Dumpster fire: 2020 in review

 It feels futile to review our past year. We survived; the end? 

Of course you know that reflection (and rumination) is far too tempting for me. I do know I will one day forget the nuances of our "Pandemic Year 1" (please, please let 2021 be the last year we can reference in pandemic terms!). Of all years past, this should have been the year of lowered expectations and letting go of guilt and shame of things not accomplished. It is always an aspiration (see the years of the past for reference).

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015

2014

2013

But seriously. I have just stared at my screen for the last 5 minutes trying to figure out what to say. To be honest with you, that is a pretty accurate summary of the last 9 months, trying to write/work. While Chad has worked in person throughout the pandemic, A and I have basically been home since March, isolated from folks, save a couple of trips to the office each month. We recognize how incredibly privileged we are for so many reasons--that I was allowed to work from home due to A's asthma; that A can participate in virtual school; and that Chad was able to keep working. While Chad's work is our biggest exposure point, amidst so many folks losing jobs and the economy struggling, we are glad that his job has been secure (apparently a number of folks used this time to remodel their kitchens and/or appliances were overworked and needed to be replaced)! 

While we definitely made some good memories this year, looking back at my 2020 goals this year was a little painful...

Plan trips? Yikes. We canceled a trip to Ohio for a wedding and were not able to go to Kentucky or Michigan to visit family...Stay on top of editorial tasks? Ha! In addition to it being virtually impossible to secure reviewers (I understand this--I had to say no to a record number!), there were more submissions this year than ever! Continue friend dates? Eek. My last colleague lunch was March 6 and previous tea/work dates were prior to that. Volunteer at the food bank? Nope. I should have walked the dogs regularly, went to bed earlier, ate fruit/vegetables, and landscaped the backyard but alas. All of that said, I was able to connect with friends via Zoom, found joy in sending people surprises via grub hub/door dash, and I would not have made it through this period of time without some really awesome text/messaging groups with daily check-ins, memes, vent sessions, and photos of cute kids and yummy food.

In terms of work, we somehow submitted an NIH R34 grant in June (not discussed with pretty crummy reviews) and, after a lotttttt of frustration, I submitted our program's self-study (all inclusive it was 896 pages!) in December. We were able to move our community study to a virtual platform after canceling participants in the spring. I'm nervous but hopeful that we will be able to collect enough folks to end the project at the end of June. Along with a number of faculty in my department, I spent some time this summer completing an antiracism training program, which continues to challenge me in my daily life and within academia. I moved all my classes and meetings online and that went relatively okay, though the break from zoom meetings sure was appreciated over the last two weeks. I hope that I can get more done in terms of research writing and student submissions in the coming months. Normally, I would look back on the number of decision letters, journal reviews, ADOS administrations, and manuscripts submitted but I'm honestly afraid to even look at this.

I went through a reading slump, especially since so much of time was spent reading about COVID, planning for homeschooling, etc. However, I ended strong finishing 55 books. Favorites were Giver of the Stars, Hill Women, Dear Martin, The Great Believers, and Such a Fun Age. During the summer, I had virtual meetings on Sunday mornings with two friends and we set house goals. With A's help, I was able to reorganize the playroom and closet and declutter most every room in the house. Another (unplanned) success was lots of time baking--sourdough, focaccia, asiago bagels, English muffins, garlic knots, baguettes, olive oil and rosemary crackers, pretzels, yeast rolls, sandwich bread, and pizza dough. We also got to play lots of board games and watch movies as a family. School was really tough for A this fall due to the virtual platform Edgenuity and missing her teachers and friends. However, we are hopeful this reset will help us and want to make a plan for better success in the spring. We absolutely cannot wait until it's safe to return to school. 

So that's it. That was 2020. What a hot mess. 

We are super hopeful this year brings continued good health, safety, compassion for our neighbors, and some semblance of equilibrium and normality. As we hope for this return, we also will continue thinking about what parts of our "pandemic lives" we would like to maintain moving forward.

