over the last year. We are still working to rein that in. I feel so lucky that you remain a cuddly, hugging kid. I’m so fearful these days are numbered but for now, I soak in every cuddle, held hand, grabbed arm, and squishy hug you have to offer. We still have lots of time together and though that can get tiring for both of us, it’s also a lot of fun. 

This past 6 months also provided you with an opportunity to get your COVID vaccine, which you handled incredibly well. We feel so fortunate to have remained healthy this past few years. We are glad to be in a new normal that includes more social time and small gatherings. We are hoping to add travel to this soon. Your asthma remains mostly stable though you have had more frequent flare ups in the last month or so. Local brush fires, dust blowing in big wind gusts, and seasonal allergies are likely to blame but we also are carefully monitoring the impact of physical activity on your symptoms as well as you noted one breathing concern during a softball practice and a few during school activities. Overall, though, we are incredibly grateful you’re doing so well. We love you so much. 

I’m trying hard not to look too far ahead for what is to come with year ten and beyond. I’m not ready for things like fifth grade graduation or middle school tours. But when the time arises, I’m confident that you’ll be ready with a big smile, dragging me along into the next phase. Much like you did hitting ten. 

Nine and a half

Tonight I am filled with tears and bittersweet gratitude as you hit the next half-year milestone. I made the realization that you are now moving closer to double digits and “rounding up” to 10. I don’t like that. Not one bit. 

This last six month period has been a whirlwind. In this time, you reacclimated to school in person; you tried summer school; you went to a few in person summer camps that were enforcing COVID precautions. We also moved to a new house and sold the only home you ever knew. You were so excited to look at new houses but then you cried and raged for days when we actually decided to move. You even asked if you could just stay in the old house. Fortunately, you now love your new room, your awesome loft playroom/library/music/art room, our backyard, and the cool cul de sac (and although you were a little late to it, you finally took off on bike riding because of this great location!). 

You are so happy to be back in school and we once again feel like we won the lottery with your amazing fourth grade teacher. She is exactly what you needed to rebuild your confidence and love of learning after such a rough year. We have received several good reports from her on how incredibly kind you are and that you are an encourager of all students. That just makes me so proud and happy. You also do a good job standing up for yourself and standing up for others, which is also so valuable. She also noted that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and said she was the same way at your age. 

Academically, you seem like you’re doing well in your classes/grades. We still have some concerns related to your math testing but your teacher said you’re understanding all of the concepts that have been introduced. We started with a math tutor just in case, though, given the research on girls and math confidence at your age. Hopefully you’ll be able to work these things out as well. 

Your interests continue to be reading (graphic novels only), playing animal crossing, drawing, and playing. You also have been loving cooking and baking and really want to learn how to decorate cakes. This has been a lot of fun. 

Health wise, your asthma is still pretty well controlled on the higher medication. We are anxiously awaiting approval for children to get the COVID vaccine to breathe another sigh of relief (your dad and I were thrilled to get our boosters alongside our flu shot this year). We are keeping an eye on you now because you’ve been reporting infrequent bouts of dizziness that we haven’t found medical cause for yet. I’m sure I’ll report back here in December following your neuro appointment. Fortunately, they don’t happen often and you’re pretty unimpaired by them but it’s still unnerving. 

This year has been a tough one because you are developing some of that tween attitude and you’re not always the little cheerful helper of years past. It’s a new stage of parenting and we are back to a bit of winging it, hoping that we are supporting your independence while also trying to raise you to be a helpful and kind member of society. It seems like they see that at school, even if it isn’t always visible at home. Although it’s hard to see you getting older, you remain such a cool little person that I don’t think about the sadness on a daily basis. You are so funny and witty and continue to pick up on so much social nuance that even adults miss. You want to fight for the rights of others. You have a million questions (most of which you want to ask at bedtime) and you can’t stand being left out of any conversation or decision. You have funny dreams and you relish telling us about them. You love your dogs like nothing else—sometimes crying that they will one day die. Although Norabelle has always been your favorite, you’ve recently decided that Baxter is your very best friend. You love to cuddle with him and I’m so lucky that you’re still cuddly and affectionate with mom, too. 

Friends are still sometimes an issue as more relational aggression is starting at this age. You were incredibly devastated that your best friend E move to Oregon this summer. However, you were very happy that you were placed in class with another good friend and you seem to like your classmates. You were having a tough time with one child last spring and were happy they weren’t placed in your class. You really do relish watching (but not participating in) what you call “middle school drama”. You also love recounting it on the drive home. I’m trying not to reinforce this funny passion while at the same time I’m holding close to my heart the fact that you enjoy sharing this with me. I know the tween and teen years will be tough but man, I don’t want to lose this.  Although mornings (& some afternoons!) can be stormy lately, you do revert back to the happy ray of sunshine after given a bit of space and a snack. You have a lot of energy but appreciate a lazy day. You can be reserved but you love fiercely. I’m impressed and proud how much you’re willing to put yourself out there and how you stand your ground. All of these things make you an amazing kid and will one day translate into an amazing adult. 

I’m just not ready for it to be happening so fast.