Joy in the time of Corona (aka: how to plan a party during a pandemic)

 

If you are reading this particular blog entry, there's a good chance you already know us and our extreme love for planning birthday parties. It's basically my favorite thing. In early March, though, I quickly realized that this year was going to be different. At the time, there was no discussion of physical/social distancing, shelter in place, or quarantine. However, given A's asthma and all of the rumblings I had heard from epidemiologists, I knew that a party likely wasn't in the books for us this year. As A's birthday drew closer, and the virus spread, this reality became certain. By March 18, this was really heavy on my heart and embarrassingly, the first time I cried in recent memory, was thinking about what I could do to make A's day special. To be clear, themed birthday parties are not the pinnacle of parenting. I had no concerns that A would feel neglected and I know plenty of families who don't do big parties. But still I was sad--this was our thing. Since A was 2 years old, she has had a hand in pulling off fun parties--generating ideas, helping with decorations, and planning the food. (Of course emotions are complex so this was also a time filled with guilt that I would cry over such a small, silly thing when people are literally dying from COVID19 but alas, secondary emotions are not particularly useful so I had to let those go).

So, once I had my night to grieve, I turned immediately to what I always do when I start to plan A's party--Pinterest. I have to say--for the very first time since I joined--Pinterest let me down. Hard. At that time, there were zero pins about virtual parties. Nothing on google either. It was shockingly disappointing. Of course now there are news and popular press articles, blog entries, and pins galore as the "need" for virtual parties has exponentially grown in the last month but it was a wasteland back in early March. We considered birthday parades, zoom, Netflix party, and the houseparty app.

The things I knew we wanted were: 

a themed birthday shirt, 

decorations, 

some way of connecting with a few friends (we opted to do Zoom), 

our traditional birthday chalkboard, 

a cake, 

 

and some sort of activity.

The biggest concern that A had going into a virtual party is that she didn't know what they should do or talk about. This fear was unfounded because as soon as folks were logged on, all the kids were talking and laughing, showing off their zoom skills, and saying hi in the chat feature. We opted for Zoom because it was what we've been using most over the last few weeks. In order to protect us from "zoombombing," I made sure to make sure the link was not posted publicly, I had a waiting room, and I locked the room once everyone who could attend was in the room. We enabled chatting which was fine as well as screensharing the whiteboard. Screensharing the whiteboard ended up being a little problematic as kids were arguing for turns writing/drawing on screen (and not everyone got a turn before we ultimately shut it down). After the party A said she felt like that part got a little out of control so we might recommend disabling that feature (we have seen it go very, very wrong in other classes she has taken over the last few weeks!)--however, the rest of the party was fun.

In addition to chatting with friends, we planned one activity. I had been thinking of various ways we could drop off a "favor bag" or sweet to friends' houses before the party when a local bakery posted they were going to be offering "Decorate your own Doughnuts" by the dozen and half-dozen. Each kit came with doughnuts, 1-2 frostings, and 2-4 toppings. I immediately contacted them to see if they could do a smaller version of these for the attendees and they were great working with me! We picked up the doughnut kits Saturday morning through drive thru and later dropped them off at the doorstop of our friends' homes--we were super lucky that most folks live in our neighborhood! Each kid's kit got doughnuts, a frosting (chocolate or vanilla), a small cup of sprinkles, and a small cup of mini m&ms. I asked parents to send me photos of their creations. That was a LOT of fun.

Once that activity winded down, I shared the video of Cheyenne Jackson (who plays Hades in Descendants 3) wishing A a happy birthday. For the kids who had seen the movie, that was a cool thing to do. Now (sadly), we are not actually close personal friends with Mr. Jackson. I utilized the website Cameo to book him for a paid video. I had spent a few weeks trying to get Descendants 3 stars Sofia Carson, China Anne McLain, or Sarah Jeffrey to join Cameo (or even Dove Cameron, despite A really not like Mal...) to no avail. I had started feeling a little desperate when I discovered that other Descendants characters had joined. If your kids are fans of Ben, Celia, Jane, or the Fairy Godmother, you're in luck as they each have accounts! It is noteworthy that this is an expensive little video. I justified it to myself by saying it was less than I typically pay ordering pizza for a birthday party but it was still hard to hit "submit" for that payment! However, A loved it so much!

Finally, we lit the candle and had the kids sing Happy Birthday. Some friends dropped off presents on the porch or made posterboard signs to put in our yard, making the day extra special.

Overall, I think the party went about as well as it possibly could have and there isn't really anything I would change about it if we were forced to use this platform again for an event. It definitely was not the same as a "real" party but A was pleased enough. I also shared with her the video I compiled of her friends, school teachers and staff, and family members sending her birthday greetings as our final surprise. 

Letter to my 8 year old

Oh my darling, sweet sweet love.

You are now eight and I just want to know how that happened. I am so happy that you still have a sweet little voice, an irresistible laugh, a twinkle in your eyes, and an intense desire to cuddle. These things make up your sweet spirit and bring us such joy. As you grow older, we are rewarded with seeing your insatiable thirst for answers, your push for difficult conversations, advice (oh, how you have an opinion about everything!), and a general sense of fun. You are hilarious and love to pull pranks, tell jokes, and make everyone laugh. I love how much positive affect is squirreled away in your still tiny little body.

Over the last year, you have grown so much more independent! At home, you only want to play on your own; you want to cook entire meals by yourself; and you hate when we try to help you.
Unless you don't want to do something. Then, you remain very needy. You hate nothing more than being bored without company.

You love to read and just fly through books faster than we can get them for you. You adore school and think you have the best teacher in the entire world (we don't disagree!). Being forced to stay home broke your heart especially because you said it was unfair you had only half of a year with Mrs. Hladik. You quickly rallied and embraced our cobbled together "distance learning" plans and have mostly settled into a resilient resignation of the current situation. We are fortunate that you can handle being a homebody. You are also loving math and science, which makes my heart so happy. At school, you seem to work hard often, though it seems you like finishing things more than actually learning them. You are quite impatient and are still working on your perseverance as currently, you have a tendency to want to give up easily when something is more challenging. You sometimes lean toward perfectionism and it isn't uncommon to find you crumpling a piece of some artwork that I really liked, throwing a pencil on the floor in frustration, or crying because you can't get things exactly the way you want them. I can tell you are internalizing the messages you hear at school though and are working hard to combat that as I regularly hear you saying "there are no mistakes in art!" and "things don't have to be perfect." --Granted, this is usually in response to something I say or when you're watching an episode of Nailed It or some other creative competition but I hope this will eventually generalize. I love your creativity and how, when you give yourself the opportunity, you really look at things from a new and unique way.

When you were a baby (& before you were even born), my biggest hope for you was that you would be a kind and caring person. I truly believe that this is a strength for you. You truly care about everyone and are full of empathy. Although you also can be pretty judgy, you also are quick to point out situational factors others might be facing and remind others to do the same. We think that perhaps years of people rewarding your sass has created a bit of a monster as you quickly turn your wit on us regularly (poor daddy takes the brunt of this!), though you don't seem to intend to be hurtful. I think you just like practicing sarcasm, eyerolling, and poking fun. It's hard not to laugh.

You continue to have such a sensitive heart, both in terms of content you are willing to handle in books and on movies as well as interpersonally. Regularly, you would complain about feeling left out and often cried about being sad at school. My heart has never been so shattered as the day you told me you think you "might be the loneliest kid at school." It has taken a lot of talking with you, emailing with teachers, and thinking about what is going on here as this is a consistent pattern first noticed in pre-k at age 4. We had been working on learning ways to join friends and learning that sometimes when we want to play with others, we need to compromise on what the activity is. This ability to compromise remains rough for you. But in all our conversation with teachers and staff, it becomes clear that you are loved. Friends want to play with you and seek you out. You encourage others and people like that about you.

Another year has passed and the one thing that has remained constant--You are so very loved.

The Unexpected

(Note: I am adding links to resources as I find them useful)

Like many folks, we are just watching COVID-19 unfold around the world. I've been watching for awhile but really started paying attention about a month ago as epidemiologists and public health officials started seeing what this virus is capable of. I am not an alarmist and I'm not panicked. I am glad that the majority of folks I know are also treating this with the appropriate level of preparedness as possible (as opposed to folks I see in the comments section of news articles or in some community Facebook groups who somehow see the rising death tolls as manufactured by mainstream media).

Anyhow, I have little to offer in terms of COVID-19 preparedness that can't be found in a million better articles and blog posts online. The two pieces of advice I have is--think of what food and supplies you would like in your house today if you were to get sick and have about a 2 week supply of essential medication, pet food, and foods at home. This isn't doomsday prepper time. I really don't understand the rush to hoard toilet paper, in particular.

The major point I have taken away from the last 2 weeks is that it's important to slow the spread of this virus so that hospitals do not become overwhelmed to the point that sick and dying folks are turned away from or receive lesser services. I believe OSU made the right call by going online for the next 2 weeks (minimum...). I hope that others are heeding the calls to avoid unnecessary gatherings and are not using this time to jet off on lower priced vacations...(Here are two great articles with do's and don'ts of social distancing).

I'm not especially concerned about my immediate family, though we do have a supply of regular medicine and a few more snacks than usual.

That said, A is at a higher risk of upper respiratory infections because of her asthma. Her asthma has been harder to control this winter, with us having to switch back to a more powerful medication and use her rescue inhaler more frequently. Thus, we made the difficult decision that, barring unforeseen circumstances, even if our school district is in session, we are going to pull her from school for the couple of weeks after spring break. I briefly talked with her principal today and he was very understanding and reassured me that the district was considering these types of situations. It is quite possible (again, if they resume school as currently planned) there will be materials available online or as packets that can be picked up for students to have.
Because A was absolutely devastated to learn she would be missing her teacher and class at least 3 weeks, we discussed ways to make the days fun. I told her we could make a schedule and she ran with that. We created a table together in Word and she stuffed that schedule full (I learned she's becoming adept at MS Word shortcuts like copying and pasting!). I color coded it only for her to decide she didn't like that because she wanted to choose each activities' color. So ultimately we now look like a super overbooked family. I figure what we will learn most is how to deal with unmet expectations and falling short of one's best laid plans.

Given that I have to move lectures online and somehow manage to squeeze in clinical supervision meetings via phone or Zoom, keep writing, handle journal articles, and complete overdue reviews, I am certain this will just continue my lesson in failing all the things as gracefully as one can (I did like this article about not focusing on creating perfect online courses on the fly; I'm imagining some of my meetings will go as well as my favorite internet sensation). Between the teacher walkout 2 years ago and a delayed opening of her school this fall, I am feeling much better equipped to deal with the unexpected.

Because I know others are also dealing with similar struggles, I've compiled a list of things that might be useful in the coming weeks (by A's categories). I found this article to be super awesome and realistic--bonus that the author is in my beloved Harlan County, Kentucky. This is also a nice list of activities.

• Kid-Friendly Exercises:

https://www.cosmickids.com/category/watch/
https://www.gonoodle.com/blog/gonoodle-games-movement-app-for-kids/

(I will have to find more physical activity videos because most of the non-yoga one I have watched makes me want to poke someone in the eye)

• Research: 

So A wants to learn how to "research a topic" so I'm going to let her come up with questions and then help her find sources to read about them. I am guessing I will read a lot about squirrels in the coming weeks.

• Math:

A is obsessed with the math game Prodigy. Between that game and some Highlights/Scholastic workbooks she got this summer, she will keep working on it each day. One of her favorite activities is having me create math worksheets for her. I found a lot of "math facts" worksheets online that makes this easier. Once she is finished, I let her check her work with a calculator, which she loves.

• Science:

Science will be the most fun, of course. We still have tons of experiments we can do at home (how is our bread *still* not molded, by the way? we started that experiment on 2/28 to drive home the importance of hand washing--still not a speck of mold). She will be missing her first couple of weeks back to Tech Club so we will definitely need to find some fun coding activities we can do at home. We still have geodes we can bust open, and we might do some reading about climate science and about viruses since she has had a lot of questions about that this last week. And of course, I have 234 Pins on my Science Pinterest board...here is the site I am most excited to dive into.

https://mysteryscience.com

• Bake:

I would have never thought to add this to our list. I am excited to see what A decides she wants to bake.

• Read/Write:

I might find a few journal prompts but otherwise, reading, writing, and drawing will be entirely up to her. 

• Computer:

This google document provides a list of a ton of educational resources for free for the next few weeks. Scholastic is also offering some really cool free lesson plans. She also uses iStation at school and could choose to play on that or Starfall for a bit.

• Social Studies:

I'm thinking we will do more on global citizen and perhaps pick a country to learn about each day. She has enjoyed similar studies at art camp and at school. Additionally, we get a box with snacks from a different country; this month will be Brazil, I think! (February was France and that was a huge hit with the whole family!)

• Art/Music:

In addition to letting her draw or do other fun artistic projects, I saw that 12 museums offer virtual tours for folks so we might watch some of those. Unfortunately I think that might bore her a bit. However, we might also learn a bit more about her favorite artist, Frida Kahlo. I also am ordering her a tie dye kit and we have lots of rainbow loom bracelets and chokers to make. 

We also discovered that many amazing symphony orchestras and operas are now available online which might interest older kids.

Metropolitan opera

Berlin Philharmonic

Seattle Symphony

• Library:

I'm not exactly sure what she wants to do for library time but perhaps I'll just let her use that time to peruse the books available to her through the e-library on her tablet. Maybe? 

• Creative/Play:

See above. I'm also hoping she might want to spend some time building LEGO or putting together a puzzle. We will see. If she chooses to just play with toys during those times, I'm fine with that too.

• Unfun Friday:

So this is kind of a funny joke because A's school does "Fun Friday." However, she absolutely hates it so much. I really have no idea what they do in there and I don't know what she will want to put during this time but it's sure to be unfun. ;) 

~

Anyhow, in reality, like I said, I don't anticipate that we will stick anywhere near this schedule. I also am comfortable with more screen time than usual as these are unusual circumstances. In general, if she does some reading, plays on prodigy, plays with her toys and does some physical activity most days we are out, I will be happy. Hopefully, she will be too. I know she's going to miss her teachers and the staff at her school so much. So lots of lessons on emotion identification and validation planned as well. ;) 

2020 Performance Review

Similar to last year, I realized there is nothing new under my sun when it comes to thinking about goals for the new year. I had a couple of colleagues over last weekend to sit down with our brand new planners and think about what we wanted to accomplish this semester. As I was chatting about my process, I shared that I often do not meet my annual/semester/weekly/daily goals and resolutions and that it is surprising to me that I remain so steadfast in my love of lists and planning. I think what sells me on it is that, though my timeframe is often delayed, I love the sense of purpose and moving toward progress. Goals, to do lists, and planners provide this for me (2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013). As I have discussed in the past, not everyone feels the same way. But these reflections (and inadvertent self-plagiarism) bring value to my life.

I have again (ahem, 2013/2015 me) looked more toward values in cultivating ideas for the exciting blank page that is 2020. I've tried to set more attainable goals or continuations of things I want to keep doing. I think these goals are pretty self-explanatory so unlike previous years, I don't feel the need to pontificate on them.

Here's to a 2020 full of valued living and seeking equilibrium.